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Can I ever forget this.........it really hurts remembering

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ShreeL, Feb 22, 2009.

  1. ShreeL

    ShreeL New IL'ite

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    Dear Ladies,

    I just wanted to share what I went through after my delivery.
    Till my 9th month i did all the work at home and i was also working that time. I was even earning much better than what my husband was earning. He had told me to manage all the house hold expenses including the rent. He didnt wanted me to keep any savings. Why men are like this? Though his earning was lesser than mine I never made him feel that. I wanted my mom to help me during my pregnancy. He didnt wanted my mother to come to Dubai for my delivery. His entire family was against my mother coming to Dubai. But still I begged him to bring her and he agreed but he did his best to insult her after she came. My poor mom was counting days to go back home and she lost lot of weight after coming to my house. She was not even eating properly. I never thought my husband could do so much insult (all indirect) to my mother. To see he looks very innocent. The worst thing happened to me after my mother left. She silently faced everything for my sake and my new born baby's sake. She left when my baby was 2.5 month old and later he brought his mother my MIL.

    After bringing his mother my DH's attitude was completely changed he stopped speaking to me and even if he needs something from me he will tell his mother and she will come and ask me. I felt very deppresssed and very left out. Though my MIL could understand that her son not talking with me she didnt try to find out why he was not talking to me. My DH was infact completely ignoring me and my baby. It was as though his mother has come to visit Dubai for sight seeing and not to help me. I was not able to find the reason for his silence so I asked my DH what happened and why he was not talking to me? This was on the third day after my MIL joined us, he got very angry for that question and he started abusing me and his mother also joined him and my DH said I am indirectly blaming his mother that she is misguiding him not to talk to me. He was screaming and his mother was telling him to call his dad and inform that I am blaming her. I WAS SHOCKED!. I didnt say any word apart from asking what happened and why he was not talking to me. and I didnt understand what was happening since both of them, my DH and MIL were scolding me and abusing me for no reason and my MIL said my mother did not ask her permission before she came to help me in Dubai. I was shocked!!

    My dear friend, you know what happened to me and my baby after that. My MIL called india and told my DIL and brother in laws that I fought with her and blamed her and i fought with my husband. They are lieing in the phone in front of me and I was sitting there in a shock holding my 2.5 month old baby. My MIL and DH took my passport and my baby's passport from me forcibly and later after 2 hours My DH came and told me that HE HAS CANCELLED MY AND BABY's VISA. and asked me when im leaving. :spinI could not understand what was happening around me and what was my mistake. I was still in SHOCK. I never expected my DH will do something like this. I didnt had any words to reply only tears in my eyes. I didnt know what to do next.

    He told his mother if she stays there further it will come on her head (breaking my family) so he said you go back home and he arranged the ticket for her. She still blamed me that I didnt ask her to stay back. :rotfl
    How can I ask a person who just broke my life and my baby's life to stay back infact i myself was in a shock state. They both did everything and they are blaming me only for all that. My DH even spoke abt separation and told me to return what ever he has bought for me. He took everything including the saree he had bought for me for the wedding day.

    My MIL left the very next day after cancelling my VISA and baby's VISA and I had to leave after 2 days since I was on maternity leave and I had to spk to my office and hand over work. My DH didnt even bought us the ticket I had little money after spending for the house and in that money I arranged for the ticket. It is really scary to imagine if I didnt had the money how I would have taken the baby and gone back to my country. After reaching india my MIL has gone and given a false police compliant on me that I threatened to kill my MIL and FIL and my DH. She thought I might take legal action on them so she went and gave the compliant on me. I had to face that problem also.There was no peace in my life for almost 6 months.I went to India with my heartbroken and it was torn in to pieces in India. It was third month after my delivery I was facing this problem. The MIL had told a completely different story to the police and the family counseling people there. She had used her age as an advantage. She just wanted me and my husband to get separated. Infact she didnt like the baby also because I had a girl baby. Finally the counselling people understood what happened and helped me.

    I just believed in god and by god's grace now im back with my hubby and he realised his mistake but will i be able to forget what happened in the past 5 months. Will I be able to trust my DH again?. Can I ever forget this in my life? What do I do...

    I just pray to god what happened to me should not happen to any one else in this world. I went through hell. It was really difficult to take a small baby and travel alone in the flight.

    regards,
    Shree
     
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  2. vandannav

    vandannav Senior IL'ite

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    hi

    i really appreciate you for coming forward with your story.it certainly helps to be careful.I do not understand what happens to dh during the pregnancy who shows different colors, who otherwise is good , loving and caring.when ever i remember the troubles i went through during those times,it really hurts me a lot.how come dh does not believe what wife has to say and believes all the others around.

    regards,
    vandanna
     
  3. Gem_in_i

    Gem_in_i New IL'ite

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    You went back to him although he basically threw you out?

    How's your relationship now?
     
  4. rosenav

    rosenav Silver IL'ite

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    I'm dumbstruck....... you went to live with this guy?? after wat he has done to you n your baby........ he has taken you back and your happy. god forbid wat's going to happen next time.. he gets angry or his mother is back?? i mean a false case against you n your family .......... n you are able to live with him under same roof.

    sorry if i sounded harsh
     
  5. SiriVeda

    SiriVeda Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Shree,

    I don't know what to say. I hope your DH is behaving properly now. I feel you should be very careful in future in dealing with him or his people. Keep your finances intact and don't let him control.

    You have displayed immense courage in tackling these situations. :bowdown

    It's hard to forget what has happened. But then "past is past". Not only that it gives us experiences to learn from.

    All the best

    Sirisha
     
  6. dhruvsmommy

    dhruvsmommy New IL'ite

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    Hi shree,

    Hats off to you for handling all this so well. Now that you know about your husband, I would say stop spending all your money. Start Saving..It would definitely come to use one day..
    Im not sure If I would ever go back after all this had happened. Sorry, didnt mean to discourage you but I was just thinking what would I do if I were in your shoes...
    Take care girl
     
  7. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Shree,

    You have been very courageous dealing with those tough times.

    I am sure, it was not an easy thing for you to forgive your hubby for what he did and get back with him. Now that you have done that, my advice is to try to forget the past as a bad phase. But, do tell your husband that the kid was as much of his responsibility as yours and that it hurted you to see that he did not seem to care about her when your MIL interfered.

    From what you have said, it appears to me like your husband is also sorry for what he has done and is making a genuine effort to work out things.

    But from your experience, keep in mind a few things -

    1. Your hubby has been taking you for granted probably because you just put up with it and remain submissive. In future, put your foot down and tell your husband that he cannot expect you to manage all household, kid and your own work without any help. Either your husband has to help.. or if he is adamand that he wont tell him that in that case you will have to hire a maid or choose some options like eating out often.

    Do not make this a topic for argument. Just tell him lovingly that , but be assertive.

    2. Now you have first hand experience on how your MIL's attitude is towards you and your kid, make it a point to keep her at a distance. Try to make some excuse and avoid visiting her or inviting her to your place. Just be very brief and formal with her during phone conversations.

    3. Like others advised, make sure you keep separate savings for yourself.
     
  8. ShreeL

    ShreeL New IL'ite

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    Dear friends,

    I came back to live with him for many reasons.
    1. My parents were very upset about the whole thing what had happened to me and my baby. Their health was a major worry for everyone at home. I didnt wanted anything to happen to them. My life started very late and it ended soon this thought was worrying them more. Relatives were cooking up stories about my come back and added to their misery.
    2. The case filed by my DH and MIL went against them and the counsellors could see what had happened and warned my DH that he will be punished if he does it again and made him give in writing that he will not cancel the visa again. They tried to compromise us because we had just completed one year of married life. They also told me to call them and inform them every month about my welfare and incase if there is any emergency I should complain to the local police in Dubai and inform the consulate.
    3. I wanted my baby to grow having both her parents. He is not a good DH but he may be a good father. I wanted to give a chance. I did not want my baby to face any problem in future because of my divorce, if I opted for that. Because I had heard people speaking that the baby had brought bad luck and after her birth her mom and dad got separated. I dont believe in all that but I didnt wanted any one to tell it to my little baby when she grows up - it would break her heart.
    4. When i went back to my parents life was not peaceful for me. Relatives and neighbours made it very miserable for me. No matter how many ever centuries we fnish and boast about women liberalisation and women power, the mentality of the people will never change.

    Also, I didnt feel Divorce is the solution for my problem. I thought a lot about it, I even missed sleeping at nights thinking about it. Finally I thought I should not let him run away from his duties and responsibilities as a father by giving him divorce. If I do that he will be happy and get married again and spoil another girl's life. I didnt wanted to give that satisfaction to him. He has to feel guilty and will definitely feel it. He has to change atleast for the sake of our little baby.

    May be for many of you ladies my decision of coming back to him again would have shocked. I took this decision after much thought and i feel i did the right thing. Apart from the above reasons there were many that i could not put in words.

    with love,
    Shree
     
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  9. rakshantha

    rakshantha New IL'ite

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    hi shree

    U know what after I read ur first post, I was shocked to know that u went and stayed with ur Sh(stupid husband) again. I thought u were really crazy to go and live with him again after what he did to u. But slowly I came down and read ur reasons for why u are going into that hell again, I changed my opinion. I feel u are very mature and brave. Ur husband is very fortunate for having such a level headed and sane person as his wife. I just hope that God make him realise that. All the best and I will pray that such an episode never come into ur life again.
     
  10. onemoreid

    onemoreid New IL'ite

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    Shree!


    The reasons you have mentioned are so very practical. I am wishing you loads of Happiness in coming time!

    God Bless!:)
     

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