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In an unhappy marriage!

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by vijayabharti, Aug 23, 2008.

  1. gpallavi2

    gpallavi2 New IL'ite

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    hi Vijayabharti,

    Bless you that you are professionally qualified! Many Indian Women, both in India and abroad don't even utter or accept their problems since they think - what would be their life without their husband's shelter.

    You also asked whether, all men in India are their parents LITTLE BOYS - I would say it is more of the mentality and biased culture of India which makes a woman secondary to a man and his birth family. Boy's parents being in possession of him, is not only common to a single child but even to multiple children as well. Unearthing the Indus ladies threads would make you realize that, and you don't even need to go looking for in the whole world. Living under the same roof with the in-laws makes a DIL's life sucking, since she is often treated in an abusive manner. So be cautious while you decide to re-marry. Consider many factors and revisit the lessons which you have learnt in this marriage.

    Please don't get me wrong - but have you decided to live as a single woman rather than marrying an Indian guy? I have decided that when I would get a divorce from my in-laws (because see they are the reason for making my life miserable) I will live as a single woman and since I don't have children right now, I will adopt two kids. I will pursue my passions and climb Macchu-Picchu (maybe won't make it to the Mt Everest thats why!) and have a cute boyfriend (Why should my sex life suffer because of some abusive culture!). Make some passions in your life. Give joys to those who really want and need rather than going on in a circular motion of your life which seems to never end.

    Husssh! Isn't it been a very long time since you are and most of the Indian women are suffering. When you treat yourself as a respectable person, others will respect you as well. Indian culture demands blind respect and control. But who has given this control to them willingly. You and you only. Why don't you see that their nature and behavior is not worthy of commanding your respect! They should earn and deserve and not just command.

    Pick up the pieces of you life which are remaining and make a new beginning. Next time atleast make clear to the guy that, you are marrying him and not his entire family! After marriage you can decide whom to give respect depending on whether they deserve it. If they act sweetly only for some time and begin harrasing you again make the guy clear - you are not going to tolerate it as you have only married him and not his gang!!! And please judge the guy based on many factors. I don't say that these types of marriages are 100% successful, but you never know! So all the best lady! :)

    I have learned in my 28 years of life that, if a person does not want see reason, he cannot be made to see reason. Even if an innocent is killed in front of such an unreasonable man, he would say that it was that innocent's fate or fault and he could have done nothing. So stop sucking your own life and get out of this hell soon.


     
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  2. vijayabharti

    vijayabharti New IL'ite

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    Hey Pallavi,
    Thanks for the reply to the post. Ur post gives me new hope and inspiration. Would love to get in touch with you! U seem the same kinda person that I am! Enuf is enuf, I m walking out of this marriage soon!
     
  3. Capricorn

    Capricorn New IL'ite

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    Dear ms vijaya

    first of all its sad to hear another such experience by a married woman on how horrible her marriage was. However i am glad to see few good things you mentioned about your husband.

    In this life nothing is easy or hard quick or slow..all depends on a persons attitude towards the challenges they face. You want to say give up because someone is giving tough time to you...then pls do...

    however nothing in life is going to be easy for anyone. either for a husband or a wife. if you were not happy in this marriage from the beginign then i would say, your expectations were not set right. yes being the only son inlaws whole attention will be on him..for good or bad sometimes accepting that fact and moving on gives peace n releif to every household member.

    i am sorry to say this but these days most of the posts suggest divorce or separation or walking out of the relationship. why dont we understand that just like we have disagreements with our parents or our brothers and sisters..the same way we have disagreements with husband / wife. just because they doesnt behave the way you want them to be doesnt mean you will just quit. Remember, you got married to him and you know him only for the past 4 or 5 yrs, but he /she is been that way all through their life. so he / she needs some time to cope up with the changes. some might take 1 or 2 yrs to change and some may need more time but that change will surely come slowly and you have to be patient for it.

    I dont remember but I read it on some posts on IL itself..showing love and affection doesnt mean that you want some thing back the same way, anytime unconditional love and affection (like our parents show towards us) will always return back love and affection..its just matter of time..that unconditional love which our parents show towards us we are returning it back to them without even realising it as we know they accept us no matter what we do , what we say or where we are..so Can a husband / wife show the same unconditional love and acceptance towards each other??? this would go a long way in solving so many problems in many marriages. Whatever we do for our spouses..we always expect that they have to return it back with some more interest as if its a bank account...but thats not the case always.. it is like some selfish game we play with them then..when we do it for their happiness, and know that its important for them that always gives us more happiness and eventually thats the bliss.

    Just think it over..My personal opinion I never suggest or support any divorce or sepration unless the spouse is abusive or some adultery issue. Have some patience, try to take some time off from everyone and everything. think it over in terms of how to work it out with your husband and inlaws. Remember when you do it without expectations you get more surprises..the good ones infact.

    Wishing you the very best
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2008
  4. Nehaaa

    Nehaaa New IL'ite

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    Well said Wisha,

    I feel that's the best way to live life,:)
    Forgive forget n go ahead :ideaas Wisha's signatures say

    offcourse this note need loads of patience and ample time to see things happening your way..

    I wish may god bless :bowdownand give you courage to face all that life demand'g from you at this stage ,rest assured pls dnt give up or back of out of your long time relationship in absence of an ultimate tryout with all positive vibrations and goodness you have or may have.

    All the best,:thumbsuphave faith in god !

    He 's there to justify your deeds
     
  5. janice137

    janice137 New IL'ite

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    Dear Pallavi,

    I feel like standing up and clapping in response to your post. You are a brave, brave woman and I admire your courage and conviction. I am sure you will have a very good life -- whether you have a husband or not.

    Vijayabharti,

    I wish you wisdom in everything you do and no matter your choice, I wish you all the best :)
     
  6. vijayabharti

    vijayabharti New IL'ite

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    Thanks Janice,

    Ur words were all I needed. I am finally seperated. He is still a Mamas boy and cannot make his own decisions. Thank u so much for ur kind words. I was a little bit depressed but they made me feel so much better!
     
  7. Lily

    Lily New IL'ite

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    Hi Vijayabharati,

    I dont know if you remember me ...u replied to one of my thread here in IL ...I have same problem like urs ..mamas boy....interfering in-laws ...leading lonely life in US ...
    i am on the verge of seperation from my hubby ....today my husband started looking for a place to move ..inspite of all the torture he has given me ..i feel little sad and depressed that he is moving out ...i dont know how i am going to handle it .....and sometimes i feel guilty ...thinking maybe i should have worked on the realtionship ..but i know i have done my best .....
    Sorry to take up u r space to write abt my trouble.....but i feel like i am so close to u ...since we both r going through the same form of trouble .. from u r thread i feel that u r handling it boldly ....hats of to u ....i would like to be u r friend ...to share the pain with u ...only a person in similar situation can understand the agony .......i want to be u r friend not just to whine ...but to get out this depression soon and face the life better ......
     
  8. vijayabharti

    vijayabharti New IL'ite

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    Lily,
    I can understand what u are going thru. I can help u in any way u want me too. I am finally separated and my hubby is begging me to come back to him. But since he did not respect me and my wishes in the past, it is least likely that he will change in the future. It is better to remain single rather than spoil your health sacrificing for someone who is not even worth it.
    Let me know if u need any help!
     
  9. gpallavi2

    gpallavi2 New IL'ite

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    :rotflAre you some babaji or some reincarnation?
    How can you say that this woman is not happy when she is saying that she is? Men like you are responsible for the various marital plights faced by women when you dont understand what agony that woman had to undergo before taking the heart breaking step of divorce! Here people truly share their happiness and sadness. They give reasons and justifications and not some stupid comment! Anyways welcome babaji to Indusladies, hope you get some gyan/sense here.
     
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  10. vijayabharti

    vijayabharti New IL'ite

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    Hi Bangolarean,
    Its not about winning or losing! Its about living a life with self respect and dignity. My husband was crying to make me come back. But was never able to recognise how bad his and his Moms treatment was towards me. Or to make any changes in their behavior. How you marry someone and treat her like an orphan.
    You were never in my shoes and dont know what it is to be in my position. I would still hate to see my ex husband cry but i left him because it was okay for him to see me cry and suffer!
     
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