Good Introspection and here is more on INlaws and selecting husbands...

Ok Sonalie, this is my opinion, I think you have raised some valid points.

You are right in that if a dil does not want interference from inlaws or too much involvement with them, she should also not expect benefits from them either. For example, I do not want anything to do with my inlaws. So obviously I do not expect them to give us money, send us gifts, or babysit our children.

You can't have it both ways. When you accept financial help from someone, they automatically become "involved." When you make your mil a permanent babysitter for your kids, definitely expect "parenting tips". If you like to live an independent lifestyle without your parents or inlaws involved in every little detail, my best suggestion is to not involve them in the first place! Take responsibility and handle things yourself. Why else did God give you spouse? So when you can not do something alone you have someone else to lean on.

 

Sonalie , I have never heard of or seen my parents asking my in laws what share my husband wud get in his parents assets. The usual enquiry of what your maama or chacha does is to know what is the background of the prospective groom.
It comes after lots of tension,mud slinging that in laws give us that we come to conclusion we cant survive living with them. If they were good and got along with some adjustments from us and them together then why wud we say this.If I chose to live with my in laws then I would be giving them the right to make all decisions in my life and top it off with my SIL making any decision they dont make. I choose not to go into that environment. Its not that I had a dream life without staying near them. I have lived 6 yrs of misery due to them instigating my husband to ill treat me and them doing it too regularly.

 

Hi Sonalie

You have exactly put my thoughts into words.I dont like intereference in my life,So strictly i follow the same rule.

My parents while seeking allaince never saw how much money they have or what share of property will my hubby get.No.......I am not saying this.My husband said this once when we were discussing about something.He said that i was really impressed with you dad when he came to meet me for the first time.I could clearly see his concern for you.Never did from his talks he appeared that he wanted to see how sound financially i/we are.He just wanted to know me,my habits,my way of life, etc.He even said that my parents married off my two sisters,but i agree that even they had thought of how much money they have and all as you said.................so...........I agree that whatever you said is right that interference/expectations should not here from both sides.

I follow that religiously.I never interfere in thier matter.I dont bother what my hubby is talking to them.I made it very clear to my hubby that we have our own domains and it would be easier that we dont enter each other's domain,and to this date we follow that.If they want to tell me about anything i happily listen to it,otherwise i never bother to listen and think over it,BECOZ I DONT LIKE ANYBODY GIVING ME ADVISES UNNECESSARILY SO THE RULE APPLIES TO ME ALSO.

 

Hi Sonalie,

parents ask these questions like what the grooms realatives does to know his family background which is very important.They want their daughters to go in good culture families.If anything happens afterwards,,,in arranged marriages daughter gonna ask them only...why you did not investigate.Was i a burden on you.Even if she doesn't ask..they will feel guilty about it.
Even if daughter go to live in a hostel/college..they make so many investigations about it then marriage is the biggest part of life.So why shouldn't they know about the family background of groom?
As far as asking about property etc. is concern....they are not gonna get anything from it.They just want to make sure that their daughter is financially secure in future even in worst conditions.they want the groom and groom family to give same comforts and love to their daughter which they have given.It doesn't happen in most of the cases...that is a different story.In Indian families even today men is considered the bread earner of the family even though girls are also working now a days but they don't have to earn money for running the house...at least their parents don't want them to.They don't want to give their daughters to someone who can not afford their expenses and their daughters have to work for that purpose.None of the girl want to marry that kind of boy.That's why they investigate about the financial stature of groom and his family.It doesn't mean bride or her parents have any interest in their money.Its just for security.
Now a days all girls are educated and they can earn whenever they want to...so i don't think they have any greed in in laws money.
So in my sense...its foolishness not to investigate .They are giving their beloved daughter....They have every right to make sure that their daughter is going into a financially secure,educated and good culture family.
They can not change the future of her but they do the most they can to give her a better future.
As far as living with in laws in concern...when a bride leave her house...she is very nervous.She wants love and comfort at that point of time.She is defensive at that time because she has heard so many stories about bad in laws.Its the choice of in laws either to make her comfortable or turning her against them all over her life.They generally make complains about her parents ....restrict her for doing things...make her do a lot of household work..Its the sudden change for her.Obviously if you take someone's freedom away from him...he/she can not be happy and will try to get away from that environment.This is very much natural and genuine.

I feel its goona be 60 years of Indian independence but i don't know whn women gonna get independence from silly Indian traditions and high expectations of becoming devi or sati savitri.In almost every house women is fighting for her freedom.I. don't see any reason for mature adult married couple to live with parents of groom in small houses like in India.
Even a 5 year old doesn't like interference in his life now a days.
You think like that...when you live with your siblings..you fight for not entering your room,for helping mother in kitchen,not sharing your things etc..Then after marriage why a girl or mil won't feel that.. if anybody like mil or dil say anything...the relation is so delicate that they take it as an offense.And slowly relations become bitter.That time you were a kid That's why you disn't take anything seriously ..you just fight and foget but now you can not fight because relation is like that.
so Isn't it better to keep distance and keep everybody happy.
MIL have already her husband to take care of her ...the girl who left her career,parents frnz she has nobody to take care of her except her husband and mil jealous of them if their son take care of her as their husbands.They should afraid of God.
I am not saying none of the girl should be living with in laws but if they have good relations and in laws are playing the role of parents and she is living like their daughter.
And one more thing...doesn't boys parents investigate about the family background of bride and her character in arranged marriages.Don't boys have high expectations like the bride should be working,fair,tall,homely,rich etc.If bride's parents ask these questions for their satisfaction...i think its 100% genuine.

 

Hey Sonalie,
First of all by fighting i don't mean verbally fighting.I meant to say They are emotionally and mentally struggling for their personal space.This word was something of understanding.
Yes everybody is free in India but still girls tend to stick with their husbands bacause even today they soceity is a big issue no matter how bad the husband is.They are free but they have to live with their husband to the extent they can stretch themselves to tolerate everything.So In free India Still girls have the last option to leave their husbands and go.They have to manage and tolerate the most they can.So you can not say that they are free to do anything..if they don't have freedom.Even if they open their mouth in front of in laws or husband to discuss about it...they will take it as an offense.


as far as live in relation is concern....Why should they send their daughters to live with someone they don't trust. If she doesn't like That guy then Live in relation with someone else. This is what you mean?Or you mean parents should just close the eyes and give their daughters.

 

Love,compatibility this is not something which parents can judge.This is something which just bride can judge.See from the parents prespective....they can only try to make her future financially secure and get her the best husband they can by judging him by his relatives and parents.
And i don't think they don't see love...compatibility part in a husband.Thye see that too.None of the parents give their daughter to a person who they know is immoral or have bad habits.
Still...i must say,Too much concentration in grooms salary is wrong...that is true i don't know why they write that...may be they want to give their daughter a better life than what they have given.
money is not everything but its not like money is nothing.Money is important and all the major problems and fight happens because of shortage of money.Even if there is a shortage of money..no matter how good both partners rae...in the long run...it creates tensions in their life...and finally they are not happy.
Love .compatibility is number 1 priority ..But husband must earn the sufficient money so that he can fulfill his wife's needs and neccessities.Its not like only love,compatibility matters.Everything is required in balance to live a happy life.
As far as status is concern..they also live in a society ...After all they also have to give answer to their society,,,their relatives,colleagues..frnz.Everybody wants their daughters and son marry in the same status they have.
Personally...i never seen any adv where boy min. salary is mentioned.Neither have i seen any parents asking about the share in property.But still asking how much boy earn is important .That is my point.Its their fault if they ask such questions you mentioned.
And again...aren't boys parents ask too many questions t their would be dil like do u sing,,,do u dance,,,do you earn...wht have you studied....what company you work in..blah blah blah...is it because they have any interest in their money?No because because they want to make sure if she is the right match for their son.You wont believe some of them ask...how much your daughter weigh.How fair she is?how tall is..is that a beauty contest or they gonna buy a cow?So it happens both sides and we can not blame because marriage is the biggest decision of life.Its not like they are blatent but they are straight forward in such a important decision of life.
You were asking why they inquire about money that's why i was concentrating on money part.
By the way what do you mean by false victimhood?Nobody here is showing false victimhood.

 

1 more thing...none of the girl have any interest running away from their in laws or not making them their part of life.Its only because of in laws bad behaviour towards them..interference in everything and nagging in everything.If they bahave good then there are so many girls who happily live with their in laws.Infact one of my cousin..she is more attached to her in laws than her husband.After only suffering a lot by in law....they decide to keep away with them.And i am one of them.