I never invite my inlaws to stay with me...

Renu1999 · Feb 4, 2009

Hi all,
my inlaws are always complaining that I never invite them to stay with me. I dont and I am not planning to invite them in future too. Reason being,once they stayed with me
And they want us to take to all places...Everywhere we go they use to accompany us. Even if I tell her all the directions she wont go... she is saying she lived all her life like that depending on some one and she doesnt want to change. I cant accept this because she has worked for Indian government for 20 years
And she ask for everything from this place . we bought her digital camera, ipod and most of the electronics good for her which she doenst know how to use and she just keep them for name sake..Apart from that she says corrinder is good in this place all items you wont believe if i mention them. I have to tell my husband to think about all the expenses because i pay for credit card all the time.I told him to take care of credit card payments and he didnt pay it ontime and we have to pay interest for that. so I do all payments.
when my mom visited us I told her that all are very expensive in the place we live and she wont ask for too much. while I tell my parents about it he never tells his mom about too much expenses..He doesnt wants me to tell her directly and even if I say that indirectly he hates it....
ANd she interferes with everything ... what ever we talk he volunterily give us suggestions/instructions which we never ask her for...

ANd my fil never leaves home town and he doesnt like to go to any other place other than his house so she calls him everyday to ask him what he eats /when she sleeps.... and also she calls her dear daughter everysingle day.....which is really annoying...

And she strictly said she cannot take care of baby all the time bcoz she doesnt have energy to take care of baby.

And recently when I visited india she said every day that my son only goes to sleep by the way she sings and he will eat good only if she feeds her which is really annoying and I didnt react bcoz I stay there only for 1 months....

my question is do you voluntarily invite your inlaws.

gangai · Feb 4, 2009

hiii Renu,

iam a new member to this indusladies, iam now staying in saudi (Riyadh),
i'll also suffered too with mother-In-law when iam in india, but now iam happy but i'll missising my parants. For my husband seck, iam adjusting what to do?

yours
gangai

MrsV · Feb 4, 2009

I do invite them over and I don't mind buying them stuff or taking them places. I feel that they are DH's parents and I should respect them and take care of them as I would mine.

Living in America is expensive, but if you feel that having family over to stay with you will require you to cut down more, then I can see your reasoning of not having his parents OR your parents over. You said your tell your mom that everything is expensive, so she doesn't ask for much. Money comes and goes, if your mom or his mom wants or needs something from here, I think it is the honorable thing to get it for them. My in laws live here and they are fully functional and I still buy stuff for them just because they are family.

I am not sure how the dynamics would be otherwise, but don't make it out to be because she is very dependent and needy. Some people are like that, you just have to deal with it, she is your husband's mom and nothing is going to change that. Let her talk to her daughter, so what's the big deal? Buy her a phone card and let her talk.. she will realize it slowly when you keep giving her phone cards upon phone cards.

Best wishes!

Manaswini08 · Feb 4, 2009

Forgive me for being frank but I cannot find myself being sympathetic to your posting. The way I “hear” you makes me think that you resent your mil. I understand that living here is expensive but how much would it cost you to buy a few things for your in-laws? Whether they are your parents or his parents, should not make a difference. I actually enjoy buying things for my in-laws. I don’t think its because they want to see you go into debt. It just feels like a nice gesture to have your dil buy you something. It shows that you do think of them and care about them. Just because she worked for 20 years doesn’t mean that she does feel the need to be cared for.

As for your mil calling her husband and daughter – what’s the big deal. Your inlaws must have been married for many years and to be apart for such a long time is a sad thing. I know I would miss my dh if I had to stay away from him for a month…I hope you would feel the same. And so she calls her daughter – its her daughter!! Don’t you call your mom?

If you plan on never inviting your inlaws to your place you should not invite your parents either. I am sure your husband loves his parents just as much as you love yours. Please be fair in this and do not take sides. Instead, Mrs V has given you some suggestions and try to be a bit more accommodating to them. It will only teach your children to be as accommodating when it comes time for you to play the mother-in-law role and wait for an invitation to your children’s house.

Renu1999 · Feb 4, 2009

I agree with you all I am not that stubborn person. But the way/content she talks really hurts me. I never cried or complained when my husband bought her camera and all other electronic stuffs. BUt even though she has three children she always cares for her other younger son and daughter ..sometimes I even wonder if she is my husbands mom. When we were looking for home she said the house is east/west facing.. not according to vastu and so many reasons.. but when her youngest son and daughter bought the house she agreed bcoz she told them to buy the house in particular place. we cannot go with whatever she says.... she wants everyone to agree with her since their son and daughter always go with their words she likes them... And she is very proud and tells everyone if her younger son gives her 100 rs ...even if my husband gives more money she keeps mum. when I went to india before me she is telling everyone that her younger son cares so much for her/visits her oftern.....If she compares us with her other son and daughter I dont like it. whenever we call her she always talks about her daughter and youngest son... they got new cell ph...something blah blah blah... Eventough we are older than them we didnt settle yet since we are staying aboroad. and so many other reasons but their other children are in india they bought house/car everything in their early 20s... Is it our fault
she always tells us that younger son and daughter has this /that ...I am not jealous about them... I know its our fate it takes us so long to settle for us while they got everything even before their marriage.. I cannot tolerate her behaviour....
Do you thinks still I should call her...

MrsV · Feb 5, 2009

it seems like she holds you guys to a higher standard.. DH's mom is like that with us sometimes and i used to get so annoyed before, but now I see it.. everybody in India know that you guys are well off that you can give her wayyy more that Rs.100 - so when her kids in India give her something, she probably wants to show it off..

And I don't think you have anything to feel insecure about - and you mention about your fate that you can't settle sooner, but you are settled in the US, if she says her younger kids have this and that, who cares.. just mention that you and your hubby are on a different level and cannot even be compared.. be firm and secure in yourself.. and if she keeps talking, let her talk.. her fodder shouldn't bother you.. maybe she says wonderful things about you guys to the younger siblings?

Manaswini08 · Feb 5, 2009

Obviously your MIL feels the need to brag about her younger children because they are not as well off as you are (in her eyes, at least). People in India figure that you are in America which in essence makes you more financially well off. Of course, they do not know the financial burdens that we face here. I wonder if your MIL brags about you when you are not within earshot.

Rihana · Feb 5, 2009

Renu1999 said: ↑

Hi all,

my question is do you voluntarily invite your inlaws.
Click to expand...

Renu, responding to specifically this part of your post. No. After experiences a little bit similar to what you have described, I actively discourage the idea of them visiting us. To be fair, I do not have anyone from my side also coming over to visit. Before I came up with this "discourage visits from India" policy, my in-laws had visited multiple times, and my mother once, and father never.

To be fair to my kids and not deprive them of knowing grandparents, we go to India for frequent short trips. Sometimes, just my husband takes the kids too as they have always been easy to manage. My in-laws appreciate these visits where I don't tag along, and they get quality time with their son and grandkids (not that we have any major differences to begin with).

I also actively encourage my husband to buy and take stuff(some expensive too like digital camcorder, ipods) for his family. and it so happens that luckily for me, all my family wants is ziplocs, dabbas, kleenex, big trash bags(!), small non-stick pans and other non-expensive items.

Why I discourage in-laws and my family's visits, is that they take a very heavy toll on our marriage. Weeks before and for weeks after that our life is a war-zone. Ours was a love marriage with parents approval that was given, but given very reluctantly after lot of heartache on all sides. I cannot take a chance on my husband and me ending up with major differences due to our families' visiting, as we have no one to turn to for any kind of help in resolving. They will just say "we told you so".
This is what makes me discourage visits from India, and I do feel guilty about it at times and have to remind myself about my reasons. I also remind myself that I am discouraging the visits only after bad experiences, and it is infact better for all concerned that these be avoided so that relationship doesn't get effected beyond repair.

I have no sugestions for your case in particular right now, other ladies have touched on lot of aspects already... I wanted to say you are not alone in never inviting in-laws voluntarily.

Rihana

madhu99 · Feb 5, 2009

I do not mind when my MIL comes over every year,i too had ups and downs with my mil....i do not mind when my dh buys her gifts, we plan to take her out to many places, my mil too brags about others , i figured out since she canot point out any wrong with me so she just keeps bragging about others....i do every thing at home ,she just sits on couch .....,me and my husband plan and buy her jewellery .....infact it was my idea to get gold necklace for her birthday when she was here.... she calls sil every day and thats ok ,she might be missing her daughter too......we bought her laptop and taught her to email.....i always keep in mind that as i like my parents my dh likes his parents.....i learnt one thing ,since we are family i try to get along.

regards
madhu

jasminerule · Feb 9, 2009

wowwww, reading your post makes me so sad, I am having a son who we will be raising with lot of love and sacrifice and the thought of him marrying a woman like you later in life really scare me. Do I have to wait for my DIL to invite me over to my SON's house? After raising him with so much love do we really have to do this when we get old and no longer able to support ourselves, am not talking only in term of money but in term of DIL having respect to her husband's parents?

And what do you find so wrong of your MIL calling her daughters and sons everyday??? Do you have children? Do you love them and want to talk to them?

I will be very sad if my daughter become such a selfish person like you are and God forbid my son will never marry such a woman. So saddddd....