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Why Are Indian Women Like This???

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Manaswini08, Dec 11, 2008.

  1. mahika

    mahika Bronze IL'ite

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    well This is very intresting topic .Here is my opinion .I believe the main reason why indian women are treated like this is because of women .If we set example in front of our kids to be subbmissive ,managing house, ,getting abused ,trying to adjust as much as possibe then subcounsiously our kids will learn the sme thing from us .Our daughter will try to do the same thing and our sons will expect the same thing from their wife .So who is responsible and who has the responsiblity to bring a change in this patten..WE .
    I have seen so many very educated women boasting that they have to get into kitchen their kids wont eat food if they dont cook .Their hubby will sleep hungry if they dont cook ,their house will be in mess if they dont clean .Well Hello was your hubby starving before you got married .Honey they will do it if you just let it go .
    havent we all tried to be like our moms no matter how much we said in those teenager days that i will never be like my mom but arnt we a reflection of her to some extent .Do we want our daughter to be a reflection of ourselves (in terms of getting abused,slogging ,adjusting ,crying ).
    Remember that usa and uk were also the same during victorian days ,womens coditions were very similar to indian women today but it all changed because they took charge of their lives .How may of us have that much guts today .
    Ok here is a example :(a real example of very close friend of mine) Radha is a working women having one kid .after reaching home from office radha goes to gym and her hubby gives bath to kid .then they both cook something (which is partly store brought or precoked)have dinner,hubby does the dishes radha helps the kid in home work .Puts the kid to bed and pack lunch box .In office radha sometimes mentions about how her hubby helps her and how they rarely cook .she doesnt care if the house is mess .they both do their cleaning on weekends .
    what thought comes to your mind . In her office people(100 % women)have branded as lazy,manipulating hubby ,making hubby dance on her finger ,kind of words .Some one even said how can a woman be like that . she doesnt cook every day .How can she sleep when there is mess in living room .etc
    lets move the clock 20 years ahead .Radha daughter is married now ,and so is her colleagues dughter married .I leave it up to you guys to imagine what life will those two girls have ...probably you will get the point .
    Ladies when a man changes he just changes him self but when we change we will change all our generations.
     
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  2. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    I just wanted to add one point to Manaswini's main one of the tendency of some Indian women to allow their husbands, families, and in-laws to take advantage of them: in many of the threads complaining about this, I see ILites advising the troubled women to "get their way" by employing under-handed tactics like fake crying, cajoling, wheedling or manipulating the husband, pretending to be tired or ill, or lying to MILs or husbands who are being pushy or demanding.

    This concerns me, because in my opinion, these are not honourable ways to behave. If we feel we are being ill-treated or abused, we have a responsibility to ourselves and our children to try to bring about change in open, honest, and direct ways. Playing the same sorts of games our tormentors do reduces us to their level. How can we expect to be taken seriously, and have our complaints heard, if we resort to tactics that will make people question our integrity and intentions?

    I cannot accept these proposals as valid forms of advice. There really is no provocation that justifies risking your own reputation and good standing. People are unlikely to respond favourably to your demands for change if you have proven yourself to be unreliable and manipulative in the past. I am not saying that when women are ill-treated, it is their fault; instead, I urge all women out there to always hold themselves up to the highest standards of behaviour while fighting for their rights.
     
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2008
  3. Manaswini08

    Manaswini08 Bronze IL'ite

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    Mahika, you are so on key. Women are the first to criticize other women even if we know that what they are doing is right. How sad.
     
  4. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Manaswini,

    To your point on why majority of Indian women put up with this kind of treatment, the biggest reason is because they are helpless or atleast they feel they are helpless especially when the husbands are not supportive.

    Here are some of the most common scenarios of helplessness -

    1. Financial dependancy - Letz accept it, not all Indian women are employed. They really fear to raise their voice against the bad treatment for fearing of risking their marriage. With kids in picture, it is even harder. Though the girl's parents may be supportive,to most middle class parents, it is a financial burden if their unemployed daughter and her kids depend on them due to problems with her husband and in-laws. Hence they often suggest that the girl should try to adjust.

    2. Women dont want to be totally independant - As many of us mentioned here, there are many well employed and financially independant women who put up with this. That is surprising, but again a lot of them are just financially independant and they still depend a lot of their husband for their day to day life. I worked in a IT Multinational company and it is awkward to see that even women who are in high and responsible positions are reluctant to take a domestic/ international flight. They want a company for everything. I myself have taken domestic and international flights several times and i really dont understand why an educated adult lady need to depend on company for that.
    This category of women really dont need to put up with bad treatment. But they have it carved in stone in their minds that they cannot manage without the support of a husband.

    3. Mental dependancy of husbands - Some women are mentally just too dependant on their husbands. They usually are least interested in the people and world around...their husband is the center of their world.They lack self esteem and individuality.. their sole existence is 'xyz's wife'.Their only aim in life is to live up to the expectations of her husband and in-laws.For that they are willing to sacrifice anything and everything. Even when they are subject to ridicule and bad treatment, they put on a 'Happily married woman ' face and brag to friends and relatives how wonderful and caring her hubby and in laws are. These women are every male chauvanist Indian guy's 'Ideal wife and bahu'.
    Unfortunately this category of women are the most taken for granted. Because no matter how badly they are treated, their husbands know that they will put up with it without uttering a word.

    According to me Category 1) is really helpless.
    Women in 2) and 3) really dont need to put up with it... for them I have the same question Manaswini started off with " Why are Indian women like this " :crazy
     
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  5. MrsV

    MrsV Bronze IL'ite

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    I think abuse and mistreatment of women pans all racial and ethnic and socio economic boundries, there are plenty of Hispanic, Black and White women that face these issues everyday. Some may even say that Indian women are far more educated, so there are better off than many.

    I agree, women are scavengers, they pick at a corpse until nothing remains and then shed tears - we are our own worst enemy. Many want to make themselves feel better so they belittle others.

    Indian society places a lot of emphasis on women being the Lakshmi of the house and to be the subservient, obiedient wife and great mothers than even further illustrated to point of utter embrassment by Indian movies - a woman's love will change her wayward husband and make her family great! What nonsense!! This crap is engraved into the psyche of Indian society and there will be no change overall. So if you need to change your life, you alone can do it.

    I know that there are women with years and years of mistreatment by parents and how the husband and inlaws to have a low morale, and it is not easy to snap out of it, but it must be done. Hell hath no fury of woman scorned! And I believe all women have a resovoir of hidden strength and all she would have to do is tap it, unfortunately several of them don't and has the worst possible ending.
     
  6. rr99

    rr99 Senior IL'ite

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    Ansuya,
    you've brought up a valid point about women needing to play fair, But it fails you when the other end is being manipulated by the very 'feminine wiles' that we are trying to shun,
    Hats off to Manaswini for bringing up this dialog, Given the situation, we can educate our daughters to stand up for themselves & on our part as parents, not tolerate it if they end up with a manipulative set of in-laws, Arranged or otherwise, liek our parents do or we ourselves do thinking about the 'bad name ' that might reflect on our parents, ( Cant bear this low down psychological tactic of getting at women by balming the parents). till then fight fire with fire i guess... as they say "ghee seedhi unglee se nahi nikalti to unglee tedi karni padti hai"

    great topic ladies!
     
  7. Stillagirl

    Stillagirl New IL'ite

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    Good thread! and good analysis by all here.

    Did you know that Indians rank much higher interms of intelligence than world average? Yet, we sometimes do not behave in accordance :)
    Yes, the disparity in typical Indian marriages is far more than those outside. Its the "marriage" of the two mindsets - Above normal levels of male ego mixed with boost for the same from his family and society and below normal levels of female pride along with way too much of tolerance. :spin

    We women have been trained since childhood to hush down our voices, walk without noises, keep our opinions to ourselves, and be "responsible" - these, apparently, are the right qualities to be a "likable" girl. And boys are taught the exact opposite. Plus, our society holds these views way too strongly for anyone's good. Rant

    It is funny since I've never once heard a man appreciate a woman having an ego! When we talk of ego, it always seems to conjur up as arrogance for all. So along with arrogance, many of us decide to let go of the "pride" as well, so we remain "likable" . On the other hand, a man without ego is unheard of, even regarded as incompetent. !!bonk

    It will start to change when we as mothers instill a different set of values in our sons, that of gender equality and dignity of work for all!
     
  8. Bujji

    Bujji Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello seemagirl999,

    Being attached to mom is not a fault. Husband should understand that, even wife is affectionate with her mom like he does. And he doesnt have any right to abuse his wife, when there is a conflict between his mom and wife.
    Hope everyone mentioned this way, in their posts.

    Every mom is a wife , right? So, when they brought up their son, they should have teach him how to treat his wife. This is what everybody mentioned above.

    PS: I dont think , "commenting on other's perspective on culture just by seeing their profile", is the nice thing.
    Correct me if i am wrong.
     
  9. sashie

    sashie New IL'ite

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    Yes very interesting topic, Why do we put up with this?????? I agree with some of the replies, the way some men are brought up....To think that the wife will totally succumb to his and his families every need. ANd yes i think most problems are due to the il's (at least in my case).....so many times husb will use his parents words and feelings to fight...why????? i think that sometimes my husb cannot think for himself...pathetic!!! AS for speaking up, its hard, coz the DIl is then treated like an outcast and the whole family will mistreat her....

    DrowningDrowningsash
     
  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I do have a few things to point out here.
    Firstly, this is a place where women come for help, I'm sure we are seeing a lot of posts about abuse and oppression because of that. So we may have our data skewed. How many times do we post how happy we are? Atleast I don't.
    Secondly, I've personally seen women in abusive relationships who can't come out of it among so many non-Indians in the US. I can't understand why anyone would tolerate it but some women just do. It's a "global" issue.
    Btw, men not helping with chores - global again. Among all Indian/non-Indian co-workers/friends, there is a certain % of women who get help and all the others are left to fend for themselves. I've had a lot of my western friends comment on how lucky I was to have DH do stuff around the house.
    The ILs problem transends boundaries - cultural, religious and ethnic. All of us had issues with our MILs when they visited.
    And not getting help around the house is not = abuse.
    I think the original poster, Manaswini was talking about true physical/emotional abuse and having lived in both countries for considerable amounts of time, I know it happens in both places. Nothing is black and white.

    Thirdly, today, women in India are taking control of their lives. I personally see a change from a decade ago. In the next decade or so, we will see a lot more changes in India.
    Fourthly, I belong to a community in India where we are "Matriarchal". We are a women oriented society and even now my daughter will carry on my family name/lineage(the one I got from my mother). Even westerners were amused when they found out about my community - even they are not that way.
    Even with us, things are changing, we are becoming more and more nuclear but until a generation ago(mom, MIL) the women controlled most things at home - finance/property etc. Dad/FIL took care of trivial things(E.g; during their house construction MIL decided everything - how many rooms/what layout/budget etc. FIL decided on colour of paint/colour of tiles etc and even that let me choose). So Not "ALL" indian communities treat their women with disrespect.
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2009

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