How do u manage a situation like this?

venusbaby · Jan 14, 2009

Hello all,

i am here to seek ur valuable suggestions in one of my situations now..
I am now 14 weeks along with my 1st pregnancy in US due in July...Owing to some family issues both of my Dh's and my families have put the communications to the minimal point... Fortunately, very recently my parents stepped forward to develop a good rapport since i got pregnant now...ofcourse my FIL also has stepped forward...
my DH is very secret person and dont let his plans come out to me any time..And moreover he does'nt like any of my family members to come to our place and meet me....For this, U all will very soon read my story here, yet to be approved by the moderator.

Now the problem is, now that i need my mother who can take care of me in my last month of pregnancy, my DH and I have till date did not talk about calling my mom for help.... Though he somehow manages some household work,, how can i manage in my 9th month, during and after my pregnancy?? it is also not possible for him to stay at home with me all the days leaving his office aside..
But now i am in somewht in a dilemma as how to start the topic of calling my mom in my 9th month....Today he said indirectly to me that the flight charges have gone up....I am wondering how to let my DH directly or indirectly know that i am looking forward to call my mom here and that he need to make necessary arrangements...
But if i have a direct conversation with him regarding this,, the topic flies away to the different direction and he ends up fighting with me about his parents and all,,,,

I would appreciate much if anyone could give me some tips as how to beat the bush in regards to this...

Thank u all

Rihana · Jan 14, 2009

If your DH is secretive and not very keen to have your mother over, it might not be a good idea to have her over. You want to enjoy your pregnancy as much as you can, and also enjoy your baby's first months, as they fly by. Even for you, if your mother comes over, all past issues will become fresh and looong discussions will ensue. Over the phone, they remain thankfully brief.

How to manage in 9th month and after delivery without help? It is easier than it seems. Once your morning sickness and other early pregnancy stuff has reduced, you can plan and get a lot done ahead. In the last few weeks, you go for checkups every 2 weeks, and then every week. You ob/gyn will guide you through all the changes, and answer all your queries/doubts patiently. There are so many books and videos that tell you all.. the most obvious one - What to expect when you are expecting.

When you are in the hospital for the delivery, the nurses and doctors are very very helpful. Just you and your husband can easily manage. There is no running around to do to get medicines or make payments etc. They have lactation experts at the hospital who help with breast-feeding. They also call you later at home to make sure you are not having any feeding problems.

Care of baby: It comes naturally. Initially, for a week or 10 days, your DH will be the one to take care of it. After that you will be able to. The only major thing to figure out will be food. If you live in an area with lot of Indians, you might be able to find someone who will cook and deliver or you can pick up.

If your DH does not want to call any family over, he must have other plans in mind. Maybe he is planning to take off. Maybe you have some friends who can help out for a week or so?

I feel if there have been issues in the recent past, it might be a better idea to not call anyone over. I am assuming this is your first baby.

I had a c-section and managed fine without help. Baby had to be in NICU for couple of weeks too. But, it worked out fine. You have to be prepared to let some things go - like I didn't know for a long time how to give my baby an oil-massage, and I ate food from outside(not homecooked). But, overall, the peace at home was worth it!

Think about it. If your mother comes over, she will be here for minimum 4 or 6 months. You will be playing peacemaker all the time instead of enjoying the best time of your life. Wish you luck in deciding what to do, you know yourself best and what you can handle/manage!

I have no suggestion on how to bring up the topic with DH. They can be so dense and pigheaded when it comes to such topics.

Rihana

CarpeDiem · Jan 14, 2009

Hi venusbaby,

Firstly, Hearty Congratulations to you on your pregnancy. It's unfortunate that relationship between your parents and in-laws have soured, but this shouldn't in any way impact your feelings and wishes to have your mom with you during the most important time in your life. I know it's hard, but try to treat these like two seperate events. Hopefully something positive comes out with your parents extending the olive branch to make things better.

Regarding how to approach your husband, try doing so in a very non-confrontational tone when he is in a good mood. You can mention to him that you would really like to have your mother with you during the delivery and for the help with the baby thereafter. You can suggest that you will look online for deals and call up travel agents to get airline quotes rather than asking him to do the planning. Ignore his comments about air-tickets and his parents. You need to keep calm and put your point across. You can also suggest to him that his parents are also more than welcome to come and stay with you guys after a year or so or after your mother has gone.

Hope this helps! Take Care

venusbaby · Jan 14, 2009

CarpeDiem said: ↑

Hi venusbaby,

Firstly, Hearty Congratulations to you on your pregnancy. It's unfortunate that relationship between your parents and in-laws have soured, but this shouldn't in any way impact your feelings and wishes to have your mom with you during the most important time in your life. I know it's hard, but try to treat these like two seperate events. Hopefully something positive comes out with your parents extending the olive branch to make things better.

Regarding how to approach your husband, try doing so in a very non-confrontational tone when he is in a good mood. You can mention to him that you would really like to have your mother with you during the delivery and for the help with the baby thereafter. You can suggest that you will look online for deals and call up travel agents to get airline quotes rather than asking him to do the planning. Ignore his comments about air-tickets and his parents. You need to keep calm and put your point across. You can also suggest to him that his parents are also more than welcome to come and stay with you guys after a year or so or after your mother has gone.

Hope this helps! Take Care
Click to expand...

thanks for answering and understanding my situation... i also thank the other post for her answer...
though i am confident enough to handle and manage the situations, i sometimes like to take some experienced tips just to make sure i should do everything good and proper not to effect anybody or anything.... For any girl in her pregnancy, she desperately needs her mother to be with her for moral and psycological support since we too are human beings and want our family to stand by us when needed, especially mothers.....
and i wish all the women here should have no problem with this issue when they need their mothers in their most crucial time...

asuitablegirl · Jan 14, 2009

Hi Venus,

I really agree with what Rihana has said. It is definitely possible for just you and your dh to manage. Many couples do so!

If you add your mom into the mix it might cause a lot of tension in your home, especially if family issues are a hot topic for you and your dh. I have not had a baby yet, but if I were in your position I would just handle the situation myself with dh's help and leave both sets of families out of the care taking process.

Check out some books from the library about pregnancy and delivery. Perhaps join a pregnancy class with other women and learn how they plan to handle things independently. I think men are even allowed to take a paternity leave now from work upon the birth of their baby... so consider that option! Definitely the experience of taking care of the baby will bring both of you even closer together! If inviting your mom home will cause a strain between you and your dh, why risk it? Just my opinion.

Take care and best wishes for a healthy and happy baby! :thumbsup

SoniaAgarwal · Jan 14, 2009

Hi ,
My suggestion is keep ticket ready for your mother but try to manage thing Indepedently with your husaband and ask your husband that i want to manage wit you and myself but in case any problem arise at then that moment i want my mummy and i fno problem then you cancel that ticket In this way you will feel secure but this think that you need to manage Indepedently with husband it should be your first choice. I you need mummy call after birth.

Sonia
All the best may you get hasselfree pregancy and bound between you and your husaband become stronger:thumbsup

asha_karthik · Jan 15, 2009

hi.. read ur other detailed post as well.. i didn't want to reply to that coz now is the time to forget ur past.. especially when its clear ur past post-marriage had been miserable. dont think abt those negative aspects - that wud sure affect ur to-be-born little one. you seem to remember every incident.. try and not think abt the past.

with ur hubb i think the only good thing that he has done so far (from ur post) is his decision of bringing u overseas and staying away from his so-called family. while i totally agree that its very hard to bring ur mom at this point of time, i am not sure how much ur hubb wud be able to physically support you at least for 10-15 days after ur delivery fully; and for a few months, depending on ur situation, he shd be able to share lot of work with you. can he do all that?

while ur emotional strength is very very important at this time (which you have anyway), that wudn't do everything with pregnancy. i hv heard of cases where pregnancy was handled by self too.. (like what rihana has mentioned here.. where she has mentioned she has a helping hubby).. but there were cases of back pain and bad health a few years later. i know this is a very open statement and might not be the case with everyone. touchwood.. i recovered quite early after my delivery and i was just normal. after 2-3 days, i went to the toilet and fainted there suddenly. luckily, since i never used to lock the door from inside during those days (my mom's instruction), my aunt came to my rescue.. she literally had to change my napkin (remember.. change the used one to the new one) and carry me outside. only carrying the outside part was done by my hubb who was outside in the room. i still remember my first bath after the delivery.. my mom insisted she accompanies and i kept refusing.. then finally i agreed. the first mug of water on me.. i again started falling down. she had to drag me out of the bathroom again. these are the least i can describe here. rest of the normal activities for ur kid and u.. will ur hubb do all that during the initial days..? can he do good share of work for at least 2 months after the delivery? this is ur first delivery and u ll hv quite a many suprises.

pls pls dont think i am scaring u.. despite all this, i wud admit i recovered faster than i expected with the complications i had. and this whole thing is easier than what we expect.. provided we hv sufficient help.

i think the main crux of ur post is to know how to open up this issue with hubb. very difficult to answer this. with the other post, i only hv negative opinion on ur hubb (sorry for this). you only know how he can be made to accept something. its very natural for anyone to expect their moms for their first delivery. no guy can dispute that. tell him that u hv to go to india if ur mom doesn't come here.. in any case he has to spend on ur tickets. show him cases of ur neighbours, friends and colleagues who might be hving their moms here - i am sure there wud be a few others at least. ask him to talk to his colleagues who had kids recently.. whether they brought their inlaws to the US or not. (do some home work to pick the best cases.. dont get a case where inlaws came for help.. thats a badddd choice in ur case)

but i think u shd start this processing soon.. coz i dont know how long it takes these days to get a visa done (out of touch so..) and then the cost of the tickets only goes up every day u keep thinking abt it. but yes, keep ur mom's trip as short as possible (say 2-3 months shd be sufficient for u to be on ur own). that ll help all of u.

take care of ur health u bold sweet girl.. i am very proud of knowing u (oops such a long reply i hv given.. sorry for that)

jasminerule · Jan 15, 2009

I definitely agree with Rihana, it's not hard to take care of the baby without your mother's help. When I had my first baby, the economy was really bad so hubby couldn't even take one day off the whole time during, after delivery and even when I was still in the hospital. Of course, it's hard and it will be much easier if somebody is there to take care of food, changing baby's diaper but it's NOT impossible. I did it all and I cooked, cleaned, washed dishes after 3 days of giving birth to my daughter. Ofcourse my hubby said no but I feel bad that he had to stressed out about economy then come home with a dirty house and nothing to eat. We did eat out very often after I gave birth.

I do suggest you to find an Indian woman who cook home made food at home then your husband can pick it up this should be more than enough to lessen your stress.

And don't forget, we women are much stronger than we thought we could be, you can do it.

Rihana · Jan 15, 2009

I thought I was the only one who felt we can manage by ourselves after a baby is born. For us, it happened by chance, that no one could come from India. Turned out to be a blessing in disguise. The last 2-3 of weeks of pregnancy were so special, just the two of us awaiting the birth of our first child. Since there was just us at home, it was much more easier to be natural. Each time the baby kicked, DH could feel it without having to feel odd about it due to company. Things like what name, not telling anyone gender of the baby though we had found out were easier to do without explaining to anyone.

If my mom had been there, she would have taken care of me, but, having DH take care of me (when he got home..) was extra special. After the baby came home too, it was like a blissful time, just us both with our newborn. Our friends understood our request that they come to see teh baby only during the weekends, and that too just between such and such time. We remember making some silly diaper mistakes, calling up pediatrician's office with silly questions (once they told us to go read the book they gave us :roll . If there are others present, even our own mom and/or dad, there is a certain amount of formality. With just us 2 and the baby, we did what we wanted, when we wanted, cooked what we wanted, ate what we wanted. With grandparents at home, things have to be more timely... They want to keep cooking the whole day. In our case, there is also the thing that our parents need to be entertained. They get bored staying at home all day, and arranging for their entertainment/outings during the evenings or weekends would have taken away precious daddy-baby time.

I am not trying to sell the idea of not calling parents for delivery. I am trying to point out some plus points if for some reason someone cannot have someone from India to come to help. another factor that cannot be ignored in this uncertain economy, is the cost. Ticket plus insurance plus some sightseeing in the U.S., gifts from there, from here... all soon add up.

For those having a baby for the first time in the U.S., I would suggest talking to some close friends about their experience. The ob/gyns, pediatricians, nurses, are very helpful and I never felt uncomfortable or silly or discriminated in any way. They are very compassionate and kind and professional, even after dealing with so many deliveries every day.

If someone is having a second baby, then some help or arrangements might be needed, especially if the older kid is under 3.

Thanks for starting this thread. It brought back some great memories. Wish you the best for your pregnancy. Irrespective of other issues in your life at this time, try to enjoy it as much as you can. Enjoy every visit to the doctor, ask whatever questions you have. If there are any traditions or superstitions or myths in your side or your DH's side related to pregnancy/baby, try to follow them too, just for peace of mind!