How much legal and moral say a wife can have over husband's earnings?

Hi,.
Dont do this try to make his salary our salary i did same mistake i was in USA i thought if my husband not giving i will try to do job tried and got job but otherside my husband becam more close to his family and as i was worried abut future i was doing hard work but he not relise and send his earning to his family and need mine also i think not concntrat o job concentrate on you bonding with husband otherwise big problem you will face its time you are with your hubby only once you go back problem will arise.

 

Hi Nithya.
It looks like you are really frustrated with your husband's attitude towards money and your needs. I think you must try to lower your expectations. Dont fret abt not getting anything from him for your anniversary. Not all couples gift each other for that, incl. myself. Try to forget money matters for some time. May be once he gets a better job, he will spend liberally on you. I'm not saying that it's wrong on your part to expect something... but, if you stop expecting, your life will become happier. And it will be a great surprise when he does buy something for you, which I pray will happen soon And at that time, it will be a trivial issue that he dint get you the ring this year...

How much legal say you can have over your husband's earnings? I dont know if there is any law about this, and I dont know how it is in India and US... There are laws governing alimony, but you are not talking about that, I m sure.

How much moral say? I think 100%; you have every right to discuss or influence your husband's expenses and savings. But, you cannot force him to do or not do something. You both decide together what to do with his/your sal. Sadly that isnt the case in many families.

Dont try to corner your husband by telling him such statistics. It would only irritate him and may be he will try to do things (spending on his ppl) more secretly than now.

If you want to know how much money out of his salary he must spend on you (or give to you), I think it is really dependent on several personal factors.

About the course, may be you can lure your husband to sponsor your studies by telling him the benefits (job opportunities) on finishing the course. It's always a good idea to acquire some skill b4 looking for a job. If it doesnt work out, check if it is possible to do the studies on your own (may be get the help of someone who did the course earlier, or try taking the course online) and take a certification exam, which would definitely cost less than the course. Also, as Laks said, look for a scholarship. Good luck!

Regards,
Sandhya

 

Hi Nithya,

Since your dh is so keen on money, explain to him that studying will enable you to make more money. Put it in a way that shows you are interested in contributing money to your home and that it wouldn't just be for yourself. Maybe this way he will be enticed to let you take the courses.

And you know, 40k salary is not that bad. Perhaps if he was not sending so much money to his parents and sis you would not be in this money crunch. Sorry if I sound harsh but your dh seems selfish. If you two don't have extra money to spend on each other right now, that's fine, economy is tough it's a good time to be frugal. So why are you sending what little money you do save to his family for things like air tickets? Since your dh has been generous with them, will they be willing to return the favor and help with your school costs? I don't think so! You two should start looking out for yourselves and saving for your own goals. An education is a very good investment!

In fact me and my dh were talking about education the other night... and he was telling me to go to graduate school after college, and I said how expensive that will be, but he told that education is an investment that keeps grows in value even after the course is completed... and you know, he is right. I definitely encourage you to take the course. Perhaps you could visit the school and ask what type of financial assistance they offer? If your parents are contributing half, you only need to come up with $2,000 right? That is not that much, I'm sure the school will be able to work with you.

Good luck!

 

Hello,

My husband never gives any gifts to me and I don't even bother for it, as I know he works for the family very hard.
Second thing from your financial status, I think may be your husband is a responsible person to keep family in good state. If I get same amount salary as you and especially in CA, I would be very nervous too.
And your concern spending for his family, we always feel make our parents to be proud of us. May be he is trying to do that, showing to his family that he is in good state.
After initial years of marriage there is lot of difference between wife and the parent. Wife just came into the life and parents are there forever.
So may be, he is thinking it is his responsibility to spend towards parents even he has hard finances.
I think, for you its better to do some studies and get into the job. That’s why he may feel good with his financial situation and as well as you.
You try to make him to understand to do the course and don’t keep any hard feeling towards gifts or anything. I think first you need to keep your aim to do some course and get into some job.

Good Luck.

 

Hi nithya,
I was reading your post and found it full of concerns. First of all, your husband's salary is not everything in your married life.. I wouldn't say it is nothing.. but it is just part of your life. I know being in california is expensive and you may feel that insufficient. But dont feel bad. Initial days of marriage are always a challenge. Try to understand your husband. He might have thought that he would be able to give you a good life with this salary and it wouldn't go least in his mind to think about gifts. If he is loving to you and understanding in your day to day activities, then that is the best anniversary gift you can ever get. He may not see things the way you do. So the best thing you can do is to tell him what you feel. This is very crucial in marriages.. If you dont speak things properly then it might lead to confusions later on and then on to mis understandings. If things are spoken out and made it clear then there is no cloud between you and your husband Drowning...

Studying is good.. and it is nowhere based upon his salary. He can get you a loan from any bank or you can ask help from your parents.. i dont say that your parents should give the money out of their pocket.. They can get you a student loan from india and you can re pay that back when you start earning. Also you should analyze that if the course you are doing is good enough to fetch you a job immedietely. And if you need $4000 to do the course i dont think you would need it all once.. may be you can change your visa status to student and do small earnings of your own to pay the fees.. So don't get frustrated thinking too many things.. Think of how you can solve those problems.. And i feel you have no reason to blame your husband when you dont tell him what is going on in your mind. May be he would come up with a better solution for your studies.. When he is working hard to take care of you and himself i feel you shouldn't be worrying about anything.. rather you should be enjoying life...

Take care sweety.. stop getting tensed.. speak out... and if he still doesnt care about your feelings... then we can talk about it later!:crazy

 

I am thinking------you are expecting wayyyyyy to much from your husband. We used to live in CA and my husband, being a recent grad made only 85K and we used to have to live frugally and watch our budget, 40K is nothing for CA. It makes sense that your husband asking you to scrape and save every penny.
About diamond ring, do you really think most husbands get their wives diamond on anniversary? With his salary, you should have been appreciated of him for wanting to get you a $150.00 ring. I've been married to my husband for 7 years and he has never gotten a diamond ring for me on our anniversary or birthday.
For my last Birthday, my daughter and hubby got me an Apple Pie from a local Grocery Store and some cupcakes and I was so happy because of her thoughtfulness given she's only 6 years old.

Regarding him not giving a single penny is his fault indeed, you are his wife and you do have some rights regarding this.

I will advise you to understand that everybody's finance situation is different, do not look at other people's lives or what they have and try to compare to your own. This will only make you feel miserable. Instead, try to look at things from your husband's perspective. I am sorry I may be harsh on you but you are just like a friend of mine who just came from India and think America is a paradise, money grows on trees. She also expects diamonds from her husband without understanding the complexity of life here in America. If you are out of job and do not have any saving, this is the worst place on earth.
If you feel like a fool spending $100 on hubby for his Birthday what do you think he must feel like if he would have paid $4000 for your education?
Try to work with your husband, ask him how much would he feel comfortable giving you per month for your personal spending.

For others who never lived in CA, let me tell you making 40K equals to 10K elswhere in US.

 

Dear Nithya ,

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