solve my problem with my MIL!

seemaa · Jan 8, 2009

sonu...on reading ur mail i was feeling as if i was writing my part of story ...so very similar ...this only says all of us go through the same things ...we all should form a bond and talk to each other ,advice each other ,find ways to feel better and in the end feel good that we have atleast each other (the IL) who can understand our heart....

rjhari · Jan 8, 2009

I learnt a lesson hard way in similar situation you mentioned, hell with my lack of diplomacy and double standards of my IL's. Now I just do my duty for them. I feel much better and more energetic for DH and my kid.

we should be glad that, we do not have to handle this every day staying with them. No one on earth can change if ILs are greedy. they are usually greedy for money or ego as someone mentioned here. It is better focus on things which helps our mental peace. Treat them as guests, do our duty and glad that we are working and donot have to put up with these issues whole daym, even if they are here with us.

sonu1973 · Jan 8, 2009

Hi Seemaa

Yes we all go thru similar things once married and its sad that we have to entail all these problems but we do as its expected to by inlaws...
If from the start inlaws treated us like daughters then we dils would bond with them better..but unfortunatley from day 1 they behave as if we are their enemies so it can never work..

Yes we should all stick to gether as its nice to know that we have each other to talk too...

xx

Mihika · Jan 9, 2009

Dear Priya
I am also having similar problems and am eagerly awaiting replies from ILs to my query. Anyway, I would also suggest that you do not try to keep your children away from your inlaws... it is not fair to the kids as well as to the old folks... be the better person.. forgive if you cannot forget...
Take care
Mihika

Rihana · Jan 9, 2009

Priya,

So it is time for another in-laws visit injection, and you are not happy! Happens to lot of women. What leaped out at me from your post was the statement 'I hate hating that woman', 'me and DH fighting in the night', 'despite being a loving and caring person'.

Some DILs would hate in-laws and just get on with life. You seem to want to solve this 'hating them' state, which to me means you are in no way causing this unpleasant situation. Some suggestions from personal (sigh!) experience:

1. Count your blessings: Solid advice. Good mental exercise to do so regularly. But, never worked for me. I found myself counting my blessings, then negotiating with God, that please, take away x y z blessing, but don't give me this a b c problem. We are often told to be thankful for great understanding husband and in-laws not living with us always. I never understood logic of that making up for in-laws visiting me and making me miserable me in my own house. I still used to brood about upcoming in-laws visit 24x7, at work, when driving, in the shower , even weeks before they come. So, if counting blessings doesn't work, you are not alone.

2. Treat them like guests This is a an idea that might work. Be polite, take care of them as much as you would for a guest, but beyond that don't let them get to you. Of course, this is easy to say, because "guests" stay for a week max, whereas in-laws visits last much longer.

3. They spend time with your kids: Think of it as something you are doing for your kids. Kids are getting to spend time with grandparents. We moms do sooo much for our kids, one more thing to the list...

4. You are working, so be thankful: My mom used to tell me this. It didn't work for me. When I worked, I wanted to come back home to a peaceful haven where I can just be myself, and get ready for another day. I instead found myself dreading reaching home,while wanting to pickup my kid from daycare as early as possible. Perhaps, if you are comfortable with the idea, you can use this opportunity, to work longer hours, or maybe your work takes on you an out-of-town trip? Of course, this will mean less time with kids.

5. You and DH take a short vacation: If your kids are not too young, maybe this can be an opportunity for you and DH to take a short 2 day vacation nearby? Leave kids with grandparents? Even as I type this, I know how not doable this is, nonetheless, an idea.

6. A girl-friend to dump on: This has been my greatest support. My girlfriends are always there to listen to my ranting. They don't judge, don't sympathise unnecessarily, don't offer solutions, just listen when I call or reply if I send incoherent emails about latest issues Big Laugh. This really helps. Most issues get handled without having to dump them on DH.

7. Rent a room: Sort of. When I have my in-laws over, my friends give me a key to their house. I have access to one room, where I can sometimes go spend some quiet time, just me, or me and my kids. This helped me when I had a day off, but DH didn't, and I didn't want to be stuck home all day. I went spent a few hours there often. Not very proud of this, but it helped!!!

8. Don't argue with DH: Even if DH understands your problems and feelings, don't keep going on and on, that will put anybody off. Deal with any small to medium MIL issues yourself, and tell DH only any big ones, if at all. What worked for me was to handle the issues myself mostly. Then, when in-laws left, I used to casually mention to DH that this visit went better with my 'take it easy, don't sweat the small stuff attitude' or something like that. This was necessary so my DH remains aware of how much patience and handling in-laws require. It is human nature to take for granted what is happening by itself. I wanted to handle my in-laws in a mature way, but didn't want that to be misconstrued as happening by itself or due to in-laws realizing the folly of their ways, my continued effort in that direction had to be seen.

9. How long: You might be able to have a say in how long they stay. Try to minimise each visit's duration.

10. Nice big calendar: Do what ASG has suggested. Nice big calendar. Nice thick bold red permanent marker to cross out the dates as each day goes by.

Above all, don't feel guilty for feeling like this. Some women have great in-laws, some don't. If yours has made comments about the greatness of her culture and lack of gifts from your family... then, nothing more needs to be said. You have every right for feeling how you do.

Best of luck,
Rihana

priya g · Sep 23, 2009

Hi everyone..I am so glad that I got hold of this site and found soooo many other ladies like me who r suffering and struggling with in-laws issues! It was in Januray that i posted my prob and after these months, in Sep now I am very happy to tell u all that I have solved my problem! Your advises and of course my hubby's support helped me a lot.
So, I wanted to thank u all and let u know how I have made mental peace with my in-laws! No! My FIL has not married a new MIl! ha ha ha...that lady has not chnaged an iota! It is just that when i read all the posts and began to wonder how to solve the problem..suddenly it became clear that I must GROWUP! though it took me a lot of time and even today it irks me..I have begun to connect all teh rubbish that my MIL says as if my 3 year old kid is talking! Meaning I am attributing all her behaviour as childish and thankfully not taking load to herat (believe me it took me all these months to do that). But when she rants and rants, I simply pick up a book and kep staring at the pages. Ifound that my MIL finds it humiliating and leaves in a huff then...but there are no arguments and there is silence!
And I am trying to do one more thing...I just play as a good host and retire to my rooma dn begin to play with my kids...DH thinks that I have changed and loves me more! I am glad that there is quiet in homefront and moreover, I am having more mental peace. Thanks to you all, friends for being sucha nice support! By the way, I have picked up morning walks and some yoga stretches as well....am in better shape (both mentally and physically and definitely more confident! I have vowed never to answer her back...Thanks to u all...my home is better now! God bless to u all too!