family unity vs money matter

rihari,

I agree with you about having a separate account. If things are really bad then even having your own place is not a bad idea.

This is what we have done. We returned to India 9 years ago. After living in the US for 18 years and living an independent life since the age of 21, my husband had a lot of issues when we moved into my in-laws home. I have always lived in a nuclear family and since I moved to US after marriage I too was having a hard time living in a joint family.

We bought a house and moved in about 7 years ago. Today we visit our in-laws regularly. If my fil is sick my mil has no issues calling us late in the night and festivals are always celebrated together. Last year my fil was not feeling well and my in-laws moved in with us for about a month. Not taking care of the house gave my mil all the energy she need to take of fil.

So please don't think that there is only one type of joint family (where everyone has to pool in the resources), You can start by changing the e-account for your pay cheque and see if anyone notices

 

Here is another suggestion, if you don't want to change your e-account.

Tell your company to pay you salary by cheque. Deposit that amount in the bank and then what ever you think is the appropriate amount write a cheque out for the head of the family.

I agree this is not going to be easy. But try to say that you are facing pay cuts because of recession or something to that effect.

I hope you find a solution soon.

 

Hi oaktree
Even i am sailing in d same boat like yrs...
I too feel re sentment sumtimes......
i m also mum but god knows till wat time it will go on.....
i sumtime get vry irritated but.......

earlier i was in canada so never used to indulge in all this but frm d time i have shifted to Delhi ,in joint family i am facing this situation
I hope sumbdy give nice idea to cum out of this situation

 

Hi Rjhari

Great approach. Now that you have put across your ideas, Maybe you should start telling your husband that you could use that money later, for school admissions or maybe go on a vacation together.

Once your dh is convinced that he is also going to enjoy the money you are saving, he will be more co-operative

Best of luck, I hope you are able to convince your dh soon

 

Dear Rjhari,
Making you buy sarees for everyone is a very crazy thought of your mil. i mean if you yourself feel like buying stuff for your co-sils so then its a different thing but forcing you is bad. after all if mil wants her other dils to have plenty of fancy stuff why can't she ask them to join some office as she forces you. Its unfair.
I feel bad when I see parents using one of the children to keep the financial show running and on the other hand they keep pamparing their other child.
Few days back, for the first time I raised my concern to fil saying my dh is overburdened with all the work and his health is getting affected but the smart guy my fil is... he refused to even acknowledge that it is so :spin 'Everyone needs to work hard in life for his business' is what he said and when I said - 'Exactly, everyone means everyone then why only my poor dh all the time?' ... then fil got angry :crazy that I could reply back to him. Even I am not talking to such an insensitive person since then and believe me that pisses him off all the more that I am not running behind him and asking forgiveness for what i said bonk


Regards
Oaktree

 

Dear solonacea,
Its very irritating I know :-(
Luckily in my household its not only me but off late my DH has also started feeling the concern as well as resentment. He feels that this way his younger brother will always remain a burden on someone or the other throughout his life. DH wishes for his bro's good and wants him to be strong and independent something which my bil is not at all interested in :spin
But the strange part is my inlaws fail to see that they are themselves making their younger son a cripple by all this over pampering and side taking. Sad.

Regards.
Oaktree

 

Hi Folks,

In a joint family can share in the following manner. This is practical experience.

For eg: If the expense of the house is 15k then father and 2 sons all shell out 5K each.

Every one has an equal amt of insurence and mediclaim policies. So in an event of any major illness the policy will take care.

All social and other personal expenses to be borne by individual.

DIL if earning has her own account.

One week a DIL cooks lunch, next week she cooks dinner. So alternate duties. Hence one week you are free in the morning and next week free in the evening. B/fast and evening snacks goes with lunch/dinner.

If there are too many guests then the workload is again divided.

Only the jewellery/assets coming from the elders is divided. But if one son is earning more his wife has all the liberty to spend accordingly. They are not liable to think for the other brothers and sisters.

To put all this in force...the head of the family has to be strong enough. They should not be biased with their children, only then it is possible to maintain peace and harmony in the family. If the elders don't listen then we have to put our foot down, but ofcourse the spouse should also oblige...otherwise the DIL will be fighting a lone battle. But we have to do for our own benefit if we are being taken for granted.

Don't think the above is good to hear or read...this is my practical experience.