Parents and In-laws driving me crazy.

LOL. I just burst into laughter when I read that you attained nirvana! :rotfl

Yep, it's funny how I would get into tiffs for someone else with their detractors and the next thing I know, former "enemies" are now the best of "friends" and I'm the "bad" person for "stirring the pot". Been burned a few times like this (very slow learner, I guess)

 

Dear Lady ,

If your parents are behaving differently respite the facts then they may have reasons for it ! They are your parents which means they have world's experience and have seen life better and differently than you have.
They maybe having reasons that they do not want to throw tantrums themselves and spoil your marriage !! Or maybe they feel it is right to behave so.. Leave it at that. They are old enough handle themselves. Do not speak in defense of anyone unless asked for.. You will be surprised if you do so !!
Now what you could do.. Stop defending anyone and tell anyone who talks ill about you or your loved ones that you arent intrested in childish talks .
Everyone has problems with someone or the other.. but you arent intrested much to know about what each ones opinion are !! You have a life and need to move on with that !!
Seldom talk to your in laws.. Now you cannot cut ties with whoever totally unless it is too dangerous isnt ? Instead stay away from loose talks..
WHile you do talk , never get your parents topic or any unpleasant talks during that. The moment such a conversation shoots.. snub it and tell them you cant hear well or you will call later and cut the call.. Do not bother about their reactions.. I am sure your hubby will understand why you avoiding and snubbing such talks.. so that there are no unecessary conflicts !
You say it firmly when you ae hurt and that is it !! Take care , good girl !!

 

Friend, well it feels little whacked to address with that name.

I smiled as I read through your first and second post. So much for marriage and its intricacies.. You know whats ailing you. You are taking life more seriously than it should be taken as.

You are talking about marriage, and you would be surprised to re-read your post from my eyes. No where in the whole text you mentioned your Husband!!! Is nt he the main reason you are in marriage for?

If you two are having great rapport, then I would think rest all is trivial. You seem to have understanding issues with your parents too. Whats stopping you to ask yoru own parents openly, why they do what they do? Rather than burning your blood over it, seek their approach in the matter. In my view they are just taking your in-laws on face value and refusing to get affected by your in-laws 's bad behaviour.

Whenever in marriage you find yourself obsessing over anything beyond your actual area of influence (your kids and husband), step back and think again. May be you are obsessing and giving too much importance to external people who dont even need it!

Ria

 

Friend,

In response to your last post, clarifying the situation, I have only one thing to say. If you won't accept some behaviors from a stranger, you should not accept it from a relative, no matter how close.

NO ONE has the right to interfere in your marriage, not your in-laws, not your parents. NO ONE has the right to stir your marital pot and you should go to ANY extent to protect your family and your sanity from so called relatives who don't mind making trouble for you. If they don't give you moral or emotional support, then you should learn to do without. You should further examine if your relationship with these people is worth all the heartache and bitterness that it is causing you. No one call tell you what to do. You know these people best, but when push comes to shove, you have to do what you have to do to protect your interests. Everything else should be secondary to your own family's best interests and well being.

I don't believe you should tolerate your family's growing interference just because they are family and your child needs to know her relatives. Some relatives are better off being kept at a distance. I would suggest that you keep your interaction with them to a bare minimum, not sharing personal info with them (such as job and paycheck details that provide your MIL with ammunition to use against you) and staying out of their personal fights with each other. Since your parents don't back you up and since you know that they are more than willing to wave white flags with your in-laws even after bitter misunderstandings, you should let them all sort it out between themselves. These are grown people - adults and grandparents at that - who should be able to handle their own affairs. Keep out of their relationship / problems / fights with each other and continue staying out of it. Do not jeopardize your own peace of mind by fighting their battles for either of them as it not only gets you nowhere but, in fact, worsens your own position among these people.

The more you allow someone to interfere in your life, the more they will do so. Since soft words requesting them to stay out of your business have had no effect, it is time to take a firmer stand. If that means downsizing your communication with them to the barest minimum or to none at all, then so be it. I am actually surprised at how much importance you give these people considering how far away they live. I can understand if they were living with or near you. But they are successfully yanking your chain from thousands of miles away to the extent that you are worried about ruining your life, career and family because of them!!!!

Cutting communication to the barest MINIMUM with people living such long distance away should be a piece of cake! Talk less with them - maybe once a month or so. Enlist your husband's health in avoiding your in-laws. Be very assertive in dealing with your own parents. Caller id is your best friend, so use it to screen calls before taking them. It's OK to allow your answering machine to deal with trouble makers from time to time.

If and when you DO talk to them, do not permit any of them to hijack communication into dangerous territories. For example, if your MIL starts complaining about your mother, let it be clear that you do not wish to continue the conversation. And don't worry about ending up lonely and/or depressed without your family of origin or your in-laws. You will always have your husband, your precious child and your friends at the end of the day. Treasure these and do not waste your time or thoughts thinking about those who make trouble for you and who don't care much for your own welfare. Focus especially on your child. As someone else said, they grow up really fast and you need to be there 100% for her in the early days. Anyone or anything who detracts you from giving your all to her should have no importance in your life, time or thoughts.

 

if nobody supports you then why do you go to India alone?don't even think of going to India alone and live in your in laws house without your husband again.okay?concentrate on yout life here and as far as parents are concern....don't think bad about them....bacause if they interfere things can be worst.your in laws even your husband wil think that they teach you if you say anything to your in laws for their behaviour.They(parents) can not do anything now because you are married...your in laws won't allow you to go their home...your father and mother are very mature and worried about you..thats why they do not say anything ..they know you even better than you know yourself.
this is just Indian daughter's parents thinking not to speak bad to daughter about their in laws or say anything which can create tension in daughter's house...even if they know things are going bad.just trust your parents...your mother came for your pregnancy...its not easy for older people to leave their house for so many days and your father was living alone and managing everything alone back in India.i am worried about my husband if i leave him alone even for 1 week.
So this is a sacrifice on their part.
don'r care too much about your in-laws...they behave so bad with you...don't you think you are giving them over importance thinking about them all the time and boiling your blood.Do they worth it?no..so just don't care about what they say..because obviously they are not your well wishers...why to expect anything from people and give any space in your life if they are not your well wishers...Just perform your duty towards them but don't expect anything from them.

 

It is great that your husband is understanding and both of you share a strong bond !!!!! He is the single most important person in your marriage. Just focus on your husband and your baby. Your in-laws and your parents are soo far away across the seas. Don't let them take away your happiness in life so easily.

Lot of MILS feel insecure and try to create rifts. Agreed your in-laws are obnoxious. Now what can you do about it? Accept their behavior rather than trying to think all that time why they did this and that. Maintain a distance from them and try to avoid much contact with them.

You just said that your dad was on his death bed. During that time probably your mom was looking for support and so she was not able to give you the much needed support. I think your parents are just trying to be cordial to your in-laws.

Consider it a big blessing in disguise that they did not come for your delivery. If you find them so hard to deal with when they are so far away how do you think you would have been able to manage them when you are just recovering from delivery with a new born to take care of 24X7.

See you cannot expect your in-laws to behave like your parents. I know its nice to have perfect equality in all marriages. But thats not the reality. Lower your expectations. Try to control your attitude towards their behavior instead of questioning their actions all the time.

If you feel you are not able to handle them anymore back off for sometime. Maintain a distance. Don't talk to them much. Focus on your husband and your daughter. They are the most important people in your marriage. Not all the uncles, aunts, grandmas and grandpas.

Now why do you want your parents to be negative towards your in-laws. This is going to make things worse for you. Again you say that your husband has been very good to you. He is the person you will be interacting on a daily basis and he is the one who matters the most.

Your marriage :idontgetit: Do you mean your BIL's marriage?

Nope things are not out of control. You are making a mountain out of a molehill. Your husband is good to you. Your in-laws and parents live away from you. You are becoming your own enemy. Distance yourself from your parents and your in-laws for sometime. Gradually you will get over this negativity. Good luck.

Thanks,
Kavya.

 

If I may not be mistaken your parents are doing what probably all parents do.Whatever we do or say to our in laws , our parents still be nice to our in laws so as to not create more problems for us. Bear in mind they are in a awkward situation as if they support you ,they feel they might be creating problems for us,if they dont , they are only reducing a situation which can escalate to anything disastrous our in laws can think of.

My parents are almost in similar situation.My in laws blame everything I do to them. Upto a point my mom does defend me but now its like she just lets it go. Becoz its always a fresh accusation which is always she is acting immature and ruining our son's life.Pardon me for ensuring their darling son acheives something in life instead of weekly drinking and partying out with his family.Once my parents defended me ,twice too but everytime they meet if its the same they are just tired of doing it and be nice when they meet . That is it.
We shud always give our parents benefit of the doubt. They will be in contact with our in laws quite a lot. I dont expect my parents to keep defending me.Becoz I do know my in laws and how they never let go of your daughter is at fault for everything. I know what I am.
Dont you think your in laws can also do much damages by their talk to our parents.

 

Thats excellent. Good luck my friend.

Kavya