My father-in-law testing our patience

roopa_suri · Nov 13, 2008

Hi Ilites,

Pls don think that I come here for only sharing my problems but pls try to understand. If I post my problem over here and get some support may be the person only experiences the feeling of being secured and ya I am right. And here goes my problem again............................

2 days back it was our son's Bday (5th) so as he's been growing up he will enjoy his party outside (till now v just celebrated his bday in our house itself). So we planned at a restaurant near our house and only our family members will be invited .
All these things my husband told to his dad well in advance but he gave a deaf ear and kept mum (actually my fil has lot of issues with us when v planned our son's 1st bday grandly he said no and we had to listen) so now v were worried whether he would say no but by god's grace he kept quiet so v thought he had no problem so we confirmed at the hotel and gave the invitation to all. But on the bday evng he started a big drama . He said u people cary on I will come later so v said o.k but to our surprise he dint turn up till 10 and v were all just waiting for him to come so that the cake cutting can be done and guests could start dining. When v called him he dint lift the phone and my sil told my husband to go home and get him by convincing him. so my Bil and DH went home to get him but he was taking all past issues about marrying me, and that my husb dint invite him itseems and he's been called as an outsider and we told him after v have confirmed everything. All this was not at all true and my husb still apologised him and said ok if I have made a mistake I'm sory but now u pls attend the party because v all need u as head of the family and after all pleading he agreed,

When he came to the restaurant drama part 2 started. He was not coming to the banquet hall, he was going to the washroom and staying there itself. My husb called him so many times bcause its already late 11'0 clok and still the cake cutting is incomplete. He was not at all coming and said u cary on I am ok here. So we completed the cutting process and when my hby handled the cake piece to him he just throwed it down. Again my mil asked me to give it so when I went there he did the same, I couldnt stop crying there and started crying off there itself. Everybody started dinner and when v requested him to take dinner he was saying no, and when we tried to ask him second time he was telling take care of ur inlaws why are u at the back of me and all nonsense he was shouting there. So I called my husband and said ok now its high time we will leave him and loook after the guests. Afte some time again he was shouting that I want to go home so I am going and while going also he was abusing me and my son.

Now frnds, u tell me if u were in my position what u would do with such a person? Actually I thought it was my husbands fault to get him to the venue because he was so reluctant to come here so why dint he leave him (then again after all he was his FATHER so even he will feel nice if he attended the party). But wasnt that my husbands responsibilty to ask his father to leave if he came her for shouting or abusing others? But my DH dint do this and I was so unhappy with this because since last month we were planning that oh on that day we would do this we would do that and finally it ended up in my crying and my husband in pleading that stupid person (I am sory for using such words for my fil but I think he deserved this after his behaviour). But frnds pls tell me even if my thinking is wrong and I should have done something else on that day

Suvarna · Nov 13, 2008

Hi ,

I am giving just a thought of mine, not so experienced in all these but would definitely like to put up these sentences. May be try ignoring for some days, I mean to say may be less of talking will do and later on I think he will come up to you people (not definitely for peace talk) for argument at least, that time u can clearly speak about your views about his behavior and even give him a chance to clarify about himself. I think it would be a ice breaking session for the argument .I am saying this because it’s better to have a argument at home rather than drama in front of all.

Regards,
Suvarna

CarpeDiem · Nov 13, 2008

Hi Roopa,

I had read your earlier post and responded to it as well. Now after reading this post, I am 100% convinced that you and your husband made a great decision to stay separately. However, even if you stay separately, at social events like these, you both still would need to deal with your FIL.

What he did was not only wrong but very hurtful. See - I don't think it is your husband's fault. He just did what any son would do in his place. Things would have gotten even worse if he had shouted at your FIL and asked him to leave. So no sense in placing the blame on your husband.

I guess you need to find out why your FIL is behaving the way he does? Does he hold you responsible for wanting to move out of the house and is he unhappy with that decision? or did he expect you and your husband to sit and make the birthday plans with him? Because of his controlling nature, I think he is finding it very difficult to not be able to control things when it comes to you and your hubby. He needs to realize that his son has grown up and he need not spoon-feed and control him anymore.

I know how crushed you must be feeling, especially when you had such grandiose plans for your son's b'day. But sometimes, how much ever we plan things, such events come uncalled for. Hopefully your son was not involved in this drama and enjoyed the party.

NidhiJain · Nov 14, 2008

Hey Roopa.....i read your previous post also after reading this...I mean its so scaring.Better you keep away from all this non sense....dont even justify yourself in front of anyone....keep concentrating on your life and kids and don't involve in anything what they say and how they behave.Its better to behave selfish sometimes.Even if your FIL have some real issues with you or he had some genuine problem...it does not mean he wll spoil your evening and make scene in front of guests and make you feel embarassed.None of your well wisher would ever do that.Don't mind but after reading both of your posts...i think your FIL have mental problem just like your BIL even more than that and he needs medical help..But you just do whatever you want to...keep yourself busy and don't waste time thinking about this and don't feel guilty about it.Its not your fault if he has so much high expectations.
People are supposed to change with time and circumstances...and people does....i did....and those who choose not to and who are selfish enough to change the world for them but they don't want to change themselves and their thinking..they suffer...you can not do anything about it..its their own choice to stay selfish.If he would have cared about this relationship he would have done some efforts...at least would have tried to control his anger and not to spoil the relationship.
Still i feel its not just ego.....he needs medical help about his behaviour.

harisur · Nov 14, 2008

Roopa,
Everybody has been writing about their relationship with their MIL and this about FIL is so dear to my heart too that I feel a kinship towards you. My FIL is so much like yours. He has such a short temper that everybody is scared to talk to him. Initially when I joined their family I saw his anger for the first time and was so shocked that I couldn't believe my own eyes. I come from a family where my dad never used to even raise his voice to my mom. They loved each other so much that I thought all families were like them only. All my uncles and aunts and everybody related to my family never raise their voices to their spouses.
All I can say is try to ignore his temper tantrums and as far as possible don't deal with him directly. If you have a good relationship with your MIL that is more important. Whatever he needs to know let it go thru your MIL or husband. Living away from him on a daily basis is definitely good for your peace of mind.

Riya007 · Nov 14, 2008

Hi Roopa,

Really sorry to hear the day youll had been planning for so long took such a turn!

Even if your hubby might have been upset, I still think he could not have asked his dad to leave because that is what he is...his dad. Any son would have behaved that way.

I have read your earlier posts and like what all have suggested, I also feel that you stay away from him.

Sending lots of hugs your way ((((((hugs)))))))

Love, Riya

wisha · Nov 14, 2008

Hi Roopa,

roopa_suri said: ↑

Hi Ilites,

Now frnds, u tell me if u were in my position what u would do with such a person? Actually I thought it was my husbands fault to get him to the venue because he was so reluctant to come here so why dint he leave him (then again after all he was his FATHER so even he will feel nice if he attended the party). But wasnt that my husbands responsibilty to ask his father to leave if he came her for shouting or abusing others? But my DH dint do this and I was so unhappy with this because since last month we were planning that oh on that day we would do this we would do that and finally it ended up in my crying and my husband in pleading that stupid person (I am sory for using such words for my fil but I think he deserved this after his behaviour). But frnds pls tell me even if my thinking is wrong and I should have done something else on that day
Click to expand...

My MIL and FIl both used to get angry very easily..even once i experienced chain of scolding once they came to my place.But after that also i behaved normally to them..there are two reasons behind that:
1. my hubby cant be happy if his parents wont.
2. I dont want to stretch my DH between my PILs and me.
so, i started thinking what actually the problem was..in my case the problem was i considered them as my parents and became really comfortable with them.But here family culture is different.even i was DIL not the daughter.so, i have started thinking what should i do.following points i found:
1.i started talking less and listening more.
2.i've stopped giving suggestion in the matters in which i am not involved.
3.i've started doing works of family like a responsible DIL.it keeps me busy and i get less time to think or listen..
last but most important,
4.I just stopped arguing with my DH in front of them..however difference i've ..i used to keep that for our personal moment..
Result is..My good relation with DH.. Although my PILs dont praise me but atleast they dont curse me or say bad to me..i want to suggest few things to you on the basis of my experience:
1.talk less but it doesnt seem like ignoring ... so listen him what he says.
2.dont get involve in between ur dh and his dad. its their relation let them handle this.
3.i admire you are a good DIL as you obeyed your MIL and went to your FIL with cake..be good as you are later or sooner you must get GOOD.
4.dont get angry on your DH for pleading his father.after all he is his father.He is a good son you should feel proud of him .
5. In old age a person specially males become kid. They want more attention.i deadly feel you FIL did all this to get attention or show he is most important.As old age people care alot about spending a single penny.he might have seen financial problems.or Like so many other people(without any discrimination of caste,creed or age) he believes these party and all is simple show off.He may not able to understand your emotion behind this celebration.so, you may think..that is his thinking,what can you do with that?
or he shouldnt think like that..!!!!
but the solution is you've to make him understand your point. for that if you argue ,talk or explain..it wont hep.. dont you know "action speaks more than word" implement it!!!!
You've to involve him in small or big every family matter. if you dont feel comfortable afet all this party drama..take help of Kid or DH.but its always better that ignoring all obstacles...you will take the initiative..in any small plan or big must take his suggestion.even if he is not interested..ask about his idea.. He may get angry and respond "do whatever you want or something more harsh.."dont loose patience and ask i'm not getting idea how to do this.. i need your help.. it will satisy him probably..once he will involve in everything..he will involve with you and your life..like you people can discuss the party menu with him.. he may react that time but later he must get involved.
i dont know your FIL but i feel this should help him..as changing time a person who is head of family...everything used to be done according to his choice for several years becomes old and knowingly unknowingly becomes secondary.. it hurts him..for seeking attention or his old glory he used to react alot.. its our duty to be calm and deal with that.
i know its tough ...but i tried it..
i hope you will also get love from whole family(including your childish FIL)

with a wish,
wish-@

roopa_suri · Nov 14, 2008

Thank you frnds for the lovely responses.,

Suvarna, actually he stopped talking to me and my DH long back itself., but still we go and talk to him each and everything and inspite of this he speaks nothing., like if I go and say "Dad, See your grandson got good result in his examination (showing the report) but still he wont bother to look at it, nor he listens to what we are speaking., infact at that time he would call my co-sis's sons and show love towards them., So chances of his coming to us are nil almost.,

Carpedium, thank you again for your support.
The actual problem with my fil is he wants everybody each and every person and every single situation under his control. And moreover he has some strong believes that kids get spoiled by giving them more care and love (he even asks us not to buy toys or gifts for our son) my son is hyperactive and he mistakes as mischeif of my son (he is just turned 5), and u can understand how a 5yr old behaves., he cant understand the hatred of his grandpa and goes to him normally but he wont take him in his arms instead he will say see brother is so well behaved and u r not like him and he says this to each and every friend of his (that my last grand son is being spoiled by his own parents, ) but infact my son is the topper in his class, he got an award in his school " bright student of the year", and in each and every competion he participates he wins, (not that I am boasting but this is all very much true) but still he finds all faults in my son, seeing this even my DH asked me not to send our son to him.,
Now if he has some strong beleif about something, and if we do a little bit against him, he get so furious on us he wont even mind shouting then and there itself, he wont come to repair the house if it has some problem (he says there is no need u can use it like that because its his house even we have nothing to say) he want all my DH's sal to be given to him and he says I will invest them wisely (as if my husb is a kid and doesnt even know) he built a house to my BIL but didnt even turn up for our house ( which my husb bought all by himself without asking a penny from my fil) function Gruhapravesam. We all dint take those things to our heart we thought its his wish to attend or not but this time we thought it was even his grandson's party so he has every right to attend. You tell me Carpedium, how much we try to compromise with him he will never ever get satisfied and still has some faults with us, see ing all these things my DH doesnt even talk to him , he just talks to his mom and thats all he only handovers money to my fil .

Hey Nidhi, even my husb feels the same he needs some psychiatric help may be its true.

Hi Harisur,

we have to stay here for more 6mons so that my sons education will not be disturbed so as soon as he completes his acaedamic yr we are planning to move off.

Ya Riya, even I felt the same how much he insulted me and his own son, my DH is not that type to get angry on him and asked him to leave may be at that moment due to depression I felt like that but now when I think I feel its not the right thing because if we did like that then we cant be on the right side with our heads up because how much fault my fil has more than that we would be having it on our side for insulting an elder.

Hi Wisha,

I tried each and every thing u mentioned (infact still trying because I feel its better trying to ur best than to give up because in the future we shouldnt feel guilty and think thaat I should have tried this and made the things set right), and u know I never argue with my DH about all these things because being a DIL I feel so isolated for not getting enough love and care from him, and I can understand being a son and not getting his dads love is more upsetting, so I never and never argue with my husb regarding this and I think this made my husband love me more.

And I even understand in old age elders must be treated like our kids, so I asked my DH in the morning itself to sit and talk to him but he not yet all ready for that may be he needs some time.

Anyhow thank you one and all for the lovely support u gave me I feel as if I am with my own sisters and parents the way u show affection towards me. thank you so much.

Last but not least, I just pray god to make relations better between us.