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Narrow Minded IN Law and need to broaden your horizons

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sonalie, May 31, 2008.

  1. dallascw

    dallascw Senior IL'ite

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    Oh sonanlie you watch soo many hindi soap opera.. the good bahu is the obedient goat and the bad bahu is the evil heavy make up ,educated, smart, rich, girl. 99 % of DILs come from respectable family are well educated for all the right reason, expect to be married into respectable and sensible families. They do not come in to a relationship wanting to hate a MIL... If a person can make u feel uncomfortable enough to start worrying about their arrival 6 months prior I am sure there are valid reasons for it.. and not simply because she is a "MIL" .
    Here is the deal.. or actually a request to all those IL out there ..if you are deeply religious and traditional please wear a sign at the girl meeting ceremony so that we can be warned. It is very hard to judge that after initially meeting your progressive, beer drunking, open minded , flirtatious and handsome son. If you IL do not plan on cutting the umbilical cord to your son do let us DIL know.
    The only fault of DIL I believe is that they have too high expectations when they get married ... they would need to lower it to a realistic level.
    Great thread.. makes me want to plan as to what I need to prepare for when my MIL gets here in 2 months time
    1) I will wear the clothes I like to wear and will not be upset if she passes a rude comment about it
    2) I will put up with her stories of all the other "nice" girls my husband were introduced to by MIL that just did not work out.
    3) I will promise not to seethe in anger as she passes subtle insulting comments about my parents.
    4) I will believe her when she says that she watches only the discovery channel even though I just spotted her enjoy the Jerry Springer show
    5) I will smile and agree with her when she says that my house and housekeeping style is inferior to all the other girls she knows.
    Wow I have so much to look forward to. My saving grace is that she cooks real well so I think I will put up with all of this.
     
  2. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    Sarcasam at its best :rotfl
     
  3. sonalie

    sonalie Junior IL'ite

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    good sister, you opened up a nice stream of thought...

    i neither watch jerry springer nor soapie dopie....satc may be...

    no mil, sil has got any notion of a good bahu or bad bahu anymore.....they accept the reality of today....
    if you are still with your husband and okie with your ils...you are good.....
    if you are separated from your husband and not all okie with your ils....you are good but not for them...thats is simple a reality as it comes....

    dil can hate mil, sil as much as you want...just keep your hatred in your brain...be as courteous as you would be to strangers.....thats all they expect.....

    coming to your stereotyping about good bahu and evil bahu, in reality infact poor, non educated, non made up girls are more evil in the today scenario than the heavy made up , educated and smart types....but again there is no stereotyping...

    but education and good reading, grooming does bring a sophistication, confidence and less vindication in a persons heart...thats the GOOD BOOK OF LIFE SAYS


    enjoy the food and enjoy life with spices of your MIL comments about your dress and other superior girls....afterall dinner doesnt come free and she is not gonna with you whole year....cheers....




     
  4. kinnu

    kinnu New IL'ite

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    Hi, every one I agree with sashie ,though i have been married for 20years & hav been takin care of my inlaws like my parents,still they criticise me in front of my sil.
     
  5. sonu1973

    sonu1973 New IL'ite

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    Hi

    Its true that as DIL's we have expectations when we get married same as our INLAWS have...Its also true that the DIL's have to do 99% of the adjusting...
    We cannot suggest anything to our inlaws as if we do then they think we are trying to make our rules but even if we do try to do it their way they still moan so we cannot win...

    i have been bad mouthed by my inlaws since day 1 and have confronted them but all that takes place is lies....my husband went and spoke to them too to try and solve the issues but they just kept quiet...when they talk about us its fine but when we have something to say we are going against them...

    When we go to their house and they behave badly to us or ignore us thats normal behave us but if we do the same then we dont respect them...

    Im sure that no DIL is taught by their family to disrespect their inlaws or behave badly to them but their is only so much a dil can take before she will start stepping back to and keeping her distance....you have to be someone like PARVATI OR TULSI from these seriels to put up with all the rubbish they dish out...

    I do believe that they go on a about getting their sons married but they dont want to let go of them so why get them married...they believe their sons are the interest so what they have put into them in bringing them up they want to gain that back...

    Im not against a son having a responsibility but the son also has a life aswell and his on family...if mil and fil behaved like inlaws then who would be so stupid not to involve them in anything

    Mine to complain that no one invites them on my side but when u do get invited u sit there with faces like a watermelon so why should i introduce them...The more they know the more they try to use it against u...

    We are also someone elses daughters who have left our homes to gain another set of parents but they dont behave like inlaws let alone parents...

    Its true that when our parents say something we take it better but yes im speaking for myself that when my mother does wrong i have that relation with her to fone her and tell her off for being wrong and she can accept that...i also have a bhabhi and in all houses their are bound to be issues but i dont wind my mum up and have my 2 pence worth in i tell her off is she mistreats her as i beleive in dont treat another persons daughter badly as she has left everything just llike i have...

    But my mother understands and has amended her ways yes it took time but she realised...but there are some mil that dont think and change...

    My husband rasied a point to my mil that when my wife has been pregnant twice why have u not foned her to ask her health etc...and she said well its her duty to call me...So u guys tell me then what is their duty as inlaws just to talk bad and criticise...

    I know one day i will to be a mil but i will be damned if i turn out like my mil...

    the way to have a mil and dil relationship is to communicate with each other not to dictate and thats what these mil want to do...they say jump and we say how high....the minute we say no oh my god thats it...

    When the dh speaks up befroe marriage its ok but the minute he gets married and does the same then he is under the thumb....Get a grip...

    It would be a great world if all mil and dil would be able to get on but i dont think this will every happen in our generation..we just have to make sure that we dont turn out like them...

    :thumbsup

    love Sonu
     
  6. NidhiJain

    NidhiJain New IL'ite

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    Every girl when married leave her family and is sensitive....looking for love and support in her new family.She is not even half the age of her in laws and have not seen even the half of world and people.But in laws are mature.They behave even more childish than a 12th grade kid.They feel insecure and not leave any oppurtinity to hurt their DILs.
    its correct if our parents scolds us we just forget it. and don't feel bad...but its not in the case of in-laws.but she is new in their family...first create that kind of bonding,trust and space in her heart for yourself then say anything bad to her.It doesn't mean if they are elder they have got every right on earth to take freedom of dils.they should better behave themselves then complain.If they start complaining and scolding her from the day 1 and keep their expectations high from day 1 ....what will happen...obviously she will hate them forever no matter afterwards how much they love her.At least they should play mature..they need to handle their DIL with love.She is new in their house ...they should understand this...But they complain everything happened during marriage to her..if they don't like any gift given by her mother...they will pass comments on her....If some relative of her did not behave right then they will tell her.If you give negativity from day 1 you will get negative in return.Even if they are wrong but will she start hate her own parents and relatives...so what is the point saying all this to DIL.
    you know what their thinking is ....no matter what they are doing to her that is true because they are boy's parents....this is the responsibility of girl to keep quiet and not say anything.
    They don't even care that even DIL can have her own life and some privacy.DILs and their parents also need respect just like they do.

    All the rituals after marriage are one sided.It all the responsibility of girls parents to call them on every occasion and go their house with lots of expensive gifts etc.They would never call them because of their ego.They will never do anything for girl's parents inreturn except passing negative comments to her that your mother did not bring this..did not bring that...oh my God this colour i don't like...ohh this is so gawaar and old fashion..i don't wear this...
    If girls parents don't do this then also they will almost kill their DIl saying her parents have no respect for them.
    Even if girl spend some money on her parents and buy gifts for them they feel bad and pass comments on DIL.So why DILs would care for them?Should they?

    I think if they leave their ego of being boy's parents and leave this thinking of taking advantage of being boy's parents they will get respect and they will be able to give love to their DILs.This thinking of unequality on the base of gender is killing our Indian society...They do everything to keep their ego revived.This is the reality of Indian society.Before marriage we never feel that we are girls..we are given equal oppurtinities but since the day we get married ...we understand the trauma of being a girl.more than that we sometimes wish if our parents had killed us before giving birth because it unbearable for us to see our parents get insulted in front of us and listen bad words about them after they spend all their money on us(our education and marriage) and shamelessness of people who are boy's parents.

    I am proud of myself that i am against this culture.I am a bad DIL.
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2008
  7. harisur

    harisur New IL'ite

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    Newly married girls don't come into their ILs house thinking ill of them. Its sometimes a slowly developed process. Some MILs expect the girl to know everything about the house and the people likes and dislikes as soon as she sets foot in the house. One instance in my house was, if you know what is called pathu, its when you don't touch one vessel of food after handling another before it. For example you don't touch the curd after serving rice etc. You have to wash your hand and then serve the curd. I din't have a clue what that was about as my mom din't follow all this and she hadn't taught me. My MIL was supremely shocked that I din't know anything and she used to get very annoyed when I made an error. This might sound trivial for some people but this a major point in my IL's family.
    My Co-sister, who joined the family after one year, knew every thing before hand because she had her grandma staying with her and had taught her. My MIL pointed this out to me and said my mom had hadn't taught me anything.
    JUst like this there were a lot of instances. I get so fed up with her that nowadays I just shut my mouth and grit my teeth.
     
  8. rr99

    rr99 Senior IL'ite

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    Sonalie,
    I dont mean to be rude, But you sound just like one of those pathetic article published in mediocre mags like 'Women's era'
     
  9. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry for this delayed reply.

    Please do not say something to just prove DILS shud show more concern towards In laws how ever bad they are to her.You are only trying to show one side of the story.Dont you think same applies to in laws too..It all comes down to have you been in each of the troubled daughter in laws positions.I admit I am not the perfect daughter in law but I am also not the evil person which my in laws project me to be all the time.

    -How can you expect me to courteous to my in laws where all conversations begin with my son is under tension what did you do? Its all your fault becoz somebody told me you are short tempered(????)
    -How can you expect me to be courteous where all conversations start and come to conclusion I am at fault in all problems my husband and I have here.(job loss.money crunch, his car breaking down,visa issues). Even before their son explains the problem , the first thing they say is whatever the problem your wife is at fault.In these 6 yrs my ears have been drilled with these words I am at fault , my husband is having problems becoz of me, my parents havent brought me up properly,my husband being here and not in India with them.

    I most definitely do not bother to something petty as a dinner or a phone call to my in laws. Its not my concern and not my problem.
    Longevity of relationships shud be in a healthy way. Not just for the heck of it. We tolerating and in laws accusing forever does not ensure longevity of relationship.Its plain bullying.Longevity of relationships happens where both the parties are contributing equally conversation wise and helping the relationship grow.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2008

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