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Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by kavya007, Oct 26, 2008.

  1. mythilla

    mythilla New IL'ite

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    Hi Kavyaa

    You asked if seeking for professional counselor helps, the answer is YES. Especially in the US. Please check the yellow pages and interview the counselor just like you would interview a doctor. Also check with your insurance if they cover the costs.

    When you go to the counselor go prepared. You tell the counselor what you want resolved and also in advance tell him the maximum sessions you want. This will keep your counselor, your husband and you stay focused.

    I prefer a marriage counselor than speaking to a relative, because you will get a unbiased opinion and advise and also they will keep your secrets.

    PS: Churches also offer these services in a non-religious manner.
     
  2. ShrinkingViolet

    ShrinkingViolet New IL'ite

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    Kavya,
    I really don't know what to say to you - I don't think I'm that mature/experienced to guide you. But hang in there for the sake of your son. My prayers are with you. Hope you find peace & happiness.
     
  3. drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

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    Kavya,
    Mythili has a valid point about shopping for cousellors.
    I would start with your insurance company list, look for all the cousellors covered by them.
    Make a short list of people based on their age, choose some one that has atleast 20 years experience (don't get me wrong, I am not discrimnating them based on age :). This is my conclusion after extensive trial and errors for psychological couselling (specially marital). You need someone with with extensive experience.
    If you can, chose some one that works as family counsellor (most of them also work as custody evaluators, so they are very critical about how your relationship affects your child. Afterall, your reconciliation efforts are for the sake of your son right?).
    PM me if you need further help. Meanwhile, keep your cool.
    DRJP
     
  4. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am seeing if there any sources through which I can discreetly find some personal recommendations for a counselor. I tried counseling twice before - first it was individual counseling and then marital counseling. Both the times I went through my insurance company and decided on them after some preliminary interviewing. I felt like a sizzy going to a stranger and crying my heart out.

    The marital counselor we choose was totally useless. She was totally not fit for the job. She was not empathetic, practical or analytical. She did not have much knowledge about the cultural issues of Indian marriages and the social set up. All she did was discreetly watch the clock to make sure we did not take more than our allocated time of one hour to sob our story. Soaring spirit was way, way better than the two professional counselors I met :) Both the counselors I met urged me to start anti-depressants to treat my postpartum depression.

    I don't know if counseling is going to help us. I have been reading this book "Mars and Venus: Starting Over". Its a nice book. I like Dr John Gray's book. I practiced some of the exercises in the book and realized that I have built up a thought pattern of constantly dwelling on the negative incidents that happened over the past 2 years. Probably I need to consciously work on changing my thought patterns and learning to be more aware of myself.

    I spoke to my hubby and he is willing to cooperate and try anything to get past this. So thats a good sign. I feel I should quickly get back to my career. I am done with my break and so ready to focus my energies on something challenging. I think for the past 2 years I have been focusing only on my marital relationship. I need a timeout.

    Cheers,
    Kavya.


     
  5. tikka

    tikka Gold IL'ite

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    A good counsellor should make you feel welcome and not be a stranger.
    A couple of my friends who needed help said the same things. One friend said the counsellor asked her straght to go to a divorce lawyer because the counsellor did not know how to handle social issues specific to Indian marriages, with respect to In Laws. I thought her case was an exception, maybe I was wrong.
    Can you specifically look for someone from Asia/South Asia. I am happy that your husband is amenable to another attempt at reconciliation - whatever works for the two of you is more important than counselling and medicines. Another book I am reading now is Screamfree Parenting by Hal Edward Runkel (he also talks about focussing on yourself, healing yourself first.) DH seems to think it makes sense to him.
     
  6. mythilla

    mythilla New IL'ite

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    Hi Kaavya,

    You and I have a healthy disagreement on our views on marriage and separation, (based on the suggestions you have posted on my thread http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/39507-life-after-extra-marital-affair.html).

    However, I want to emphasize on the word healthy in 'healthy disagreement'. This is what you need to develop with your husband. Both of you should respect the love you have for your son and make your decisions based on that.

    If you feel you can't under any circumstance respect your husband or if he will not show you the basic respect you deserve, then staying married is unhealthy for your child. However, if you can give him space and not press buttons that bother him and he does the same with you, then you should give your marriage another try.

    For starters, make this rule, No screaming and fighting in front of your son. If either of you can't control your emotion, then leave the kid with the other parent and go out for a walk. Control that emotion until the end of day and once your kid is asleep, vent your feelings
    2. Do something as lovers with one another atleast once a week. Find a baby sitter or a friend to watch your kid and go out as friends not as a parent of a child.

    I was fortunate to find a good marriage counselor and the above the advise really helped.

    Again Kavyaa, please don't think I am judging you, I am just saying what worked for me.
     
  7. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Mythilla,

    I think you have mistaken me for somebody else. I have not posted a response on your thread. I was just thinking about you today morning.

    I understand what you are saying. We would also like to get to that point but we keep failing in our efforts. That is why I started giving separation a serious thought hoping it would give us the much needed timeout.

    I have tried to write some rules and put it up on the bathroom, share a document with my husband etc etc but nothing is working. I asked him why he cannot even respect a simple and important request that I am making. All I ask him is to try and avoid picking a fight with me if I tell him if I am sick. What he promises and what he does in reality never match. When I ask him what ticks you off he has no explanation. Both of us have had our own set of medical issues and I think the pain is still very raw.

    Thanks,
    Kavya.

     
  8. drchitraprabha

    drchitraprabha New IL'ite

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    Dear Kavya
    I just hope God gives you a lot of strength to fight your negative emotions.I just have one thing to say.We all keep forgiving our husbands for whatever bad they do, in return for promises,which i feel they just do to escape from that moment,and its very rare that the promises they make, comes out from the bottom of their heart and ultimately they even forget about their meaningless promises.May be you should stop making rules and just observe how your husband behaves without any of these rules or promises and if he continues to do so then you take the necessary steps.Basically when men feel cornered they just end up hurting the people they love the most,its their survival instinct .They do things which even they feel hard to believe later.May be you should not expect anything from your husband.He must also be under a lot of pressure to be a good husband cos he knows he has very little time and when someone is in pressure they crack.You dont have to be in a loveless marriage but if you had five wonderful years with him he should be given the benefit of doubt.
    It was really unfortunate that you had the worst part of your married life postpartum and so its hard for you to let go.We all have unforgettable moments in our marriage both good and bad but if we are in the right frame of mind we can cope with anything.We cannot change anything about your past though we wish it never happened that way, but believe me things will change and i support your decision of seeking medical help.I have a lot of things on my mind and dont know what to write.Next time if those thoughts haunt you just imagine of tranferring those thoughts to a paper and then tearing that paper into pieces and throwing that paper in the trash.Finally dear kavya you dont have to listen to anybody becos none of us have gone through what you have and everybody just wants one thing in life'And then they lived happily ever after'.Another thing its ok if we have arguments in front of our children,we are not great actors in real life but after a fight make sure you also show your kid how much you love each other.
    Hugs
    Chitra
     
  9. sashie

    sashie New IL'ite

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    Kanya, i hope that you and your hisb are trying towork things out....if thats what you want for yourself....I agree with you, it is very hard when you share personal things with your husb, and he brings them out later in a fight....i also do not share ANYTHING personal with mine anymore...kavya, pls take care of yourself,a nd your child.....big hugs

    sash
     
  10. tikka

    tikka Gold IL'ite

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    Kavyaa, I drew up a list of the books you'd suggested. Our local librarian got a brain freeze moment with the list, she stared at me like I'd lost a scre (well, I guess I technically can qualify for that :rotfl) Anyways, I picked up a book called the miracle of mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh...I've loved reading it. Just thought I will contribute to your list. HTH
     

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