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Calling all single moms in USA

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by kavya007, Oct 26, 2008.

  1. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Tikka,

    Wow we seem to be sailing in a the same boat !! I feel all that you are feeling except that in-laws and parents are completely out of the picture. But that also came at a very high price. My troubles started during my pregnancy and my allergies got aggravated big time. I had major eczema flare ups. Stress plays a huge, huge role in this.

    So many times I also wanted to pack my bags and leave. But I did not know where to go with my child. And now with no job I have more things to take care of first before leaving my house. I have no family around and my parents just tell me to forgive and forget all the time just because my husband (I don't want to say DH) is a great dad !!! Forgiveness does not seem so easy to achieve.

    But I will tell you what I did. Give health the highest priority. You need to be in good health to at least show a smiling face to your toddler. So I started my yoga, meditation and kriya program. It has improved my health big time. My allergies and eczema are at bay. My immunity power has also improved dramatically. I learned to stop leaning on husband all the time. So I started making more friends and building a support network.

    If you get a good counselor go for it. I would advice you against anti-depressants. Try everything else before resorting to it. If you need more info PM me.

    Thanks,
    Kavya.


     
  2. Traveller

    Traveller Gold IL'ite

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    Dear dear Kavya,

    I spent 45 minutes reading your thread and all the wonderful replies. I just wanted to send you positive vibes from here. From whatever little interaction we have had, I think you are a very strong person, very frank and open-hearted. you're always in my thoughts... hugs.. Latha
     
  3. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks traveller for your support.

    Coming back to my original post..I would like to gather information on how life is on the other side of fence. Single moms out there please answer my queries. The next time me and my husband get into an ugly fight I want to be mentally prepared to walk out with my head high. No calling friends, police, relatives or any other drama. I have sternly warned my husband also about the consequences and I hope we never cross the limits.

    Thanks,
    Kavya.
     
  4. drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

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    Kavya,
    Do you own a house?
    Please do not make any plans to move out. If a situation does arise, ask your husband to leave. If he does not listen/cooperate take the help of police.
    Why?
    - because you want keep things consistent for your two year old.
    - because it is more difficult for 2 people to move out.

    I know you want your DH to be 50% involved with him, honestly, from a kids perspective that is not convenient. If day does come (I sincerely hope your guy keeps his reigns under control ;)) where you have to separate, plan for regular visits rather than frequent overnight stays. Say the child can visit him every other weekend, and spend a few evenings during the week. Your child needs some consistency, that is extremely important at that young stage.

    Start separating your finances etc. Work on sharing child care time with a certain routine (this might be beneficial in many ways!!).

    More later,
     
  5. sihi

    sihi Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Kavya,

    I totally agree with drjp's advise of asking ur hubby to move out. That is surely a better idea,as kid at that age will be so much confused with whats happening and also they are at a stage where they do not understand much because they love both mom and dad equally.

    The second important factor when u move out might be facing people. They can be real pain sometimes...though some of them surely understand the situation but most of them usually try to poke their noses in your personal matters. Also when they ask ur kid "Where is ur dad?" etc questions like that...see to it, that the kid does not get confused nor those questions should lessen his confidence in anyway. On the long run, such incidents will make them less confident I feel.

    I too honestly hope you guys iron out things staying together.

    Takecare,
    Sihi
     
  6. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks drjp and Sihi for your advice. I know a bad marriage can seriously impact children for life. One of the ILites PMed me and mentioned that the only thing she remembers about her childhood is the nasty fights her parents had and she was really glad when her parents broke up because finally there was peace in her house. My heart went out to her. It triggered inside me a lot of the painful childhood memories I carried with me. I was not able to get myself to do anything for the past 2 days.

    My parents were completely dysfunctional. My dad used to say a lot of mean things to my mom. He is a total male chauvnist and my mom was very sensitive and emotional. Together they were a volatile combination and a lot mean words were exchanged. There was absolutely no physical violence but many times I felt my parents had a totally loveless marriage. That used to break my heart. When I heard many of my friends talk about the loving relationship that their parents have I would feel jealous and angry that my parents did what they did. When I was young my mom used to use me as her agony aunt. She told me all her painful stories. Sometimes I feel angry about why she choose to share those stories with me instead of sharing them with other adults. But the poor lady had no support from her own family. While my dad worked abroad she raised us up like a single parent. When I grew up I used to be called to mediate fights between them. It really made me feel very, very sad.

    When I got married to my husband he will like a dream come true. Though it was an arranged marriage he was too good to be true. I used to think that God married him to me to offset all the pain I saw in my childhood. Gradually I confided a lot of painful incidents that happened during my childhood and I used to feel that he is a very good friend. When I was pregnant I told him that I feel more comfortable with him than with my own mom. Little did I know that a disaster awaited me after my delivery.

    During the first month after my delivery we had a nasty fight. Seeing all the tension between me and my husband my mom asked my husband if she can take me to India till I get better. My husband got furious with that suggestion. He told her "you go and advice your daughter instead of advising me". And then right on her face he told her "Do you know all the mean things your daughter has told about you and your husband". That crushed me completely. It was like a kick in my stomach. I felt like a total fool for opening up to him and sharing so many sensitive things.

    There is nothing that I have shared with my husband that has not come back to haunt me. This started a vicious pattern of attack between us. In return out of vengeance I also started deliberately saying a lot of hurtful things to completely crush his male ego. They say an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind. How true !!! My son is going to get caught in the crossfire and feel the same way as I felt. I have decided to take immediate measures to make sure things do not go out of hand. I am going to start urgently seeking professional help. If I fail within a fixed period of time I am going to call it quits and move on with my life. Do any of you know how I can get good referrals for mental health professionals.

    To all those of you who are in bad marriages:
    1) If you have a child try everything you can to save the marriage and make it a loving relationship. But don't be in a rotten marriage thinking that you are going to give your child a great childhood.
    2) Don't have a child until you are dead, damn sure of spending the rest of your life with your partner in peace.

    Thanks,
    Kavya.
     
  7. lekhas

    lekhas New IL'ite

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    hi kavya,

    i read all the posts in the foruum . i am also in the same boat.
    we fight often and this is affecting our daughter. during fights he say so many things about me that i am not able to forget after that. he will say ok you can leave my house. then i say how can i leave the house without my daughter.

    i am also fed up with this marriage but don't know what to do?
    i think it is my fear of how i will live alone in this world is stopping me from walking out of this marriage. we are talking very less and no love left.

    kavya , hope that counselling will help you . if not be brave and follow your heart.


    lekha
     
  8. sihi

    sihi Senior IL'ite

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    Awwwww Kavya first of all a big hug to you dear.

    I can understand how u feel. You had believed ur hubby and he let you down when you needed him the most. I have gone thru same situations, except that I found his "color change" thing during my dad's death itself. After that I think 2-3 times before saying anything to him. And now after my kid's birth and all this, I say very very less to him, but confide in some close friends or IL forum. I guess that helps.

    Not sure abt professional counselling, because I never took one. But if you have some very very close friends, or brother or any cousin with whom you can talk and share your feelings, that helps a lot. Also first thing that worked for me to come out of that awful feeling was to cry it out. I cried in front of a family friend couple for more than 3 hrs, until my eyes got so swollen:) Luckily, the lady took my kiddo upstairs and played with her, because I always was worried about crying in front of my daughter, so I had all the feelings supressed inside myself. They infact asked me to come to their house just to cry and unburden my heart. I am so thankful and greatful for what they did to me, its not easy to sit and listen to someone cry in front of them for more than 3 hrs!! Because they must have gone thru some similar issues in their marriage too and they understand how it feels, for both hubby and wife and also to the kid involved. After that crying session, I felt so relaxed and releived that I could think about my next steps to handle the situation carefully and tactfully.

    I honestly feel, you guys need an immediate circuit breaker now, like a short time away from each other and not think about this for a little bit. Just staying in the same environment, going thru same exact things over and over again is totally stressing you both out I feel. Also causing stress to your kiddo indirectly with so much tension at house.

    Please make sure, that your soen does not get affected by all this yaar. Or else, he will feel the same way you felt when u were a kid. And that will make it tough for him with relationships in the long run.

    I can sense from your replies, that you both still love each other, the recent ugly events have just buried that love somewhere deep in your hearts. If your hubby is saying that he is ready to try counselling, that surely is a sign of his positive behaviour.

    Hugs to you dear,
    Sihi
     
  9. scorpiogal

    scorpiogal Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Kavyaa

    The burden of accomadating a child and sickness has take a toll on your marriage .Thats the main reason for your fights .

    U know the solution to your problem Forgive and Forget .

    I am scorpio and I never forget and I use to have lot vengence and use tp pick up fights with DH on all issues and he use tos ay I am a memeory dump :rotfl.

    I overcame that habbit withg mediatation . I am sure thats going to help u .IF your DH doesn't want to seperate tell him that you definetly need a break may be visiting India for short time should help you.Wheveevr a negative thought comes to your mind anout your DH just replace it with a some good memory like his first kiss or Hug .This takes a lot of practise but definetly works .:thumbsup

    I know a saying that mind is fleeter than wind but the same wind when passed throug a flute comes out as beautiful music .so please channel you thoughts to nice things and keep your body and min active like meeting for paly group with you child etc .

    Time and Patience will definetly take you to the lovable 5 years that you had in the past

    All the Best:coffee
     
  10. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Scorpiogal,

    I know the solution is to "Forget and forgive". But it does not seem to easy especially because the same thing happens again and again. Forgiveness does not seem to be a conscious decision at least for me. My husband also tells me that I have an extraordinary memory :)

    I have also started meditating everyday. Just curious what meditation do you practice. I practice Sahaj Samadhi meditation taught by Art of Living foundation. Going to India is not an option for me. I had some issues with my dad in my last India trip regarding my current family issues.

    Thanks,
    Kavya.

     

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