why is the relationship with in-laws always a matter of war?

Pardon me if i sound stupid, but I want to post a few line son this. I am putting only my practical thoughts and by no means am trying to project them as ideal implementation plans.

May be you stretch yourself a lil more in making them understand that you do love them - the moment they realize it, I am sure they would reciprocate it. Use your hubby in this operation to the max - after all it is his reponsibility to see to it that you love them and vice-versa. In many of the cases, though not all, this is an offshoot of a feeling of insecurity or possessiveness among the in laws.

I might sound even mroe stupid if I suggest this second approach .. "Tactically enslave the other party by being their slave" ... be their girl, and win their confidence ( if they are of the nature wherein they expect their DIL to be a slave) and after a few months, you would find them dependent on you even for smaller things - use your managerial abilities to win them!

Under the ideal conditions, yes, I agree that they should take the initiative in accommodating you ..But it didnt happen and you are at the receiving end - you will only be the loser if you stretch this issue too long .. so thnk tactfully and manage the issue ...

if everything else fails, then prepare to dump them and lead your life with yor rhusband the way you want!

 

Hi VAIDEHI,
i GUESS BOTH VAIDEHI'S ARE SAME.
i TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU WHAT YOU SAID IN THE FIRST POST.
AND THE SECOND POST'S SUGGESTION IS TRUE FOR SOME CASES ONLY.

BASICALLY THE PROBLEM WITH IN-LAWS IS POSSESSIVENESS AND ATTITUDE and THOUGHTPROCESS WHICH HADN'T CHANGED FOR YEARS.
THEY HAVE SOME EXPECTIONS THAT THE COMING DIL WILL NOT TAKE CARE OF THEM AND SEND THEM TI OLDAGE HOMES.THEIR MINDFRAME WILLBE SET LIKE THIS BECAUSE OF SOME OR THE OTHER NASTY INCIDENTS WITH IN THEIR CIRCLE OR FROM PAPERS OR MAYBE FROM SAASBAHU SERIALS.IF THEY WANT TO CHANE IT ALSO IT WILL TAKE AGES FOR THEM.HENCE IF DIL IS GOOD TOWARDS THEM ALSO MAKES THEM UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE OF THEIR PRE MINDSET.
BEFORE THE MARRIAGEOF HER SON ONE WOMAN LISTENS TO THE FAMILY FRIEND'S BAHU AND SUPPORTS HER EVENTHOUGH SHE IS WRONG IN SOME ASPECTS AND AFTER MARRIAGE THE SAME WOMAN SEES SOMANY FAULTS IN THE SAME BAHU.How funny???????


oNE MORE REASON COULD BE GENRATION GAP.IT CAN BE OVERCOME IN CASE OF SONS AND DAUGHTERS NOT IN CASE OF IN-LAWS.BECAUSE THEY DON'T LOVE LIKE THEIR SOND AND DAUGHTERS.THEY LIKE OR LOVE WHATEVER BECAUSE THEIR SON'S WANT US.

oNE THING IS SURE IN-LAWS HAVE SOME RESERVATIONS ABOUT THEIR DIL
BEFORE SEEING HER AND THEY CAN'T ACCEPT HER IF SHE HAS SLIGHTEST DIFFERENCE IN HER.


WIH LOVE TO ALL DILS

 

hi,i agree with you.i suppose its becoz of stereotypical image of daughter- in -law created thro the ages that is putting undue pressure on modern thinking woman.ours is a love marriage after a wonderfulcourt ship of 3 years,now so many problems occur as i am not able to live up to the image of perfect daughter-in-law.sometimes i think in vain,why i cant be only WIFE and not this perfect daughter-in-law everyone is expecting me to be?

 

Some of the steps i would like to give below:
1. be prepared for 100% compromise
2. make them understand that u have come to live with them and not to take away their son from them.
3. Be generous and be prepared to give everything that is needed by the family from u and yr husband.
4. Be cordial to the daughters of the family.
5. don't be possesive about your husband and child at least before them.
6. don't talk abt your parents and siblings unless otherwise asked.
7. don't show off your abilities and talents
we can write many points like that. But it needs lot of patience to follow all. Moreover everyone in today's world want to be independent and in-laws will never encourage. good Relationship with in-laws can be achieved only after many years of patience. It can also be called penance. With lot of maturity only we can achieve this.

Best regards, sujatha

 

Hello Madam.,
With due respect to what Sujtha mam said .I think she may be right .No offense but i think if we give in easily to everything that happens we are literally treated like a Doormat....I beg to differ in this .I think there needs to be a demarcation of being Nice and Yet Assertive.As they say work smart not hard...Its difficult to achieve....though!!!

 

i too wonder why this relationship in most cases falls on the 'hatred and non-correctable' side. Mine is an arranged marriage... among several girls (don't know the number exactly ) my in-laws selected ,they liked my family n me and kind of coaxed their son into accepting this proposal. But now these are the same people who don't like me. And I'm not exagerating! I was very much like what Suji madam said in the first year of my marriage... i never came in between son n mother, i always cancelled any visits to my relatives place if we had to oblige my sils but all i got was 'door mat treatment'. These days i've developed this no-care attitude and I firmly believe that they deserve this. I should say sorry to my mil if there's some argument despite it being her fault and I did all these pleasing acts for a year like a dumbo. Now I have come to feel that no matter what you do some people don't have the magnanimity to see the person within, that someone is trying hard to get to know her new relations and be happy in her new home. All they care about is their ego and their own happiness. There have been so many nights I have cried thinking about the way I'm treated but now I've learnt to brush it aside

 

You are right here. They will not give a damn how much or how little u do for the ILs. I have given up. Initially I used to keep quiet. Nowadays I dont. Even if you are nice to them, they wont say so and you dont have a choice of saying no. According to them, it is our duty to be submissive and a door-mat. Anything to the contrary , they will start pointing fingers at our "sanskar". If they are nice , we are very lucky and if they are not nice, they have a right to not-to-be-nice.

I have told my husband once in my frustration, that all the misery and unhappiness I am going through in marriage is because of his attitude, since he does not have the guts to stand up to their rude and offending behaviour. I know if he stands up to me , I will not be so hurt and upset and neither would I not want them to be around me.

I honestly feel that all wives are miserable because their husbands do not support them emotionally. If we were assured that our husbands respected us and valued our opinions esp, in front of in-laws, we could cope with them better.

 

I agree with traveller. Mine is arranged marriage. They praised my family and liked me so much. Everyone is so much loving toward my parents and me. I was so happy and used to give all the love and affection to my in-laws and bils and sils. After a while, they true colors came out. Always talks negative abt my parents and my brothers. These people so headstrong, whatever they do is right and my parents are always wrong. Sometimes I wonder why did I get marry. Whenever ils are here, I feel like quitting the marriage. You could see in my earlier posts I started writing about my ILs stay. But after ria's suggestion, I tried not to hate them, and be nice. I tried and tried but its no good. Now, I just stopped thinking about it. I don't write about it, because I don't give a damn how they treat me. I am not letting them effect me in anyway. I am just living my life, eventhough there is a cold war between me and my hubby. I just wait till they leave and hope for the better.

 

Hi friends,
DOORMAT is really a very good word to describe our position. I am happy(or sad) to have so much company!!

madhupkk.