it sems its over now

life_voyage · Oct 14, 2008

I feel so sorry for you cantate. Your reply tells us how much u have tried to bring him back?? And I don’t blame u for all the disappointment… As such I have never been in a situation like urs, so don’t have anything more to advice for the betterment of ur life. Ur hubby definitely needs to change and looks like it was a gradual but a big change in him.. you could probably try what ppl with the same problems have already tried. But I should really admit that this thread leaves me wondering, “What makes men change from such a caring person before marriage to a non- caring individual after marriage??”:idontgetit:. Point to be noted here is, that ur hubby cares for ur parents!!! so he’s in his senses and ignores u wontedly!!!

You feeling miserable these days is quiet obvious, but please don’t get stuck here. Sometimes not having many friends and not socializing with others would leave us expecting everything at home. And when we don’t get what we ought to have got also, then depression gets doubled. Please get out and make new friends!! Share ur woes with them. Plan a holiday trip, if ur hubby is not willing to come, take ur friends/mom /dad or even colleagues. You definitely need a change of place and space for private thinking.

One kind advice - dont plan for kids before u finish deciding on whether u really would like to go ahead with him or not.

amidst all this, what would ur hubby do when u tell him a joke, smile at him, wink at him, or when u say, “I love u”? just wondering!! :confused2:

cantate26 · Oct 14, 2008

Hi friends,
i'm overwhelmed with the support i'm getting from all of u. since i posted my first post and started getting reply i feel i'm not alone any more. yesterday was the first day at work when i did not think for a while about what my DH must be doing at this time and concentrated 100% on my work.
Dear Tan, whenever i try to share a joke, a news or anything which will make someone smile his response is blunt. i say i luv u he he says nothings just blank face. i try to sit besides him and he pretends as if he is very uncomfortable and tries to push me away.he ia the same person who used to pull my arm saying why i'm sitting in the other sofa i should sit besides him.
Dear N@!S! OMG same things i used to do for my DH. packing lunch for him, calling to remind him to take lunch ontime, maintaining his bank accounts to give him a relief, taking care of all his bits and bobs. going shopping and buying everything for him, asking him to not to overexert and relax for a day or two.
inetially when he started ignoring me i used to go out for shopping alone but he pointed it out that he doesn't like me spending money on myself. whenever i buy something and he sees me wearing that, he will comment with a very sarcastic smile on his face "no matter what u do i don't like u" way.
i used to sau i luv him he used to laugh at it but now a days he is blunt so i have stopped saying it.
i am not thinking of a family at this point because i belive that a child should be the result of mutual luv and desire not one sided. i would luv to have his child but only if we both r agreed to have a family. every child has a right to grow up in a luving and caring atmosphere. i don't see that perticular atmosphere in our home at the moment.
let me share a recent experience. it was our wedding anniversay and like every year we went for a photo session. just before the photos are shooted he took his wedding ring off and put in his pocket. i noticed it and couldn't help myself saying if u want to take it off i have no problem with that, he got annoyed and said he was just trying a new style. silly isn't it.
since before merriage he used to give me his first bite whenever we sat to eat. its been a year now he stopped doing it and when i asked he has got not answer.
i saw the peak of his luv, then it started fading to the point it diminished altogather but faith was still there. now when thats gone also, only thing i'm left with is to just live with him as two strangers under one roof and this is what i'm doing these days although its very hard to stop myself doing small things for him which i used to do in my routine but i have stopped doing it for his own sake. i want him to realise what he exectly wants in his life. let him figure out by himself.
luv to all
cantate.

rakshak · Oct 14, 2008

Hi Canate,
Normally I do not participate much here but I couldn't help myself today. Many ladies here have given you wonderful advice. I have nothing new to add. Just wanted to share with you that a friend of mine once recommended a book called "Surrendered Wife" which helped her to get better perspective. Give a try if u can find it in the library.Hope it will help you too.

Wishing you all the very best
Raksha

saraswatibhat · Oct 14, 2008

Hi Cantate,

Sorry for whatever happening in your life.You have and still trying to save ur marriage and I feel you lost yourself in these years.Try not to be too caring to your DH..leave him alone for some days...So tht he can understand ur importance..I feel since you care him so much....he doesn't understand wht u r for him....!!Anyways u have tried in all other ways....So let this be a silent fight..!!He couldn't understand you when u spoke to him when u expressed urself infrnt of him....try if he can undertand if u r silent atleast...I feel ignorance is the way to bring him back..So tht he will know how it feels when he does the same to you..

Take care,
Wish you all the happiness in life,
Saraswati

Drpreethis · Oct 14, 2008

Dear Can ,

As you said.. let us keep the proffession out of focus now.. I just could not stop myself from the comment I heard from a Doctor about the proffession. That is all. I can understand your dream as I had one too.. I wanted to become a Dentist. I know how it feels to fulfil a dream.. Just that way i do know when it is when unfulfilled. But for your comment on the proffession I reacted. That was just spontaneous. You ellaborated back to me and that was neat.. So I am here ellaborating my stand. That is all. Friends ??
Now the focus is on your life.. All I wanted to send to you has been bought. By saying get up and start gyming and do not sit at home and be idle , doctor, had you read between my lines... was to pull you off from this nutshell !! All you did these years was keeping your hubby the center of the world.. which many of us women do. But it neednt be that way is my opinion. He neednt be the center of everything you do.. he just needs to be a companion in all things you did !! He is just another human like you, Can !
" Do not give him importance more than you do to yourself " !
No .. It is uneccessary ! You have to live frst and let him live too.
You did not think about yourself at all.. Everythng you did.. you did for him to notice.. Cmon.. Can.. You are not wrong by doing things and expecting it out.. All I say was you went overboard and gave it all too much importance.. You just forgot that there was another person existing in that house.. YOU ! You even looked at yourself thru him !
I said your marriage was in haste.. I still stand by it. Dont you think marriage was a decision by two individuals.. You must have been a little more cautious when yo decided to go ahead with him and waited atleast till he settled.. Somewhere I see some lack of understanding in the relationship even during dating. You could have waited till he settled and if he still chose you over his parents you could have married him..
He was too young to become a husband is my opinion. We women can manage mariage even at our early 20s. But men " insist " to believe that marriage is a " big commitment that makes them lose all the fun in life " .. well, so do we !! Let us leave aside what they think.. It actually doesnt matter..
All of us are beautiful.. and who cares what others say ?? Isnt ? then why have you stopped doing thngs for yourself ' just because he doesnt look at you ' !!??!! No Can, we ought to live for ourselves.. not for anyone..
Do not give importance to anyone except you. Your friends cannot say opinions that your hubby has to change his attitude.. and you musnt have carried it home. Saying to him things you want is different from expecting him to change because your firends said so. Believe me, Can.. friends can only wipe your tears and support you.. they cannot pratically tag along with you forever. Somewhere the path splits.. Leave them where they are.. I dont say they are bad .. they could have been different in intentions but dont mix it up with family.
Parting ways in a marrige should be a last resort when everything you have done is in vain ! It is not a chore which you decide to not-do when you bugged. By saying give up.. in my previous post.. I meant your attempts to save it. If he doesnt talk, spank him in your words and do your talking. Never say the same thing and nag ( I assume you have stopped it now ) just say it clear and firmly once or twice and let go.
Get yourself back to shape ( You said you werent like this before ) Why have you given up on yourself now ?? Do everyhting you used to do befire he entered your life. You had a smile then isnt ??
Do not bother much about him and stop doing things for him for sometime. Start doing things for yourself. Once you are back to yourself you look at him straight and list out the trouble you facing with him and ask him for a solution. If he doesnt have one.. we could see what needs to done. But for now stop seeking attention from him .. He doesnt have to even look at you.
He removes the wedding ring.. do it yourself.. I know noticing things as such and keeping quite is real hard. But, Can it is not going to make any difference when you say something emotional to him either. Instead be a sarcastic person yourself. Look like you have the world's attitude and you a'int any less. Dont sit back and worry. Buck up and take the whip..

about the lady who messaged him.. See if you can find more about her. Walk into the hospital sometime and meet her annonymously ofcourse. Do not talk about her untill you have something concrete to show his interest in her. We could handle that woman accordingly.

Lastly.. do not pull yourself back and let go of hope which your parents nurtured you with just because an individual called husband shares your life with you !! Best Luck

cantate26 · Oct 15, 2008

OMG mg:mg:mg: where the hell i was heading to.
making him the centre of my world and spinning around him like a goof, waiting for him to utter a single word of inspiration, seeing myself through him, and all that crap i did for those long years. i know understand it looks nice in 60s films but not practically.
friends where were u all for so long i wish i would have joined this forum long time back and would have shared my story with u all, shouldn;t i have ended up in this mess.
so much inspiration and courage i got for all of u friends i really appriciate.
Drpreetis i dont have any hard feeling towards what u wrote in fact it helped me alot in facing the facts. i could read the messag u tried to convey through ur reply.
raksha i'll definately will try to get hold of this book u mentioned.
saraswati thanks a lot for ur advice and wishes.
Tan and all others who wrote to me or will write to me u r such a big support, i feel blessed. LUV U ALL.

my second day of LIVE FOR MYSELF life is going brilliant. he asked me today why i'm not wearing my wedding ring?Big Laughi just looked at him and replied " it was bothering me a bit"Harhar
first day yesterday was wonderfull. while at work i didn't think a wink about my DH and time flew by sooooooo quickly. i had a good sleep last night not wondering why he doesn;t luv me anymore.i didn't take a notice when he came back home and sat infront of Tv. i kept myself busy updating my wardrobe and talking to my friend making plans to visit her in london for few days.
i need to continue this life style for my own sake with the support of u all.
i need to think of some plans for tomorrow so i'm off now. will keep u all updated.
luv and take care.
cantate.

Ria2006 · Oct 15, 2008

Cantate

You sure sound happy and positive now. I like your approach and openness to hear all aspects of solution.

I think things will go fine from here on for you.

Best wishes
Ria

Oviya · Oct 15, 2008

Dear C,

Just now finished reading your post...

Will get back to you...

life_voyage · Oct 15, 2008

happy to see this cantate.. keep the spirit up!!!! :cool2:

vidhkarthik · Oct 15, 2008

Dear Cantate, Cldnt help responding to this thread. Am not here to give any suggestion as they hav already been aptly given by all the others. Am just here to note my observation.

I really like and appreciate the way you took preeti's comments even though they were a bit on the tough side. (no offence - dr.preeti - just an observation) You clarified what you wanted to say with humility and dignity instead of getting all psyched up or angry or defensive. The acknowledgement and open mindedness to accept ones faults and sometimes constructive criticsm from well wishers is an admirable trait. Am sure you will get over all your problems soon and have an amazing life ahead.