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Over Critical Parenting

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by prettywoman2, Mar 25, 2023.

  1. prettywoman2

    prettywoman2 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for the tips! I’ll try to have a conversation (again!) with my husband to come up with a strategy that has least amount of friction and gets a positive outcome. The thing is my husband is very stubborn and a my way or highway kind of guy. It takes enormous amount of energy and patience to reason with him and convince him. But I guess this is going
    to be my job for the next 4-5 years!
    I wish it was easier . Sometimes I feel like I need therapy to get rid of the stress this battle causes me.

     
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  2. prettywoman2

    prettywoman2 Bronze IL'ite

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    Great pointers again Viswamitra sir! I am making a mental note of some of the ideas you suggested. I generally do try to be there for her and listen to her without interruptions or judgement but can definitely improve!

     
  3. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    I am not in a position to advice what to do to your dh or change. i guess you can decide if that bridge is worth to cross. and the amount of wisdom other ILS have mentioned is awesome.

    All i can say, enjoy your time with your kid. after another few years they just have their own world and you miss. my 16 yr old is right now, does not want to deal anything with me but will be super happy to go and hang out with her friends. not that she hates or anything, it is just a phase.

    Also encourage your kid (this is from my dh, he tells to both kids). to have friends who are both not academically serious and Academically serious. The non serious ones knows how to enjoy life and the serious ones will keep her goals in track.

    also not trying to make you the good COP here, you can mention this to your Dh in your way. it is upto him to digest and modify his way.
     
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  4. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you for the tag @prettywoman2
    What a catch-22! It’s like damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

    If your earlier conversations haven’t worked at all, it’s time to think of other ways to get him to listen.

    Your DD is a pre-teen. Very soon will come the difficult ages 14-17 where it is very hard for the children and the parents. I think it’s time to strategize on some effective teen parenting techniques. One of the things to do is to have an open line of communication with her and from what you have said, that seems to be there already. Continue having that with her as you get into the age where she will need to talk to you.

    It’s also important for fathers to connect with their children. I have done a lot of background work for this. Booking tickets to hard to get matches or shows or a trip for the two of them is a good idea. Before going down this route, I suggest you tell him to only talk to her about non academic fun stuff and please don’t go on about the hardships you faced while you were a child. That’s not her problem and shouldn’t be. Kids can’t be grateful for having things that we worked hard to give her. Tell him to enjoy her as a child because the childhood is coming to an end. There is a time for disciple and being the strict parent and also time to enjoy the kid and let her be. Ask him to give her more of the second while they are out and about.

    I think you should also tell him what a tremendous job he is doing try to get her into a dream school. It’s important for him also to hear about what he’s doing right. Tell him something he’s doing well before asking to change one thing. Maybe you could say something to the effect of - Having a successful career and being busy and yet finding the time to teach her. Then you could probably say something like colleges in the US are probably not the same as india where you get good grades, pass an entrance test and make it in. They probably look at the full picture. Is the kid having a sustained interest outside of academics and how is she nurturing that. Maybe pinky also needs to pay attention to insert whatever she loves to do here. Tell him after this that he’s so smart, he could research a way to make her interest a part of her full picture. Start with a praise, add a creative change request/critique and end with a praise. Other than this, I don’t know how else to convey this to him. I feel like people like him do best when you feed their ego. Take this with a whole lot of salt though. I’ve not had to deal with this with my DH so it’s a little baffling for me.

    I also would like to point out to you that even the kids of the so called sticklers end up doing well. I know someone who pushed and prodded and made the child work day and night to get into this dream school. The child did pursue the field the parent pushed on her from the beginning. The child is doing well and seems to be a well adjusted adult, at least to me. The draw back is the connection to the parents or the lack thereof. I did notice that she seldom came home after leaving. Choosing a college very far from home and spending all vacations with friends families where she gets invited to or at internships far from home. Take this observation also with a pinch of salt. All moms will tell you this story where their child does something better and the neighbor’s kid doesn’t even care for the mother. I could just be extrapolating a lot. I do urge you to find some ways to relate tales like this to the DH though so he looks at forming a close bond with her before she flies the nest. This probably is the most important thing to do at this age. Parents often overlook it. Hope you are able to reach a middle ground soon!
     
  5. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    @Rihana, you are a a deep deep reservoir of knowledge on handling relations- not only parenting but relations across the entire spectrum. I can't thank the universe enough for IL and more for kind and genuine contributors like you who are always available for people like me. :)

    Oftentimes when I face any challenging situation where I have to handle people who don't exactly think like me or agree with me, I wonder what you would do in that situation. :) I will be honest here with you and say that most of the times my immature mind goes blank but occasionally I pass with flying colors. So thanks a million for sharing your valuable insight and thanks a gazillion for being there, for being you. :)
     
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  6. prettywoman2

    prettywoman2 Bronze IL'ite

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    @Laks09 Thanks for your inputs!
    As you said, I think one thing that I need to do more is appreciate him for his efforts. I get so caught up with his strict attitude with our daughter that I fail to see the goodness in all this. And I only intervene to criticize :flushed:... never to appreciate! let me try the sandwich approach.
    Thanks again!
     
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  7. prettywoman2

    prettywoman2 Bronze IL'ite

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    Totally agree with you @nayidulhan!

    @Rihana, I really appreciate the time you take to get into the posters' shoes and provide the most practical and sensible advice! Have you ever thought about counselling as a profession? :) . You will totally rock it!


     

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