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Over Critical Parenting

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by prettywoman2, Mar 25, 2023.

  1. prettywoman2

    prettywoman2 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies!

    I am here with a peculiar (or maybe not!) problem and would love to hear your opinions.

    My daughter is a 7th grader and is a straight A student. Apart from the average American pre-teen challenges that we've had with her, she is a sincere, obedient and happy child and takes her studies seriously.

    My husband is a loving father but he has very high expectations of her. He is a product of one of the most prestigious institutes in India and is a very successful professional and expects nothing less from our daughter. You would think what is the problem in that? The problem is that he gets overly critical of her and keeps comparing her to other kids constantly. That irks her a lot! And she gets into either a very stubborn mode or feels disheartened that he doesn't appreciate her enough.

    He teaches her additional math/science (apart from school curriculum) and expects her to follow up on her own with him on those things. She does the bare minimum and then gets distracted with school work/friends/TV/Social Media etc. so doesn't usually take the initiative to go to dad with questions/next steps etc. and waits for him to ask her.

    This is the biggest bone of contention! My husband thinks she is not serious about her studies/future hence takes things very lightly and gets mad at her. He is not very happy with her disinterest in taking initiatives towards studies. I think/hope she is just being an average pre-teen and will get serious about her future with age and maturity, which I assume should gradually happen by the time she is in high school!

    We both know that our daughter is very smart and she has also excelled academically so far. I believe in gentle parenting and have faith that she will figure everything out with time and guidance from us. But my husband thinks that we need to tighten the noose as far as studies are concerns if we want to send her to a good college.

    He thinks I should support him when he criticizes her and she thinks I should back her up when dad gets unreasonable! I have lost perspective on how to handle this. This constant battle creates a very unpleasant environment and I don't know what to do. Please provide your inputs/suggestions! Especially if you have older children and gone through this phase with them.
     
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  2. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @prettywoman2,

    It is extremely important to have a two-way communication with your daughter. It is not fair to expect her to keep following with the parents. She is still a child, it is the parents who needs to find out her passions, encourage her to perform well in those passions, and in the process encourage two way communication. First of all, it is important for both of you to sit down with her and listen before you communicate anything to her, leave alone expecting her to follow up on things.

    Setting any expectations based on what we believe as a standard is unreasonable. Your husband might have certain interest and your daughter may choose something else. Her credentials and academic performance proves otherwise. Some words of appreciation and encouragement takes your daughter a long way. The best way to encourage her is to find what she feels as a passion naturally and nurture her to develop it. Each one of them have come with their own agenda and they are born through the parents. When we as a parent never should compromise on values, expecting a child to be extraordinary in a space where one of the parents exceled is unreasonable.

    Create an environment of love and provide unlimited access to your daughter to reach her parents without any fear of being criticized. When one of the parents criticize her for not having a flair for something, he is encouraging her to withdraw her communication with that parent. We as a parent has a lot of responsibility towards the children in their spiritual, psychological, emotional and intellectual needs. Focusing on one aspect of academic brilliance is simply wrong.

    Kindly sit down with her and understand her thoughts and why she is not taking initiatives. Is it because your husband is too critical and her emotion reaction is too high or she is just not interested. She has not even reached the advancement placement courses as yet and her brain is under development at this stage. Moreover, when we emphasize so much on academic brilliance despite her performing well in the school, we are conveying a wrong message that only academic performance matters in life. What about life skills?

    You can have a discussion among the parents and decide 4-5 important things you can't compromise and find out through informal communication with your daughter what all are her interest? Unless you meet her expectations, you can't expect her to meet your expectations.
    A child still have emotions even though she is obedient and not reactive. What is stored inside affects the life in the long run. A combination of love and discipline are essential to balance her life.

    Kindly read the attached article written by me.

    Roles Of The Parents And The Teachers
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2023
  3. godsgp

    godsgp Silver IL'ite

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    I am replying as mother of high schoolers with high stats.
    Academic discipline is important.
    But every child has their own capacity for the rigor even if they have higher intelligence.They will always need the push but there own pace cannot be outdone.
    If the end goal of all pursuance is getting them into good college,the best you can do is shape your child and save tons of $$$.
    Nothing will work better.
    All the best!
     
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  4. prettywoman2

    prettywoman2 Bronze IL'ite

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    @Viswamitra Sir, @godsgp

    Thank you for your detailed response. A lot of good pointers here. I understand what you’ve said about unreasonable expectations but my husband doesn’t. I think his ideas about studies and academic excellence are dated and he pushes them on her in a very strict way. I’ve had many conversations about it with him but can’t seem to get through…. Sigh! And sometimes it creates a doubt in my mind too , that maybe I am enabling the lax attitude. I myself am an average achiever in his eyes even though that’s not the case (he says that all the time).
    Ultimately, I don’t want this tussle to affect my daughter in a negative way and want what’s best for her.

    I guess I am just looking for suggestions on how to guide a middle schooler in a healthy way when the other parent puts enormous pressure on them.

    Would love to hear from other senior members too, who have older kids! Tagging some people here but please share your inputs even if I haven’t tagged you. @Rihana @Laks09 @MalStrom

     
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for the tag, @prettywoman2. I was thinking of this thread yesterday on the way to picking up my child for spring break. I wish I could write a more organized response but I've learned that if I postpone responding, it won't happen. So, just a few unorganized thoughts below.
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Bringing up the father along with the child.

    In many desi households, the father has dated ideas about studies, academic excellence, and the pursuit of academic excellence. They will be extremely successful in their work and with colleagues, but when it comes to parenting, they will refuse to read any articles or listen to important do’s and don'ts. It becomes the mom’s job to keep educating the father about the child’s academics and the importance of being gentle in parenting, realistic in expectations. If or when the child has any behavioral issues, it is the same story. The mother has to handle the angry, clueless father along with managing the child and figuring out the latest strategy to try for the actual issue.

    One of my friend’s husbands kept berating their child for not making the best use of innate abilities, opportunities, parents’ affluence etc. The child finally one day shot back, “Then why with your degrees from <elite college names> you are only a VP? Why haven’t you started a company that got bought for millions?” The father almost hit the child and mom had to step in to end the shouting.

    Fathers who wouldn’t hesitate to pivot any time in a product’s life cycle at work, will dig in their heels with the child at home. They do not modify their approach and expect the child to behave differently just because they (the father) are right.

    The father will be oblivious to the impact all this is having on the child and the atmosphere at home. And, the mother gets caught in between.

    One friend's husband used to help their son with math in high school. The boy would have one question in Calculus. Father used to take up the child's entire evening explaining the problem and teaching it "properly" while the child had other homework to also complete. Father scolded the child for the previous problems, criticized the teacher's way of solving the problem, and made the one homework problem into a four hour project. The mother, my friend, when she helped the child, she would tell the child to do other homework while she (mother) read the problem, understood it, and composed a brief explanation of it for the child. In 30 mins that homework was done versus four shouting hours with the father.
     
  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    He teaches her additional math/science (apart from school curriculum) and expects her to follow up on her own with him on those things. She does the bare minimum and then gets distracted with school work/friends/TV/Social Media etc. so doesn't usually take the initiative to go to dad with questions/next steps etc. and waits for him to ask her.


    This is the biggest bone of contention! My husband thinks she is not serious about her studies/future hence takes things very lightly and gets mad at her. He is not very happy with her disinterest in taking initiatives towards studies
    . “

    Most mothers who find themselves in such a situation, where their expectation is not meeting the reality, will seek opinion, ideas and help from all possible sources. Men will just continue with the pointless tussles with the child.

    I am tempted to suggest that your husband should use some parenting rubric and do an honest self-evaluation. If parenting were a job, what would be his performance rating? But that is just wishful thinking and no tangible use. : ) It is amazing how the most loving of fathers can also be the most clueless.

    Instead of appreciating the child for doing the extra math/science, the father is expecting initiative from the child. Any initiative, motivation, etc in the child is competing with that smartphone in their hands.

    What to do then?

    1. Appreciate the child for the extra math/science she is doing. Tell her candidly that many children her age will simply refuse to do anything beyond getting A’s in school.

    2. Talk with her about the challenge of growing up in an Indian household in America. Acknowledge that it is tough to reason with Indian parents.

    3. Father has to work harder and smarter at channeling the child’s initiative. He has to spend hours each weekend googling this and reading up. When I did such research, I learned that my child needed tangible dates, goals, and structure. So, I found related activities, competitions, courses and experiences. Once in the activity, within its structure, it was easier for my child to demonstrate initiative. Even a talented child is not going to pursue knowledge or a craft simply for the joy of it.
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    1) When having conversations with him, don't try to change his way of thinking. Focus on how and what he says to the child. Agree with him about initiative etc etc. Important to agree. Then, calmly, patiently, with many deep breaths, tell him that we have to pick our battles. Tell him examples of children who rebelled in high school, college and beyond. This will be a conversation you will have with him many times in the next 5-6 years.

    2) This is my most tangible suggestion and we built it by chance, and with lots of trial and error, with our younger one:
    Parents ask themselves, would they like to be hassled at random times by boss at work nagging them about the quality of their work and lack of initiative? Is it nice if the boss brings up the topic at lunch, when passing you in the corridor, at the end of an unrelated meeting? A big fat NO.

    Similarly, it is not fair to the child to bring up the initiative etc topic unexpectedly. I used to walk in on my child playing video games and randomly scold him for incomplete chores or academic work. Long story short, we decided on twice a week meetings. Wednesday-after-dinner was fixed. The weekend one was a bit variable. We had an agenda for the meeting, updated on progress since last meeting, and ended with action items for the next three days. If child did not do something as he had agreed to, no scolding, just an acknowledgement that it was not completed. We treated him with respect like we would treat a colleague who missed a deadline. Between the meetings, we parents were not allowed to randomly ask for updates or scold/lecture.

    It worked like near magic. Once the child had an equal and final say in the "tasks list" creation, it was a load off our minds. An example from my talk at one such meeting: "You have put in years in this activity. You need to continue it for a year more. You can change instructor, league, ... but giving it up now would mean ... You decide, we will support your decision."

    It was not easy to keep my mouth shut between meetings. When it came to things like SAT exam and school finals, I felt like speaking up on Tuesday morning instead of after dinner Wednesday... : )

    Anyway, in short, limiting these conversations to twice a week, twenty minutes (sometimes thirty), turned our lives around.
     
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  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Here are my suggestions:

    1) Have a healthy discussion over several weeks as to what are her likes and dislikes not only in the area of academic but also in other fields such as dancing, singing, Karate, playing a physical game, swimming, etc. If you feel something that is easily doable with access nearby, you should immediately make it available to her.

    2) Involve her closely in domestic responsibilities such as washing dishes, clothes, cleaning her room, etc. This will distract some of her time from social media without her realizing it. You should never share that intent as her peers may enjoy different screen time and access. I would suggest the same even if you have a boy.

    3) Collect a series of article on parenting and equip yourself with that knowledge before you engage in a discussion with your husband. This is important for staying together in parenting than showing individual parenting skills. He might be doing a part-time parenting and he would understand the responsibility of full-time parenting only when you share what it takes to raise a child. Mostly, the parents use the techniques used by their parents which may or may not work in the present environment.

    4) Engage with other parents in your social circle or even through interaction in parent-teacher meeting and find out what other activities including advance courses the children are engaging. This might make a match with what her peers are doing.

    5) Communicating with her is key to her success. She should have a freedom to express her views freely to her parents failing which she would pull out and keep things to herself. It will set up a difficult situation in her upbringing. Even if some of her thoughts were upseting, please don't react. Slowly engage in a health discussion and ask her questions. Your husband by blaming her for not following up, closed her channel of communication with her dad.

    6) Take her with you for a service activity that involves some community work. That will help her understand the sufferings of people in the community and bring some great level of gratitute for what she already has. This has worked like a dream for many children in our community.

    7) Most importantly, the children are extraordinary good in dividing and ruling the household meaning using the divide between the parents to their advantage. Always be together with your husband in parenting. Don't even accidently tell her that her dad is wrong that would give her the loophole. But there is nothing wrong in stating that you are working with your husband on how to help her in her academics for future.

    8) This is the right age to discuss moral values and what is expected out of her to be a good person in the community. As you said she is already well-behaved, discuss this topic politely with her with a smile in your face. Reassure her that many of what you are saying might be known to her already. If you ever teach some Slokas or any religious recitations, always mention the reason for that recitation with meaning of such recitation. This makes the child understand the purpose.

    9) Never interrupt when she is having a free flow of conversation. Just listen even if it takes time. The children will shut up once you express a negative view on anything they were about to say. You make a note of it and bring it up at the end of the conversation where you have a different view. Never say her thoughts are wrong but you have a different view on the subject.

    10) Many of what you say and do are closely watched by her at this impressionable age. Those impressions have a big impact throughout her life. She will even use it to raise her own children in future. If you make a mistake, express it clearly. You can always say you should have said or done differently. This will develop a good habit to regret her bad thoughts and actions.

    Note: I have also raised only one child and until his age of 13, I was traveling internationally so much leaving my wife to do the parenting. She took him to Karate classes, Piano Classes, Tennis lessons, Etiquette classes, Basic financial lessons for children and so on. I did little during this phase. I have participating in parenting only at a late stage of my life. Some of them I have used while parenting and others I learned as a lesson after I had made a mistake in parenting.
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2023
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  10. prettywoman2

    prettywoman2 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you Rihana! This is like a replay of what happens in my household. It makes me feel better that I am not alone in this..
    You are so right about bringing up the father along with the child. It is so draining to have to educate the father too when you already have your hands full. But I guess there is no escape specially in Indian households…sigh!

     
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