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Last Minute Plan Changing Friends

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by paru123, Mar 24, 2023.

  1. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    It's like 2 times now, that a friend has changed the plan at the last minute which has created a lot of anger inside me.
    I had always planned to attend the event alone but this friend insisted that she and me shall go together and we decide a particular time to leave the house. First time she called 1 hour before and said she has been called early to welcome the guests and that I could come late. I went a little late and by that time all the cultural program got over and all I got to hear was the boring speech.
    Second time she insisted right from morning that we both go together for a Birthday party. She said we will buy gifts on the way and then go to the party and also that we wait for her son too to be back from his classes. In the evening she again confirmed with me that we both go at a particular time. But just 10 minutes back she called n said she is leaving early and will wait at a particular spot after buying the gift. I got so angry at her that I got further late and by the time we left the house she had finished her shopping and was asking me whether she could drop her kids at the party hall. I told her to wait for 10 more minutes for us. But there was so much rush at the gift shop and we were more late. She started calling again n again to tell that she is dropping her kids at the party hall and will come back n wait for me at the stop. She called me again to say that she has reached the hall. I was so much angry that I just asked her has the games begun and she said no. She said take your own time as the host family has not yet arrived.

    I know it's a silly thing but I just couldnt control my anger. I didnt speak to her at the party and was so irritated inside. At one point of time I even thought of not attending the party just because of the friend. I didn't want to confront her for this but felt kind of cheated on both occasions. Henceforth decided never to go with her anywhere.

    How do you handle such last minute plan changes that upset you, and also the resultant anger.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I've had or have couple such friends. One used to not only change plan last minute, but do her best to make it seem like the changed plan would be good or convenient for me also.

    Example: we would decide on meeting for lunch at 12:30. Previous night we would confirm at 11 pm. Next day morning, around 10 am, I get a text, "So are we on for lunch?" Our previous night confirmation would have been lost in the other chatter. I would reply, "Yes, see you around 12:30." After some pointless back and forth, it would come out that Madam has applied color to hair, but it didn't cover all hair, so she is applying again, so wants to do lunch another day. I am not kidding. I'd appreciate a simpler, "hey can we postpone?" instead of "are we on for lunch?"

    Now, I am quite flexible with people being late to a lunch, or not able to make it at all if boss schedules a meeting etc. Just say you can't make it, and I will figure out what I want to do. What ticked me off was make it seem like I also want the change.

    Another, we decide to meet at 12:00 noon. Restaurant is 15 mins from this madam's house and 45 minute drive for me. I am already there around 11:40 as I added some shopping to my trip and got done early. At 11:45, as she is backing car out, she sends me a text, "Hey, xyz Guruji is in town, I'll say a quick Hello on the way and take his blessings." I reply, "Sure.. I'll order, I am hungry." No... she'll talk while driving and say, "I'll just be there...wait... let's order together." We decided 12 noon to beat the long lines. If I say anything, I will be stopping her from getting blessings. So I seethe inside, order anyway, and am already eating when she comes in 12:30. "Oh traffic.. mall exit crowded..." She is the innocent one who wanted Guruji's blessings, the traffic is the culprit for her being late, and I am the bad friend who is eating already. She actually said during lunch, "oh you finished shopping early...I thought you would take longer."

    Sorry I got carried away with my own last minute change wala friends.

    Good how you split it into two parts: how to handle such last minute plan changes, and the resultant anger.

    The anger thing first: I did some deep googling and came to know that some people actually have anxiety related to sticking to a time or pre-made plans. They manage to follow those things at work but outside work, they unconsciously fight any time-based or plan-based activity. I concluded that we all view time, plans, and changing plans differently. So, I simply take a deep breath and accord them grace. They don't mean it as a disrespect to me, it is just who they are and how they function. Plus, they are like that with everyone, not just me. All this helps with the anger thing.

    How to deal with the plan changes? This is easier than it seems. I minimize my dependency on them. I phrase plans as, "I will be here at this time, I will then... " and I include, "if you are late.. I will order ahead..." My plans mostly anticipate people not showing up or being late. And above all, I don't make intricate plans with some people. I know my nature and I know theirs. I shifted the meetings to outside walks instead of restaurants. If they are late, I walk around and just cut short our together-walk time and leave when I had planned to.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2023
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  3. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    You seem to have lots of patience with these kind of friends. Anyways will follow your advice like anticipating such behavior and keeping less expectations from such people. The hurting part is I knew beforehand that we would get late if we were to buy gifts on they way, but didnt say as she wanted that we both leave together for the party. I was not assertive.
     
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  4. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Gold IL'ite

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    i had this guy friend who made all plans to go to a temple he knew very well. We agreed he will come to the station near my house. I will pick him up and drive to the temple.
    I confirmed the previous night and he pinged and called in the morning at about 7 and I confirmed that plan is in place and no changes.
    He seems to have called again at 9 or so and I think I was getting ready or something and didnt pick the call.
    I took the car and reached the station by 10 (as planned) and waited for him. Somehow, I pulled out my pphone to call him and saw his missed call at 9. I called him back and he said he didnt even start as I did not pick up the phone and he thought I might have cancelled.
    He said he can start then. He started giggling that I was already at the station and that I should have checked before reacing the station. Even if he starts at 10-15ish, he would take 1 hour to reach so 1130 and another hour or so for us to drive to the temple.

    I dont know I was so upset. I told him it was fine and that he shoudl stay back and enjoy the weekend.
    Didnt talk to him for many days after that. He says I was wrong to not pick the call. I kept saying he should have atleast messaged, or called again or just made some damn noise.
     
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    This happened to me quite a few times. I got the label of sticker for time, punctuality, inflexible... During the pandemic when meeting friends was on hold, I actually looked up possible reasons for this. Learned some interesting things about human behavior.

    Apparently, people treat social plans differently. For me, if we confirm a plan the previous day, then it is confirmed. We show up at the place at the planned time. We contact others only if we will be unable to show up. Other people look at it differently. For them, the plan remains "tentative" and they expect me to check before starting, like the guy you've described.

    When I meet a friend for lunch, I usually add something I do myself before the lunch, often returning items in stores. So, I start from home at say 10 am, do returning items for an hour and plan is to meet friend at 1pm. My friend found that inconvenient. She preferred that I leave home only after we "re-confirm" our lunch plans with a text around noon. : )

    Of course, not all are like this. With my other friends, it is simpler. We set a day and time and show up, max one person is 10-15 mins late.
     
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  6. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Omg, how could he be so irresponsible. Atleast should have left a message.
     
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  7. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    Try to avoid the dependency..especially when going to a third friend or any event hosted by a third person. If you are meeting a friend then you have to coordinate ..no options.

    I had a very bad experience when I had to visit a very good friend when she lost her mother. A friend of mine told me that we will go together and she kept postponing. It was very embarrassing to visit my friend after a long time had passed after her mother expired just becoz of that friend who wanted to accompany me.
     

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