1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Too Frustrated!!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by kenny, Feb 1, 2023.

  1. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    247
    Likes Received:
    12
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi ladies!
    I am writing to you after a long time.To those who dont know about me just to brief you.I live with Mil,my husband and child.She is overpossessive and my husband is a mommas boy.fil died when my husb was 20.She has never given any space or privacy in our relationship of 15 years.Husband also dances to her tunes.
    every where she we she will always join us.I some how learnt to deal with the situation and focus on myself and child.She has always played cold war with me from day one and the only job she has is to create rifts between me and husband.Somehow with time things got better but as soon as i leave him with mil for say 15 days,if i go to my parents place then he is poisoned completely by her and changes again...
    She is not in talking terms with any of her relatives (sis,bro ,other relatives because of the lady she is-always finds faults in others and is sarcastic to them)She hardly talks to me and so even i do the same though living under the same roof.Frankly speaking i dont have any emotiion for her now except bitterness because of whatever she has done till date.
    Now my brother lives abroad and has been calling us to visit us since many years but i havent visited him.
    Husbands sister also lives abroad in a different country and she has been insisting her mom to come over but she doesnt go because she has to do work there and here she doesnt do anything except watching tv.
    (She is quite hail and hearty,goes everywhere with us and goes for her kitties)
    Now i just told my husband that we will go to my brothers place ths summer.His first question was -who all will go?I simply told him that me ,you and my kid would go then he started asking about his mom.I said that she doesnt talk to me at all and you want that she should go with us for a month to my brothers house.
    From day 1 she wants to be invited to my mayka which is in a different city as ours and wants to stay there..Now i have stopped asking her just book my tickets and go.(A lady wants some peaceful days and wants to spend time with her parents so she goes there ,there also who takes her mil?)If she was good to me then it would have been a different issue but she is the typical mil.
    Husband started shouting that you just dont want to include her anywhere and just want to dictate the house..says i give tit for tat..To which i say yes i am not a doormat that she keeps beng sarcastic to me and i keep pleasing her,,i am middle aged now..dont have time for drama...if she is not good to me why should i keep pleasing her.I give it back to her.
    The main question is which mil goes to her dils brothers house for a long time ..I told my husband that she can go to his sis and we can go there...
    He said that she also wants to enjoy and visit my brothers country since we are going on a holiday..I was like she cant stand my parents and me,there also she will keep creating issues(my parents would also go with me so that we have a family get together)I havent met my bros family since 5 years ...
    i dont understand why my husb doesnt understand this logic...
    For formality sake obviously my bro asked my mil to come over ...to which she always happily aggrees...else elders mostly say that "no beta these kids can go what will i do)"
    To this going on i asked him whether you will take my mom to your sisters house to stay for a month?just to make him realise...he says no unka banta nahi hai because they dont stay with us..Mil stays with us so she should go with us.
    Please suggest...my head is going bonkers...what is the point of a holiday if there aso your mil accompanies you...every weekend she goes with us..is that not enough ..that she will join me everywhere..
    i am sick and tired of this lady and my husbands attitude..
    he knws i am struggling with high bp since many days and he still creayed this issue yesterday...I am in my 40s and want some peace of mind at this age..The thing is that he never speaks or discusses any probllem with any of his friends ..only discusses with his mom and his mom is a narcisst.What to do in such a situation.?
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2023
    Loading...

  2. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    247
    Likes Received:
    12
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Plz reply ..really very stressed!
     
  3. AppuMom

    AppuMom Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    303
    Likes Received:
    448
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    You already at 40 and should be knowing what makes you calm and peaceful. Tell your H that you and your kid will go for vacation and he can take care of his mom in your absence.Watch his reaction and take from there.some men need tight slap to come to reality.Go and enjoy your vacation.my life started getting better when I made my happiness the most priority.Everything else started to fall in place .
     
    chanchitra likes this.
  4. Janakinarne

    Janakinarne Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    429
    Likes Received:
    250
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    The
    Just u and your child go to your Bros place and enjoy,leave everything behind..if your husband not ready to leave his mom then let him take care of her and you go,don't mind him just enjoy your days,
    Otherwise leave your mil at her daughter's house and you people als saty these for few days and leave to your Bros place ,if your husband insissts that his mom als wants to see the place ,
    Last week if your trip plan for her and all to gether stay at some hotel and let your husband take care of sightseeing for her..
    Don't offer her stay at Bros place ,just vistut and say bye to ur Bro and go to some resots and there can plan as they like..then onl your husband will know the responsibility..
    My suggestion is just leave everything at home and don't expect your husband to join with u ..take a break and refresh your slef..
     
  5. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,197
    Likes Received:
    1,442
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Just like others said, u and ur kid go please.
    Enjoy.
    Let your husband babysit his mom
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    I am not sure the family equation here. But living with an elderly person in a joint family (be it mom or MIL) is not easy. It takes a toll on your marriage life, and it can cause you a lot of stress off late.

    We can easily listen to our elders when we were kids. But after becoming adults, it is not easy to listen to their advice all the time. Unfortunately, this is so hard on the elders' part as they think we are still their children who look up to them for advices.

    Drawing a healthy boundary is the key here. But that is not always possible. In such situations, ignoring them is the mantra for a peaceful life.

    At the age of 40, you can't run away from home to be peaceful. This is your home, and this is where you should find peace.

    First of all, your MIL is not just an extended member, but your family after all these years of staying under one roof.
    She should be included, consulted, invited and appreciated in whatever the family matters.

    At the same time, she can't act as a guest expect services from you in the home if she wants to be considered as family. As long as she is healthy, she should pitch in and contribute to the chores and responsibilities in the home.

    As the woman of the house (most powerful position), plan well on how best your MIL could contribute to the day today life.
    Cleaning, washing, cooking, spending time with grandkids, taking care of them, taking them to school, folding cloths, dusting, supervising the maid, cooking a meal, etc..etc...
    Assign her duties according her age, and interest and tactfully make her involve in them.

    Whenever my mom goes to my brother's place, my SIL asks her to cook the main dish and tells that she and her husband yearns to eat from her cooking. Mom is pleased to cook there, thinking she is doing this for her son, who always love her cooking.
    Likewise, she makes sure mom's presence is compensated with certain helps.

    Coming to your problem:
    You can't leave a family member behind when the rest of you are going on a trip abroad. Her safety, her wellbeing and her care should be taken cared of. That is your/your DH's responsibility.

    If you could arrange local helps for MIL during your absence, that would be perfect.
    If not send her somewhere be it a distant relative's place or pilgrimage, or a camp for elders as appropriate during your absence. Makesure she is not left behind.

    If possible convince her to visit her DD in abroad during your vacation. Try to talk to your SIL and DH to coordinate things together, so that your MIL is in safe hands.

    If nothing works, pack your bags and fly with your kids while leaving your DH behind.

    This is your family time and you really should enjoy this special moment with your FOO. Your kid is your responsibility as well as your happiness. So you should be with him no matter wherever you travel.

    But, you can't force your DH to travel with you without a proper care plan for your MIL. Even if he travels he won't enjoy the time with you. His mind will be at home and his mother will take him a guilt ride for the rest of his life.

    So, let him handle this from his end. If he wants to travel with wife & kid and spend this vacation in a new country (quite an opportunity), he should find a way to leave his mom behind.
    He should discuss this with mom and convince her.

    If not, loss is his... You go ahead and enjoy.
     
    umaakumar and KashmirFlower like this.
  7. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    300
    Likes Received:
    547
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    You deserve a break! If you can't avoid MIL joining with you all, let your husband stay with your MIL or even better they can visit your husband's sister and have their time together while you get to enjoy meeting your family - parents, bro n his family with your kid minus the drama and stress of husband n mil. You are in 40s and already must have tried all the talks in 15yrs of marriage so if things dont change, you change your thought process to do what makes you happy.in patriarchal society, post marriage a woman is forced to make husband family as her own while the man gets away happily being momma's boy and also double benefit of being treated as king by wife's parents.
    It's that's why important to set boundaries in the initial days of marriage itself.
    I faced the worst... I should pay n book for my inlaws to come with me to my parents home! Ha! This is like paying a thief to rob your own house lol.
    Initially, like any other newly wed indian daughter in law, I obliged....but as the years rolled by, I realised the expectations will rise and no matter what you do, what profession you belong to or how much you earn, they still want to control DIL and make her a doormat. I refused it. My husband used to say he will never come to my parents house if i dont book for my inlaws too. I said very well, it's your wish!. And since then, I visit myself n enjoy my time sans dramas with my parents.
    You don't need to tag your husband along everywhere especially when you know he doesn't respect your emotions!
    Ja simran ja! Jee le apni zindagi
     
  8. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,575
    Likes Received:
    7,022
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Let your husband stay with his mommy darling. Book tickets for yourself and kid and enjoy with your brother and family..
     
  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    13,370
    Likes Received:
    24,115
    Trophy Points:
    538
    Gender:
    Male
    @kenny,

    I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Since your husband lost his father at early age, your MIL probably has a good control over her son. Looking at this situation from your husband's perspective, he probably things anything he does in exclusion of his mother will be viewed as lack of respect/sympathy. He needs to learn to balance out between your requirements and his mother's needs.

    You definitely deserve a break especially when you have so much in your mind. In my view, you and your kid must go to your brother's place with your parents to take a break from your situation. Leave the decision to your husband whether he would like to accompany you or not after making alternative arrangement to look after his mom.

    Your mental health as well as physical health is important and a break would do a lot of good for you. Please tell your husband that it is your family get-together and hence it is meant only for your parents, brother's family and your family. Tell her your sister-in-law's parents are not invited to this get-together. Also explain to him if it is a get-together of his family to his sister's place, then, his mother can go with you, husband and kid.

    Frankly, you need to plan such a trip once in at least 2-3 years to have a break from this environment. With all due respect to your MIL, she needs to provide some kind of privacy for you and your husband to bond together if she cares for the well-being of her son's family.

    Even when you are home, please reduce your time with your MIL and increase the time you spend with your kid and husband. Tactically, you need to make your husband understand, if he stands up for you, you wouldn't mind being nice to his mother as it is your responsibility to look after her. Change the strategy by saying if he stands up for you, you don't have to respond to his Mom's words instead of saying, you are reacting to what his mom said word for word. Try to eliminate your emotions about your MIL as it will eventually affect your health. Your family is dependent on you especially your kid. More you react to your MIL, she will get encouragement to do more and when you demonstrate to her that none of her actions are working on you, her actions will die down automatically.

    Good luck!
     
    Anusha2917 and drdiva like this.
  10. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    184
    Likes Received:
    162
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi dear
    Your situation is really frustrating.. Same thing is happening to me ..i don't respond when my mil makes such unreasonable demands..If I was in your place I would have gone along with the kid. I know you mil will get a good opportunity to misfeed hour husband but when you come back you will handle that as you have experienced 15 yrs in handling that. But you visiting your brother in another country with your kid family will be a lifetime experience. Don't miss it. It's very frustrating when people like your mil make such stupid demands..uninvited guests ..no self respect.i absolutely understand you and you don't have an responsibility towards such unreasonable people who don't miss an opportunity to harras you. Such elderly people are just a burden. I hope you come out of this soon.
     

Share This Page