New Age Friendships - Do They Have Expiry Dates Preset?

godsgp · Jan 28, 2023

People of the older generation looked for friends.They got friends.
Our generation is more keen on networking.
A few still want friends,in the real meaning of the word.But to the other person one can be just another dot in their network.
There is so much of fragility,ego and fakeness everywhere that yeah "friendships" are hard to find.
Every relation who invests in the other tries to redeem at the earliest as if it is a short term market.

crazysans · Apr 27, 2023

crazysans said: ↑

Hi,

This has been bothering me a bit these days.

I have seen my mom having lots of female friends for years and still get along very well and I have seen a very good emotional between her and her friends. They were there for each other even after many years when they all moved through different phases of like schools to marriages to kids, their marriages and grand kids etc. Still have the same bond and affection in their talks even of they meet after years.

On the other hand I somehow am feeling like I am not able to maintain friendships beyond certain time. TH elongest friendship that I had was for ~10 years. I have already posted a thread in this section about a year ago, but now I am over that sadness and concentrating more on my family kids, etc. However I made a few new friends who I have never met before , but recently met here in a foreign land, I guess the factors that I felt connected to them are - language, family situations like same aged kids etc. I have also got in touch with one of my close friends in college who happened to be living some what closely to where I am now. However I think these friendships are not going where I wanted to be either. After about a year and half, I noticed that I am thinking twice to talk freely, with this college friend. Not many bad incidents but just once , we had a big argument, where she pin pointed how I talked about her in front of my friend. She came with her family (3 kids and her husband) to stay at ours for 15 days over XMAS holidays and we were sharing all house work etc. Then she recently pin pointed to me and said I was insulting her infornt of one of my other friends one day saying " she would not give me a chance to clean up the dishes , she would finish as soon as we finish cooking etc" I agree I said that , but not in the sense that she understood, I was very appreciative of her helping nature etc. All my family were worried If I would be stressed when they heard from me that they are coming to stay over for 15 days, so I told this even to my parents that she was helping me with everything and we were sharing. Not sure why she took it in such a bad way. She also said "you now have got many other friends who are growing more close to you" . But deep down I feel like this is not going to end up in the way that I want. I had to constantly watch my words thinking what she will interfere from them. SHe does not work and I am working, so I think she feels like I am dominating her/ insulting her in front of my other friends here etc. Which I have no intention of and I clearly told her many times that she manages many things much better way than me.

So in short, I was feeling like

Todays friendships especially between ladies is short lived and subject to many factors such as whether one is working or not, who is earning more, whose kids are better looking, good at studies , lifestyles , Who maintains their looks etc..... all these things are constantly getting in way of their friendships? One we grow close and start discussing these things openly somehow there is gap forming... Is that right? what is your observation? Am I thinking too much?

How many of you are able to maintain a close relationship with someone , who you would talk daily/regularly atleast on a weekly basis or living closely to you or meet everyday at work etc , who knows more of your personal stuff etc .... and still maintain that relationship over many years? What was your trick?
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Hey all

Came back to update here again. Infact I only realised I posted this years ago. Had an issue with this exact friend after 7 years nearly since I posted this. Ironically I was again turning up to IL to learn how deal with this and there it is my own thread about this very same friend and very same problem.

Issue is over the years we somehow managed to maintain a a reasonably good relationship while we were in different cities. Was just a few personal visits 2-3 times a year. Yes there were disturbing incidents to me personally but didn’t bother me once I stepped out of their place.

But now recent they moved to same city as us and a house very near us. Then started the problem. We went to India and when we came back I messaged everyone in our close friends circle that we are back and we had some catch-ups in the next 2-3 days and some of those this friend organised. Little did I know she was alripset with me not updating only her about our come back and the fact that we treated them like all others. Mind you these other friends are like family to us and they were the ones closest to us in this city. So made sure this family is welcomed by them while we were away with their move etc. My other friends also helped them with setting up the house etc after their move.

I tried to ask her what is the reason for her cold treatment since we came back from India. Her answer is you didn’t invite us to your home once you are back. You treated us like everyone else and nothing special. Mind you both me and my husband started work immediately after we came back from India and after that I invited her for every weekend and she said is busy with something or the other. And when I responded with the same her reaction is you could have called me on weekdays but didn’t because you don’t want us to come anyway. That’s when I broken down and also raised all the hurtful things she said and did in the past and I never asked her and she is making such a big fuss that I didn’t invite her family over weekdays even after knowing our week days are pretty full given work and kids tuition etc . She doesn’t work and her husband is only working part time right now so they don’t appreciate the limited family time I have to plan catch-ups etc esp after coming back from holiday. So after this I tried to cool down and invited them over a few times she didn’t turn up and still makes a cold face looking at me. I am at the verge of leaving this behind to move on as I don’t have energy to deal with this anymore. Even if we do patch up eventually I am still worried about her hurtful behaviour I had to endure all this while in the name of friendship. Just posting here incase if anyone can pickup a lesson or 2 from here. Bottom line is if it has to break it will break eventually even after years of efforts to keep it intact.

anika987 · Apr 27, 2023

crazysans said: ↑

Hey all

Came back to update here again. Infact I only realised I posted this years ago. Had an issue with this exact friend after 7 years nearly since I posted this. Ironically I was again turning up to IL to learn how deal with this and there it is my own thread about this very same friend and very same problem.

Issue is over the years we somehow managed to maintain a a reasonably good relationship while we were in different cities. Was just a few personal visits 2-3 times a year. Yes there were disturbing incidents to me personally but didn’t bother me once I stepped out of their place.

But now recent they moved to same city as us and a house very near us. Then started the problem. We went to India and when we came back I messaged everyone in our close friends circle that we are back and we had some catch-ups in the next 2-3 days and some of those this friend organised. Little did I know she was alripset with me not updating only her about our come back and the fact that we treated them like all others. Mind you these other friends are like family to us and they were the ones closest to us in this city. So made sure this family is welcomed by them while we were away with their move etc. My other friends also helped them with setting up the house etc after their move.

I tried to ask her what is the reason for her cold treatment since we came back from India. Her answer is you didn’t invite us to your home once you are back. You treated us like everyone else and nothing special. Mind you both me and my husband started work immediately after we came back from India and after that I invited her for every weekend and she said is busy with something or the other. And when I responded with the same her reaction is you could have called me on weekdays but didn’t because you don’t want us to come anyway. That’s when I broken down and also raised all the hurtful things she said and did in the past and I never asked her and she is making such a big fuss that I didn’t invite her family over weekdays even after knowing our week days are pretty full given work and kids tuition etc . She doesn’t work and her husband is only working part time right now so they don’t appreciate the limited family time I have to plan catch-ups etc esp after coming back from holiday. So after this I tried to cool down and invited them over a few times she didn’t turn up and still makes a cold face looking at me. I am at the verge of leaving this behind to move on as I don’t have energy to deal with this anymore. Even if we do patch up eventually I am still worried about her hurtful behaviour I had to endure all this while in the name of friendship. Just posting here incase if anyone can pickup a lesson or 2 from here. Bottom line is if it has to break it will break eventually even after years of efforts to keep it intact.
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There is a proverb in tamil..

Dhoorathu pachai kannuku kulurchi..
Grass looks good and nice from afar..

Some Distance is always better in any relationship these days for our own sanity.

Rihana · Apr 27, 2023

crazysans said: ↑

I tried to ask her what is the reason for her cold treatment since we came back from India. Her answer is you didn’t invite us to your home once you are back. You treated us like everyone else and nothing special. Mind you both me and my husband started work immediately after we came back from India and after that I invited her for every weekend and she said is busy with something or the other. And when I responded with the same her reaction is you could have called me on weekdays but didn’t because you don’t want us to come anyway.
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You know if I hadn't experienced this myself from erstwhile friends I'd have thought "Do such people really exist!!" The "you didn't invite us to your home after returning from India" types. : )

I had one such friend. One Friday there was a get-together at her place. I came home from work after a long day, wore a chamki /sequin kurti over blue jeans and we went over. Kurtis were still a new concept then. We ring the bell, she opens the door, even as we are stepping inside, she says, "Oh you are wearing jeans.. I thought you would at least dress up for the party." I was so taken aback. More so, as she was quite some years younger than me. I didn't feel like explaining that we were dealing with infertility and period had started, and cramps, and jeans felt the most comfortable thing to wear oddly enough.

This was years ago .. but her remark and complaining tone are fresh in my head. That friendship died a natural death soon enough. We used to run into each other at mutual friends' places. I never entertained any analysis of why I had stopped keeping in touch.

crazysans · Sep 6, 2023

Hey guys, back again, after months of lasst update. Wanted to update my experience and this time to seek help as well.

Since we had that heated argument, both of us have been cold with each other. Husbands who are good friends before turned to be cold to us ladies as well but they tried to maintain friendship. Only difference is her husband makes a really cold and angry face when he sees me in family gatherrings but my husband just keeps it cordial.

But the situation is since they moved into same neighbourhood as us , now all of my previous friends also started inviting them over to gatherings / parties etc. They all know them since they visited us often while in different city, so all of them know them being our friend. Other than that none of my friends group have any interaction in the past with them. Still all my friends tried to make sure they are welcomed while theey moved when we ourselves were in India and except for a couple of other close friends of mine in this group I chose not to disclose this issue with anybody else as I didn't want these guys to feel alone in this new city. All they know is my friends' group here. In a way I was also ashamed that a friendship of nearly a decade ended all just in a matter of 2 months because I chose to standup for my self respect and put my foot down for really unreasonable expectations from her and her husband. To be honest I can't say if am missing her friendship at all after all the years of trauma and mis treatment in the name of friendship. Anyway long story short we are still forced to see each other as they have now become part of my friend's group here.

Now another issue started. Everytime she and her husband sees me in a party , they make a wierd face with me (not my husband as if to show evryone that whatever is the problem its all my fault) My husband has been cordial with the wife but tried to still maintain a level of friendship with her husband. So much so that I started being conscious when i am around them, and for all these months my apple watch keeps alerting me that my heart rate is higher than normal. Initially thought its just a coindicence or I am just being emotional but it has happend consistantly multiple times when we met at a party or something. So deep down I feel like it has impacted my system very badly, and more than emotional I am experiencing physical symptoms of anxiety when I am around. Mind you 7 out of 9 times I got this alert is only when I am around them (that's roughly how many times we met them since we had that fight) and only other times I got that alert is when I am presenting to a large group etc while at work etc. So clearly their presence is making me very anxious no matter how much I try

When I tried to analyse why I am upset and nervous, I think it boils down to 2 main issues

1. My husband is still trying to maintain a cordial relationship with them regardless of all the issues I have been raising with him about this friend since years (from 2016) which he clearly knows I was trying to ignore just to save the friendship. I am starting to question - if he really cares for the pain in the past and anxiety in the present that I am going through? I was expecting him to take care of me and respect my emotions and keep it low with them. I have noticed that when I explained him that I am upset when he talks to them ,he tried to quietly or secretly keep in touch with her husband, which pains me even more. This hurts a lot. I feel like he is indirectly telling them that he is with them and not with me in this whole issue. To put things into perspective my husband has never tried to keep secrets with me in the past, and we only started having this gap since this issue. I also heard him saying to one of my other friends (who knows about this issue) that because I grew up in a closed and very protected environment and hence I take things / jokes very seriously and that is part of the problem. This makes me feel my problem / pain is not at all acknowledged by him. I feel too tired of explaining to him and get him to understand and he says he is Ok to stop talking to them but that will look very ugly infront of everyone else. He also never said so far that he has an issue with all things they said / did to me infront of him while that fight happened. He just says yes that lady is a bit dominating and other than that he himself doesn't have a problem with me. This makes me feel like I am alone in this battle where as for the other lady her hussband stands tall next to her to show support even though clearly she is at fault that both men acknowledged in a different context that the lady is short tempered and hence its normal for her. And infact her husband himself said I expected this from my wise but not from me. But still he choosess to support his wife but my husband tries to keep it neutral always and never caress for my feelings and hurt.

Also this lady's husband very clearly shows his support to his wife in gatherings and makes face with me so much so that eeveryone in the party can notice that but not just my husband. A few of my close friends who know this issue also acknowledges his cold face to me, so its definitely not just me imagining things. Just fail to understand how my hussband can accept that if he really loves me.

May be I am deep down upset and worried that everyone else in the party thinks it is my fault since my husband is not showing any face etc where the other guy is doing it to me so visibly.

2. This lady tries to constantly get in touch with my other friends and build friendship with them, which is making it hard for everyone to avoid inviting them into groups. She and her husband exited our friends' whatsapp group after our fight "saying they are doing social media cleanup". Which has essentially forced everyone in my friend's group to maintain a personal relationship with them so they are now forced to invite them for all family gatherings. So my friends are anyway inviting them to parties but keeping it cordial.

I don't know how to get past this issue anymore? It seems to have impacted me very badly both physically and emotionally that I feel very very lonely and feel like my husband is not sensitive to my pain all these years. what should I do ? Not sure how to overcome this issue? How to standup for myself without feeling that I am fighting a lonely battle?