How To Help Him To Bounce Back

I know my husband for almost 2 decades, and we are married for 13 years now.
Before marriage, he used to be a very lively person, with so much friends around him.

At the age of 21, he left his parents in India and moved to Sri lanka following a mishap at his home. Since then, he wanted to stay away from his family.
He started his life in Sri Lanka from the scratch. Joined as a waiter at a restaurant for his survival, and then eventually started studying with the hope of going to UK - Which was his dream then. After a few months, he was lucky enough to receive a decent job and progressed so well in his career.

I met him when he was so down and had no prospects in his life back in 2002. We travelled together so far in life. Both of us were self made people, and grew well together as friends.

We got married in 2008.
Upon knowing their son's status (plus mine), his parents decided to join us for good. It all seemed good when I left the country 3 weeks post marriage for work, hoping to invite my H on dependent visa and eventually securing him a job in the new country- which seemed very possible back then.

Within 3 months of our marriage, my H changed to a different personality. He treated his parents like God. Showed lack of interest in joining me in abroad, instead he started controlling my finances remotely. The moment he gained access to my savings (via joint account) he left his job. This has eventually created some rifts between us and he chose to side with his parents completely.

Fast forward to today, 13 years later.........

Here I am, with a very successful career, settled life, wonderful support system and an amazing family

On the other hand, it took my H nearly 10 years to realize that his parents were literally looting him by taking advantage of his yearning for their love. They took him on a long guilt ride, for which he has paid a hefty price.
His dad wanted to control our finances; hence made his son a puppet. He tried all the possible ways to retain his son under his umbrella, to ensure his DIL's (my) savings will flow into his accounts. My H danced as per their tunes by quitting his job, investing on FIL's properties, giving D threats to me, and punishing the child - including taking him away while I was in abroad, to make sure that, I continue the money flow.

After a long battle, I revived and separated the finances. That was it. In laws kicked my H away, and even tried to kill him

He was shattered, undoubtedly shocked and unable to process what was going on in his life. Initially he was in denial, often gave benefit of the doubt to his dad. He thought his mom & siblings were nice. Gave so much loopholes for them to twist & turn things around.
This has made him suffer another couple of years. During this, one of his best friend (cum relative) was with him, and he was confusing him by taking his parents' side. He did not allow my H to see things from a neutral POV.

Apart from proving their evil side, I did nothing to save my H. Because I was struggling myself to get out of their trap, save my marriage and progress in life single handedly. It was already draining, and I had many health complications, and problems in life... So, I least bothered about his well-being that time.

Last year his best friend died at the age of 40. He just received a new post, with an increased insurance for death. He also recently separated from his FOO, who was his biggest support system. On his funeral, we came to know of all the foul plays involved in his death for money. His wife was my FIL's niece. His life was no different from that of my H, except for the fact that he escaped from the trap a little early.

Nevertheless, my H learned his lessons the hard way. He got scared, and decided to accompany wherever I go, just to stay away from his evil parents. He has stopped communicating with his FOO, including his siblings. His siblings are reasonable people with brains. So they least involved their parents, and chose to stay away from their parents for good.

It has been a year since we have left the country. We are financially well-settled. But I still manage the family's finances single handedly.

My H feels empty, and helpless here. He is ashamed of staying home for the first time in the past decade, especially before the kids and others in this new country.
He has sincerely applied for jobs, but given the long gap in his career and lack of competence (he has lost it), he doesn't seem to be getting anything.

While I can understand his mental health & psychosocial problems, I easily get pissed off when he shows laziness, negativity, lack of enthu and the negative coping mechanism. Especially he either sleeps or eats or watch useless videos in phone during the day.

I feel bad for my son, who grow up looking at his lazy dad & show signs of laziness already.

I feel bad for my H, because my mom and others hurt him with lose talks targeting his unemployment and past mistakes.

But i don't wanna trust him again or give access to my hard earned finances as long as his parents are alive. I just give him reasonable pocket money. That's all.

Today, I feel like helping him to re-start from where he left. It will be really difficult to make him unlearn all the negativity and laziness to prepare for a job.
His dependent visa is yet another problem.

But I want to work with him. He clearly lacks the listening capacity. He easily goes on self pity mode, and his fragile ego strikes on; hence I basically avoid discussing anything related to his employment these days.
But I feel, I shouldn't let this wonderful person sink... He minus his parents' involvement is a gem of a person. A highly educated and very talented employee.
He must live his life with pride & happiness. He deserves a chance.....

This is just a vent - a journal in my life, but I would also like to hear your opinion friends

 

Thanks for responding, but I am sorry that I don't think motivational videos work.
I have tried sharing many directly and indirectly via FB or family groups so that he could watch. But you only listen what you want to listen. So, it never worked.

Well, during past few years I have been helping him to try alternatives. I badly wanted to do 2 different home business when we were living in Sri Lanka. There was high potential, and market demand for certain items which we could thankfully get through our contacts.
I had invested a lot of time in coordinating, doing market assessments and building on a social platform to establish that home business. I even named it, and registered it properly.
Since I could not focus full time on this business, I have asked my H to take care of it. I even gave him the authority to plan & decide for the business since it will be ours. I was all prepared to register the same in his name if he was interested.
But he was so negative about that, and didn't wanna take up.

When I insisted, he was like how come you can ask a professional with a masters' degree to do home business?

So, I gave up that idea. I am sure, one day I will pick up from where I left and excel in that promising business.

 

This is very true.

If there is a will, there is a way. This man doesn't feel like going out or look for jobs beyond what he wants to do or what he thinks will suit his caliber.
If I ask him to go for any jobs like driver or teacher, he will think I am forcing him for money and start going back to self pity mode.

My mom is really concerned about this, and the other day she questioned me "how long is he going to stay like this'? It is not because money, because by God's grace we are well settled. But for his own mental health needs, he must go out, see people, and earn a sense of achievement. He is just 40, and he has a long way to go.

 

Exactly... I have been directly and indirectly telling him the same.
He needs to go out, see people, build connections and from there he can find a place as per his needs.
If I were him, I would be happy to work in a retail shop and try building my network with the customers.

I have asked him to do a few certifications, which he has done a lot.
In fact, to shut others who comment on him staying home, he keeps studying and telling them that he is busy studying and looking for jobs that meets his caliber.


I am all fine with a house husband. I just want him to focus his life towards something or the other than doing nothing.
He can invest his time with the kids, teach them, invest in their home schooling activities, or take them to classes, coaching etc
He can help me/mom at the kitchen or cleaning the house or even grocery shopping.

For now, we are spending a lot for the maid, cleaner, kid's coaching, and I & mom struggle a lot with their exams, teaching and home-works besides all that we do for the family. But he just sleeps or eats or watch endless youtube. At times, he doesn't even have time to spend with kids.

He is being a wrong example for the growing kids, and that is my worry.