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Silent Treatment

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by jmsd, Aug 20, 2022.

  1. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    There’s a lot to unpack from your update. :) Bear with me.
    Why? Why are you so upset? You need to question yourself and try to introspect on why you feel like this. Why do you feel guilty /as though you did something wrong /lost something? This is a flaw in your thinking. I do think you are being too emotional and reacting also quite emotionally. Problems are not solved like this as you very well know. So work on curbing your emotions so you can think coolly.
    This is another mistake. Don’t compare. It just increases your resentment and bitterness. Try to divert your mind each time you catch yourself doing this and your emotions will also subside.

    From above quotes #1 and #2 It sounds to me like you spend a lot of time thinking about this, brooding about it. Comparing makes me think you keep trying to justify your decision even though you already took it. Sounds like you are mentally at war with yourself Like you are constantly thinking ‘Is this necessary? If only I kept quiet, if only… if only…’ if that’s the case then stop. Stop justifying. You took the decision and performed the action. It is in past. Now just accept that and be calm. What is done is done. You can’t undo now. All you can is move forward.
    Again bitter, resentful, depressed thoughts. Why? Please stop. You did nothing wrong. Stop excoriating yourself so relentlessly. Just stop. Go for a walk, watch a comedy show. Do something new to take your mind off this drama. Get out of the house. Give yourself a break. Are kids home? Spend time with them.

    Just calm down and you will realize that absent your overcompensating efforts to paper over his faults and make your married life look okay, this - what you are experiencing - is the reality of your marital life. This is what it actually has been all along. You were maintaining an illusion and you seem anxious to return to the illusion. Why is that? Please question yourself deeply what insecurity is this triggering and confront that truth. Is it a trivial thing or a deeply significant truth of your life? That will also point you towards the answer.

    There’s nothing wrong with wanting better for your marriage and yourself or to change how things are. That’s what you did. Now the ball is in his court so all you can do is wait till he makes a move. He may realize or he may not. If he does good and if he doesn’t you may have to reevaluate. But becoming anxious, emotional or bitter, telling yourself you ‘must’ bow before him, forcing yourself to bow before his ‘almighty’ and mentally humiliating yourself is not correct. Don’t do that. You deserve better.

    About his birthday, you can if you wish coolly wish him (in the same spirit as anniversary) and keep quiet. Do the right thing (wish him) but retain your dignity (don’t bow or surrender). Per what you wrote so far about the argument, I don’t feel like you have done anything wrong so I personally don’t think you need to humiliate yourself. There’s still time so meanwhile work on the other points mentioned - your emotional over reaction, etc and see what insights or fresh realizations that process brings. Hang in there!
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2022
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  2. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for the reply.
    Yes I couldn't agree more .
    All this while it has been pretty much an overcompensation for his omissions and an attempt to make the whole marriage thing look great.
    For once that I threw the ball in his court ,he chose to give me a long silence as if he's good without it.
    That is what is hurtful.I will get over.
    Eventually.
    There is no going back to square one though.
    The ball now will remain in his court.
     
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  3. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for introducing me to the concept of codependency.
    I am going to research and read about it more.
    May be it will help for rest of my life
     
  4. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    Ladies I feel you are incredibly kind and I have a bunch of well wishers/friends/sisters walking me through this bad phase/situation I am in right now.
    I stood up for myself and then got too shaky.
    This is kindness of strangers of a next level.
     
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  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Also, watch your body language. You should be pleasant, happy and welcoming to show that his bad behavior is not affecting you. This will make him powerless and confused. Behave normal as much as you can and enjoy your 'me time'. Like as I said, when you are ready and you feel he is ready, you can take next step. Also, use one liners every day, its part of ' smart contact'. Try to bring jovial way to fix conflict. Don't be so serious or emotional. Train yourself to talk in cool, neutral way. Till then, stay strong.
    Wishing you peace and happiness.

    Codependency, like an addiction, is one of the reason why you are so anxious about his abandonment. There can be other reasons too. But, its not the reason for his bad behavior. So dont blame you again for all these. Understand the difference between independence, dependence and codependence. Also, need to understand emotional abuse. Women are more emotional than men, so is the impact due to these kind of issues. You need to have a healthy mindset and postitive, practical attitude to face any issues, else will end up suffering and it can impact your overall well being and health. So, gain your power back and have full control of your life. Knowledge is power. So learn and empower yourself.

    Check this out
    Codependent relationships: Symptoms, warning signs, and behavior
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2022
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  6. NOW

    NOW Gold IL'ite

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    I just want to add if you follow the wonderful advice you got here, 2-5 years down the line :

    - You will be more respected and more valued in your own home for WHO YOU ARE. Not due to some image that you portray from the pressure of keeping it together.
    - You will have more emotional independence and more strength to face any situation as a person and pull others support with more dignity rather than being desperate or dependent on them.
    - You will be able to teach and be a role model for your kids to have that same self esteem dealing with difficult people they will come across in future.
    - It will be easier to let go of expectations and accept the situation for what it is and work together well with the end goal in mind.

    I changed myself along the lines shared here and it worked wonders for me. Now I am just myself unapologetically no matter what my husband or parents or in-laws or anyone else in the world thinks.
     
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  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Yeah, but for now work on yourself. Journal your thoughts I ‘ve found that stream of consciousness writing really helpful when I’m muddled. Write out scenarios. Sometimes it takes a few days of writing out my muddled thoughts for me to get a grip and realize what is really bothering me. Your reaction, almost of grief shows that this quarrel has triggered some deeply seated fear or insecurity in you. Examine it closely. Is that fear justified? understand it and make sense of it. Slowly you will regain your equilibrium. Are you indulging in doomsday thinking or are you justified in your gloomy anticipation? Once you understand where all this emotion is coming from, what fear is driving it, you will get lot of clarity as to what to do and you will become calm.

    Another thing to try is to write out different scenarios. Imagine them as fully as possible. What if this happens? How will it play out? What if tomorrow is the day, he suddenly breaks the silence and asks you what do you want? What will you answer? Keep your answer ready. That is spend some time and think it through.

    And you know him best. You said he has evolved a lot, that he’s good person. Take how he has changed into account. Make the penalty fit the crime. Keep it proportional.
     
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  8. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    I am a week person right now but yes these indeed are goals.I see that I need a lot of change in myself too if I want to live a more dignified life.
     
  9. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    Will do that and keep all these points in mind.
    As much as I am in this situation now I cannot be thankful enough for the advice I received here.It really helped clear a lot up for myself.
     
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