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Silent Treatment

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by jmsd, Aug 20, 2022.

  1. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    He's a good husband and father.
    Has evolved a lot.
    I am done with the non communicative mode as of now.
    I want better.
    I don't deserve this
     
  2. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    I can understand your thoughts. One question, during the last 20 years, what have you done during silent treatment episodes. How was your approach towards h? I can see you resolved those issues. But when he start it what you generally do? Go on silent mode or?
     
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  3. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for asking this.
    These answers that I am giving here in the forum or to myself are helping me revisit my own approach.
    Just like maintaining a perfect house,family and relations were my priority,I think I took it upon myself to make everything work keep everything smooth in my marraige too.
    I might have resisted for a day or two but to keep the "paradise" (or the illusion of it) look like and sound like what it should ,despite the hurt I always made up.It was always in the back of my mind that there is no use stretching something which is not going to heal all by itself.That the kids should not feel something is off was also a driving force.
    There were a lot of shouting matches in my house when I was growing up.I know how they affect the kids.I didn't want to do the same to mine.
    This overdoing my part to keep everything functional ,I guess it's a flaw of my personality too.
    I do it for the people who I love or are important to me. I have done that with my paternal family too and ended up feeling exploited in all such situations because then the other person takes you for granted.
    Anyhow,now I want to change things.Hope I am able to.
     
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  4. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    During silent treatment husband wrote instruction to wife on magnetic note pad and left it on fridge door - went to profound sleep.
    “Wake me up at 5 in the morning. I must go early to office”.
    When he woke up, it was already 7am and questioned her.
    She maintained silence pointing to the magnetic board on fridge.
    He got enraged looking at her written words on that board.
    “WAKE UP HONEY. IT IS FIVE O’CLOCK ALREADY”.
     
  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Op, I didn't get a clear reply on what your approach was during those silent episodes.
    Are you expecting a change in him or going to change? It wont work easily. But, you can definitly, change your mindset and response.
    I understand that you are now exhausted due to the adjustments in your life by being at the receiving end. I will reply. But some of the replies in this post will be useful
    Ego, Temper and Moodiness - Fatal Combination
     
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  6. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi dear, first hugs to you! Been there...done that....or should i say successfully out of that!

    Your post reminds me of my situation few years ago. My husband used to do that to me. Every time i said something, did something he didnt like, it was either a loud fight or the silent treatment. i could and can still handle loud fights. The silent treatments were the bane of my existence. I mean, i couldnt be happy, i couldnt eat, sleep, laugh, be normal with my kids. My health suffered, i used to have emotional breakdowns and crib and cry and plead to get him to talk to me.

    One day it went too far and i knew he crossed a line when he imposed the silent treatment as a 'punishment' for a month. And for half the month, when i was going crazy and stressful with this, i noticed that he had a wonderful time - eating, sleeping, reading, watching TV and laughing out loud on jokes, conversing with his friends for hours on phone without a single thought for what i was going through.

    Thats when i realised that the silent treament had power only if i chose to see it a punishment. I slowly started seeing as my 'me time'. During the next fight, i was prepared and ready for the silent treatment and this time, i turned the tables around - ate on time, slept on time, indulged in singing, dancing, comedy shows, reading a comic book. And trust me, seeing me as me during the 'punishment phase' was something he couldnt take it and he put an end to it.

    I am glad you told him what hurt you. Do not ever make the mistake of not letting your displeasure known. He should know what you like and what you dont like. If he cant handle it, its on him and not you.

    He thinks he is punishing you by this silent treatment. Have you noticed his behaviour during these 'silent days'? What does your husband typically do during these silent phases? Keep a track of that. Does he go on as usual? Or des he do anything else to keep him occupied?

    If he continues with his life as normal without any issue, then why are you suffering unnecessarily. At some point he will get back. Wait for him to reach out to you. Talk only when he talks, answer his questions and go back to your work/ hobbies. Donot give him a second of your time. Trust me, he will be back to you when he realises, he doesnt have power to control you.

    Good for you! but please remember any thing you try will work out only when you stand strong and not bow down. I let my husband know that he should not and could not say certain hurtful things to me and get away with it. I didnt let it go easily for the sake of my family.

    And kids know what is going on in the family even if there is no yelling match in the house. The minute my husband and I fight, my kids know i am not well even if i havent even looked at them or spoken to them. Children are sensitive in that way. You are not fooling anyone by maintaining a façade at home. Infact, the only person who is actually suffering is you.

    OP, only you can determine if its wrong. Do you feel he crossed a line? Do you feel enough is enough? Then no, you are not wrong.
     
  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Silent treatment(ST) for extended periods is a passive aggressive behavior and is a form of emotional abuse. Going to silence to avoid conflict is different from this treatment. Its about control, to put you in place, shift the blame to you and make you feel guilty. So, its a kind of punishment as they find it is an effective way to show you where you stand. Its a very immature for an adult to behave this way to their life partner instead of talking and solving problems.

    "I have to break the ice and start the conversation"

    This is exactly what he wants, an ego boost, to indicate he is in control. Shatter this belief. It takes time to do anything effectively.

    First step is acknowledging the ice, but dont try to break it. As this issue is going on for years he will not change unless he get a shock or realisation that its not working.Instead you are doing that to your benefit. I think it's better to ' radically accept " that its his personality disorder.
    Its not about you. I feel a change in your response can make him change his behavior too. Be that change.

    Now, stop thinking in an emotional way, consider like playing a mental game.

    Best way to treat silent treatment is by behaving normal. It doesn't mean you go after him as usual and force him to treat you as wife or trying to fix it or go for 'conversation', but to utalise the situation in a beneficial way.
    Instead refuse to treat him like husband, only as father of kids and a member of household. I noticed that during these fight episodes, spouse stop doing household jobs or taking care of home. When they relax and wife struggle. So approach should be if you want to go silent its your wish, but you need to do all household jobs. You are not my husband, but you get minimum service applicable to roommate. In your case doing your duties as usual. But dont do anything he is supposed to do.

    I don't know your family setup. But, if today is the fight day and he goes silence, first try to calm down and gain a mentally cool attitude like " here again!!' ' who cares", see if you can talk in cold, nuetral tone, next day if you want to communicate something on kids text it or say it. If not go on with your life. If you need his assistance, ask for help, he won't respond, or look at you, but keep doing it. In my case, I ask, ' can you unload dish washer", ' are you going to pick kids", ' can you buy these".. Etc.. Dont wait there eagerly waiting for his reply, communicate and walk away.

    Do this every day one sentence per day may be a shameless approch, or text, but talking is a way to show you are least affected. Dont ask why are you silent, what have I done, sorry etc..or try to talk on issues. Have a cool body language.
    He may not respond, but if he do a job, thank him in a formal way.
    Keep doing it. Remove your ego. But if he start responding, then if you are ready you can say, I know you like to so spend time alone, you can enjoy as much as you like i dont care anymore as its emotional abuse, but you need to takecare of every thing as usual. Enjoy your me time.

    After this mind your own businesses, dont share your personal stuff with him or ask about his , dont ask permission if you have that habit, dont even look at him or acknowledge his presence, completely ignore him. Talk one or two sentence per day, not about you or him or fight, but about kids or duties. Do this evennif he dont respond ir look at you. But only when he is in relaxed mood. For example watching tv or similar.Keep an eye on him, but enjoy your me time.

    Dont beg or pleade , apologize, or try to resolve problem or go to them to seek answers by confronting or questioning their silence or behavior. They give the ball to your court. You need to put in back to their court. Approach should be to calm down, not to elevate the issues.

    Show them that you are least worried or affected by their game. How?

    1) take break as if you are celebrating his silence
    2) enjoy like @beautifullife30 e said.
    3) pamper yourself, cook foods you like, not what he like, if he eats with you, continue, if not keep it there, let him have it.
    4) do every thing you like but he dont like, including shopping or anything. Stop doing something you do only for him.
    5) go out with kids, order food for you and eat.. Spend time with kids, friends, whatever, be busy.
    6) create an oasis for you. May be another room with tv and all setup. Happiness begins with you, so dont handover its key to him, learn to be happy by yourself. Watch some thing that make you laugh and smile and go bed with a happy face.
    7) sleep on the same bed as if normal. No need to go to him as usual but its important to behave as if the problem is with him. No need to show faces, remember you dont want to be part of this drama, you are above it.
    8) dont take the burden of fixing all the problems in your life alone
    9) try not to argue or fight infront of kids, but you can tell them you are not in good terms. They are smarter than you think. They know these things.
    10) if he yells or shouts at you, you can tell him' you should not talk to me like this, if you cant talk with respect, dont talk . it's applicable to you. So watch your tone, selection of words etc.
    12) running away from the problem is not a solution all the time. Dont suffer in silence, you have to clearly communicate what you like or not, what you can do/ accept or not.
    13) dont talk or text too much, convey main points in a short/ sweet way.

    Be happy and bright without him. He should wonder why are you happy. Show him you have life of your own and you dont care about his inappropriate behavior like ST.

    See if he respond to your one liners every day, then start a few more still on general things. See if his body language change or he is back to his ' ground state' and decide if you can approach him or not. Or wait till he comes back to you.

    Take your own time, weeks or months. But be strong.

    My experience : I dont have much experience like you, but I wasted lot of time on this, especially during the first few years of my marriage. Problem with my h is he dont know how to handle a conflict, so he go for silence. I am just the opposite, I react/cool down fast, but can face, discuss, and solve conflicts or ready to do so. I tried giving back silent treatment for weeks, going after him, explaining myself, asking why is he behaving like this, but all these elevated issues during the first few years of marriage . So, I evaluated the pattern and noticed that he gets mad if my tone is different, dont like questioning, confronting or discussing about conflicts. So, I changed my approach, that includes not saying something negative immediately when he is home, think and talk if its a negative topic, talk only when he is ready to listen, watching him and learn when to talk etc basically understanding his mindset and respond than reacting. I noticed that if I communicate in a nicer way, its easy to discuss than complaining or argueing or fighting. Instead of trying to understand the point I was trying to convey, he considered these as a threat on his ego or respect or heroic instinct. So, I started not to participate in ST by not acknowledging it and behaving normal. This approach reduced stress and helped me to focus on my career, hobbies, kids and me time. I noticed changes in his approach and body language, and he appeared like he wanted to come back, but dont know how. So, one day I asked what do you like me to do for you. He said, can you hug me. Thats something I never expected . I said, you can hug me too. Thats how it ended. So, now a days, I use the same approach, wait till he is almost normal, instead of asking when he is ready, I hug him or he comes to me . Life is too short to waste. So, his attitude changed a lot, so is ST or its frequency or duration. He knows he only will get affected by his own ST, not me.
    So if he is silent, I will leave him into his miseries. Even though he pretends to be happy by talking to others or having fun, I dont care a bit, but bahave 'normal'( as mentioned above) till he is back to ground state. Once every thing is back to normal, I try not to go back and ruminate on old issues or brining past, instead try to talk in a better way or decide what to do. I consider or take care of him as h only when he treats me like his wife, till then he is my housemate, no special service. But, when we are back to normal, I can discuss the same issues if I change the approach. So, I believe if they are not ready to behave like an adult, we cant do much about it other than showing some maturity from our side. We can control only us not others.

    So, find what works for you. Experiment. If you like not to solve problems, this time, stay strong till you are ready to take next step. Try different approches. What works for me may not work for you. But, I use approach by @beautifullife30 on self- love to stay focused on me and unaffected by anything else. I prefer to stay happy as much I can. But, there are bad days too, but negligible.

    It will be useful if you journal a few things
    Write down on your fights during the last two years, for example, the episode ,its duration, reason, how it started and ended, it may give an idea on the pattern of your issues from both sides. Also, learn about 'codependency'. I feel that's partially the reason for your suffering.

    This time( as you are hurt badly hy his behavior) stay strong till you are ready to take next step. But, you need to convey that you cant accept those kind of behavior. In short, you have to show him by actions, not words that his usual tricks are not working and you wont yield as usual. You are well above that, you dont have any fear of living alone and have a life of your own. Also, indicate your response is towards his behavior not to the person. Understand that no one is perfect and every thing is transient.
    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2022
  8. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks.This is pretty sound advice.
    Though my head is a blur and I am a total mess right now,I am choosing to follow my (woozy) head over the heart.
    I am investing myself with upcoming exams of kids while he binges on phone and TV while at home.
    Wedding anniversary falls in a few days.
    Let's see what happens.
     
  9. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    Update:
    Work related conversation resumed.
    Anniversary came and went.
    Wishes were graciously accepted.
    Cakes cut.
    Smiles passed to the well wishers.
    The impasse on personal level continues however.Its been one month of chill and cold.
    I do not sleep well these days.
    Tears roll down my cheeks involuntarily and very often.
    I hardly want to socialize.
    He might have cried last night
    I could tell it from his eyes.
    But he doesn't want to break the impasse himself.
    It has always been my job and he is hurt by my omission.
    I am hurt that he spends hours counseling uncles from neighbourhood but passes on this matter.He doesn't have a word to say.
    His bday falls next month.
    I plan to kneel down in front of Mr.Mighty and accept my fate.
    I was an acquisition,an instrument to make him happy.
    It's well when I am doing that.
    Trouble starts when I want more for myself.
    I guess that is never meant to be.
     
  10. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Its high time you define boundary in your relationship. You have allowed others to cross that and have given so much importance to others. You are suffering because of codependency to some extend. Even after 20 y of this treatment you are not able to accept it as his personality problem. No need to feel guilty about it. Instead you are emotionaly reacting to it and subjecting you to more suffering. You are ruminating and doubting yourself . The moment you realise it and consider it as a game your approach will change. Your are suffering because you are allowing it.its all in our perception. The way you look at it should change. Keep going, let him taste his own medicine. Let him face his Karma and come to ground state.

    As I mentioned before you have to behave as if unaffected and normal. For birthday send a formal wish him, but not like you do every year. You dont have to over do it.

    You should be your top priority now and try to be happy and you have every right to work towards your dreams. Take a decision that no one can take away your happiness as its in you. You have allowed your h for the last 20 y, time to change it now. The moment you take his power away from you, your life will change for good. His tactics work only when you allow it to work. You will gain peace only when you get rid of your expectation from h all the time. You can be happy only when you can be happy alone without the help of anyone including h. It is important to remember that your life & your happiness is your responsibility. People care only when you care and respect yourself.
    Cheer up.
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2022
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