Defeated.

I am posting after a long time.
I am not seeking a solution.
I am just documenting for people ,however anonymous ,to know that the D-day where I realize that everything was a lie and all my efforts a waste is here .
All my life I lived for my family.
My mom a sufferer of NPD and the first exploiter of the goodness of my heart who ,I am still looking after in my house thinks of me poorly and badmouths me in the neighborhood.
I was tremendously attached to my brother and could do everything for him. I have realized that he was only using me to keep his life smooth.
When you are blinded by love ,you cannot see through people that well.
My brother's wife primarily got married to get the US citizenship. She got the kind of life and in laws 99 percent of Indian girls only dream of. She chose to kick us all out of their lives. And Boy! she worked very smartly at that. Full marks to her.
My husband's family is a typically exploitative Indian family.
My husband a typical insecure smothering Indian male.
I have kids.
I live for I have my responsibilities towards them.I'll see that I fulfill each one of them.
Unlike men I cannot just quit.
But really ,I just want to live alone in a quiet corner of the world where no one knows me or speaks my language or vice versa. But that is not an option for a woman.
So I live on. Here .Inside my cage. One day at a time. Thankful that the last day is over. Stressed that there is another one to pass.
There are so many more to go.

 

Am working too.
Terribly busy.
It does take my mind off for sometime but does not dull the pain.I really wish to take a sabbatical and go off to some corner of world just to process my feelings and reinvent myself.Would have done that but kids keep my tied.

 

It's hard when it's your own blood.
And they know that you love and care.

 

Thanks ladies for responding here.
Truth has hit me like a sledgehammer and it's is strange but other people, practically strangers and anonymous empathizing with you somehow is reassuring.
Right now it's like that someone does understand my pain.Thanks again

 

Looks like this is the biggest heartbreak of my life and my mental health right now is at its poorest.Sometimes I can't just function (even for my kids).That is very very unlike me.I was unable to make a CC payment today because I just couldn't.
From meeting my brother few weeks back I discovered that I was so wrong all my life.I loved him more than anybody else.He has been jealous and competitive all along.Since childhood.His dislike for me has always been strong and I just brushed it away as his nature and bad temper.He has poor opinions of me and whatever I do and wants me to be the lesser child.My mother mirrors his emotions.
I was the high performing kid when young but always shy and timid.
I was bullied at home.
There was no concept that made me understand what I was going through.
Family above your own welfare was the concept which was constantly drilled in our minds.And it took me decades to understand.
I did not understand bullying back then.Now I do.
This has shattered my already broken heart into a zillion pieces.I wish I was dumb enough to not discover all this.
There will be a day of recovery but it's hard to have a family who hates you like this.
My brother loves to talk me down.
I am the elder one,more responsible one, looking after parents and every family affair that needs to be looked after.
I am well respected member in my society.
But being treated like this and then discovering the whole undercurrent of jealousy and dislike.
I am drawing firm boundaries now but as a person it's hard to just know that you have no paternal family to rely upon and that too after fulfilling every responsibility with all my heart which traditionally a son should have.I suddenly lost my roots.Its going to be a difficult business to survive without them.