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Extremely Distressing And Humiliating Behavior By Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Moonlight89, Jun 8, 2022.

  1. Moonlight89

    Moonlight89 Senior IL'ite

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    I have been married for 8 years. The first three years were quite good with a few bad moments and mostly good moments. I am blessed with 2 girls. It was mostly before and during the second pregnancy that most problems began. He started criticizing me during 2nd pregnancy calling me ugly, worthless, no aukad etc, spoiled his life by marrying him. All this led to health problems after delivery as I had serious back issues which further affected my looks, self esteem and confidence and he started criticizing me even more after the devastating back problems. Since 1 year I had severe back pain and this affected married life even further and we started having even more problems.
    Now my husband has told me, my sister and my mom that he can't tolerate me as I don't meet his expectations in any department of life and he wants to be Separated/ not separated but he will have a 'other life' as only then he can be happy and stop hating me and stop his toxic behavior, gaalis etc.
    I am in total shock and don't know how to react
    The marriage had become toxic since 3 years but was staying coz of kids and found it very difficult to think of leaving him.
    Please advise. Is this normal?
     
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  2. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hmm..he seemed good at first and started criticizing your looks and other stuff from second pregnancy..

    I really want to be wrong and do not want to scare you but something from this post says he might want to have another life or he might be having an affair.All of a sudden he changed means something seems wrong.

    If you are comfortable and willing to share further details like how he is behaving and what could have started it ..we can conclude more.Is it mainly about looks he is intolerant about?

    One thing I would like to say is..his criticism should not let you affect your self esteem.Easier said than done but now it is time to be strong.

    This seems quite serious as he has even told your family about you.If he wants you back in his life...he needs to not only apologize to whole heartedly but also mend his ways...


    this is not normal .I wish I could help more but this is all I can say and waiting for other IL’S who can advice better.
     
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  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Its not a normal healthy relationship. I guess he might have an affair and most likely he started it when you were pregnant. He wants to blame you for that. Please dont loose confidence.But without evidence we can't complain. So keep exploring. If he dont have an affair, if you are not satisfying him in that dept( not easy with a baby, many women neglect spouses during this time, but not a good idea) , you can work on it. But you have to discuss with him. But be very firm that if he has an affair /EMA or plan to start one, you will inform all relatives and you will file divorce. He has to provide child support and ailmony. If he say he will manage kids, say you agree with that so that you can have your life. These are just words, so he cant take kids away with out a courts intervention.

    I think he is testing waters. Its time for you to be firm and strong. If you bend because you cant leave he will have misttess or sidechicks on his side. Can you tolerate that. Its a very cruel thing to do this to a spouse. If there is cheating, he dont love you or respect your marriage.

    So have a face to face discussion. Ask him directly whats going on. If he want to work on *** life he has to help you manage other things so that you can devote more time on it. Also, acknowledge that you neglected him and understand his feelings. Dont blame or argue, but be assertive and show your willingness to work on it.
    But be very cool and calm while talking and tell him that if he wants to go or think his its important than his kids and family he can, but only after giving you divorce. Dont be scared by his tactics. If he is firm inform his side and your side of family too. Dont go for seperation. He wants to have fun and come back to you once he is done with that- when he gets his memory of family or kids.

    If you have health or other issues consult doctors and find solution. You also can judge yourself, if there is any other issues thats forcing him to these levels of behavior or did you push him away . I guess, these outbursts are not random as he mentioned it to your side of the family. He also failed in his role as a husband. Instead of finding a solution, he wants to enjoy life without you.
    Its your duty to take care of yourself. But never gave up on you by his words on body shaming. You are beautiful the way nature created and you deserve better. You need to belive in yourself. Dont loose confidence. Takecare
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2022
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  4. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    I strongly suspect your husband is having an affair, probably started during your pregnancy.

    I am so sorry this is happening to you.
    Please don't be afraid of divorce, it is better than staying with an abusive , cheating man.

    If you give him ultimatum, he may leave that woman, but he will abuse you even more, plus he may continue affair in secret.

    I know divorce is a very big thing, but no point of being in such an abusive relationship for sake of society. Your life will be destroyed. Divorce is no longer such a taboo as it used to be.

    Whatever decision you take ultimately, your current priority should be to collect evidence of the affair somehow, and if you get the evidence, then think about divorce. Also keep all the evidence as proof for court.
     
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  5. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    This.

    Don't act till you know exactly what is going on. Hire a reputable Private Investigator with the help of your sister or mother. Take legal advice. Don't react emotionally even though you are in a difficult situation.

    @Moonlight89, EMA is a guess based on very limited information. There are many other possible reasons for your DH's words and behavior.

    Stay calm and get all the information before you say things that you may regret.
    .
     
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  6. Moonlight89

    Moonlight89 Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks everyone for the replies.
    Yes even EMA seems to be the case although he's not admitting in so many words.
    Its like I have been fighting a losing battle to please him especially after the 2 pregnancies regarding my appearance. He put so much pressure on me after the first delivery to get into perfect shape. But most of you would be surprised to see I was quite attractive and slim then with just a slight tummy. He would be like when will your tummy go inside every second day and that created so much stress.
    Then soon there fights about everything, me not fulfilling his ' expectations' regarding looks, home cleanliness, worthless, talentless etc.
    It became worse in second pregnancy. Even though I had pneumonia in first trimester he never really showed much care and he would call me ugly, worthless quite frequently. Even scream and shout and humiliate me in front of his mom and sis.
    There was one incident in which my sister was rude to him so he was very angry and humiliated regarding that.
    There was some stress on my side that the second kid was also a girl and he hoped for a boy. I had thought that would have been a last ditch attempt to save our marriage.
    In hindsight, I think I developed the back pain due to all these problems and the stress of having a second girl, toxic and abusive behavior by husband.
    My back pain and overall health issues made him even more hateful and critical and many times he would say if you dont get fit I am thinking of affairs
    etc
    Even him mom and sis( who lives in same complex) saw our problems and made them much worse. In fact there came a time when all three together would openly mock me for looks, abilities etc
    Sometimes I wonder why I tolerated all this despite me being educated, doctor etc. Truth was I was emotionally dependent on him, scared of being single mother.
    But now I feel like this separation( staying at mom's place) was long overdue as I am feeling so much freer and stress free. It's like my life had become a losing battle to please him everyday.
     
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  7. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP..
    I feel youhave had enough..now just do whatever you are happy with..You said you are educated and a doctor..Then acc to me half of the problem is solved and you can bcom a successful single mother..Go back to him only if he apologisess and truly mend his ways..
     
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  8. radv

    radv Gold IL'ite

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    OP you are a doctor so I am sure you know better. So far I know boy or girl is decided by the man’s part, woman only completes it and develops baby inside her womb. All this apart, his mother and sister are also females so what is about having daughters? You are also a daughter.
    He is only pulling you down.
    He is critical about your looks, how about him.
     
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  9. Moonlight89

    Moonlight89 Senior IL'ite

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    Yellowmango, SGBV can you please reply.
    To update the situation, since I separated, he has spoken once about reconciliation but not talking clearly about his ' other life'.
    It had become normal for him to call me fat, ugly, worthless, gaalis and criticism for each and everything from food, cleanliness of home, any issue you name it.
    I didn't know how much his mother and sister had to do with all this.
    Anyways my self esteem was totally crushed and I believe I got severe back pain due to extreme stress of his hatred, his criticism, his family's criticism and them teaming up against me, his 'expectations' which never got fulfilled and my own fears and insecurities.
    I am already feeling like a different person just by living one week without him and his family in peace.
     
  10. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Do what you think is best for you.
    If he wants to reconcile you can put forward many conditions like no other affair, no verbal abuse, no body shaming etc..If he is not ready to discuss, dont yield. Be very firm, if he likes to have other women in his life he wont get a chance to reconcile. But, will he agree or follow it. If he agrees, do you like to give him another chance and try for a fixed time and reassess it? But the fact that you are feeling better indicate how much you suffered in this marriage. You deserve better.
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2022
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