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Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mahathibhaskar, Apr 5, 2022.

  1. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

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    Negativity? If the mind set is questioned here, what about the experience we faced with our inlaws? What about the inlaws biased nature which is outrightly shown without any hesitation? Coming to adopting the inlaws way of working and living what to do when adopting them is very tiresome and difficult for a working lady? What if a girl is black mailed to leave her parents and do seva only to dh family?
    Instead of negativity I see a too much of optimism here on theoritical basis than considering the present practical siuations.
    I am sure every girl would have boasted about her would be husband and inlaws when the marriage is fixed. At this point of time even the girl would have built lot of expectations on her future. So what about her expectations and her parents expectations that their dd will be taken good care in her ILs house? It doesnt mean that a DIL should always work towards meeting the expectations of DH and ILs. And even she tries its never ever going to happen. And we have Ilites who are more than a decade into their marriage here to emphasize on the same point again and again.
     
  2. rosequeen

    rosequeen Bronze IL'ite

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    That's some harsh words against in-laws. I don't believe majority of in-laws are cruel people. The way they are seeing it, is an outsider is coming into the family and is feeding off them. Their son who they love is now siding with his newly wed wife and ignoring them. Some DIL behave like spy agents and report everything back to her mom. Worst part is unlike maid servant, DIL eats the food she prepares and sleeps in same house she cleans, yet believes and talks like she is a slave.
    In few years, I will be MIL and I support in-laws 100% here. The DIL is the one marrying and moving into another house. We don't live in a society where men marry and live with wife's parents. In law's house therefore in-law's rules. This is just like a job, I work for a company and the company sets the rules. In future if society changes and men begin to move into wife's home, then of course wife should have more say.
    Its easy to complain and whine, difficult to have selfless attitude and win over people with love and affection.
     
    mahathibhaskar likes this.
  3. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    If in laws think the DIL is an outsider who will be 'feeding off' them, then they absolutely are cruel people. Why presume the DIL will be feeding off anybody? Most women work outside the home these days and take care of their own needs while running entire households at the same time. And those who don't work outside the home pay their share many times over by shouldering the responsibility of not just the household but the lives and happiness of the humans in their care.

    'Their son' is presumably a grown man, able to make choices for himself. Once he gets married, he becomes 'her husband'. Parental love is not a replacement for spousal love. In a good marriage, a spouse is an extension of the self, not an outsider, and they deserve a stature above that of parents or any other relatives. Men and women who understand this make happy marriages. Sensible in-laws ought to know and respect these boundaries.
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2022
    mahathibhaskar, Anisu and Swetha52003 like this.
  4. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

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    Now thats some harsh words against DIL. Where else you expect DIL to stay after she is married? And you compare ILS house to a company that pays you? Sorry Madam, absolutely wrong notion.
    This fixed mindset that DIL has to obey the rules set by ILs is absolutely disgusting. They forget the fact that "Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi". And yes MIL cannot expect the 1970 rules which was laid to her by her MIL is applicable in 2022. Absolutely not.
    As I mentioned in my earlier I see the same "expectations" of a would be MIL like the "Expectations" a would be DIL will have.
    Why am I so strong in my statement? Been there done that.
    If the ILs have feudalistic, dictorial ,dominant, narcissist and male chauvinistic mind set then no DIL will be happy. !!! Period!!!
     
  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    In a few years we’ll see your DIL venting here on IL.
     
  6. RiaME

    RiaME Senior IL'ite

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    You said:
    Not negativity, Specially if ones married to an only son, inlaws become insecure and act like what not. They might be civil but will never love u. Doing things how others want, not like how you want is tantamount to being a maid. Although my fil has few times raised voice against me, I haven't shouted at them all these years. Have treated them well. Have done everything for them and that house. If it's my house, I live how I want. Whatever I do it's just a formality. Not out of love.

    You said:
    U never understood my point, why shd a dil do if u have a son/daughter who can look after you. I again will say no expectation from dil or sil. It's only from son and daughter.

    Even when am limping or bedridden or cannot do anything, will not expect my dil or sil to do things for me or force them to do.

    You said:
    If that's what his wife says, so be it. Let him go and take care of her parents. Haven't women taken care of the boy's parents since many centuries?

    You said:
    Agreed one shd have positive relationships, The serving thing, why is it attached only to women? Why shouldnt the husband do the same to the wife and her parents? Why it's always a women? Women are not born to serve others. Like the misogynistic Manu wrote in Manusmriti that women's duty is to serve others ( IMO like shudras, the serving caste)

    If I do some much for my husband's parents, I expect him to do the same to my parents. But that doesn't happen. All he'll do is he might give some money, thatz it. No service to my parents like I do to his parents.

    The difference is the girl works like a slave in the husband's house specially when living with inlaws cause things shd be done according to their way or expectations but the irony is the boy is treated like a king in the wife's house (her mother's house). Also I have to always stay with his parents but he hardly visits my parents. It's only once in bluemoon.

    FYI In olden days, in Bengali marriages the groom would say "
    Maa Tomar Jonno Dashi Aante Jachhi" which when translated means
    Mother, I am going to bring a maid for you”.

    But don't know if they say such things now.

    So basically women should always put others first all their lives and neglect their own happiness.
     
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  7. Dishaa

    Dishaa Gold IL'ite

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    Ha ha....

    My Father In Law usually comments on this myself his daughter in law is (I am Dashi or maid) amd my husband his son (Is chakor or male servant).

    They (both side parents) got us married so they can have full time free maid and servant...
     
    mahathibhaskar likes this.
  8. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    Let me help you understand. It's because of this attitude:
    .
    o_O

    MiL - DiL relationships are a two-way street and follow the same rules as any other relationship: Treat others as you would want to be treated.

    Parents using their own child as the rope in a tug-of-war with their child's spouse is beyond callous; it's cruel.
    .
     
    mahathibhaskar likes this.
  9. rosequeen

    rosequeen Bronze IL'ite

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    Chuckling, after reading some of the responses here, DIL's here will one day be MIL and agree 100% with what I said! You all, completely missed the main point I was making. What stops earning women from marrying a poor, lower educated man and inviting him to live with them? USA in 2021, only 29% households where women earned more than husbands and less 3% where women completely supported their husbands. This is what is making MIL-DIL relationship like employee-employer. Women completely refuse to marry lower status man but jump at chance of marrying rich/well educated man and move to his house. Then come to the house and refuse to accept command of 'employer' and believe they have become equal because they can 'earn' or they feel entitled being the DIL
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    If the MIL-DIL are employer-employee, what does that make the man? A product with versions or a service with gold to platinum levels? : )

    I am also chuckling to see that you quote the latest US family and custody/alimony laws and statistics. But when it comes to employer-employee relationship you revert to the old Indian government office boss-peon hierarchy and suggest an "accept command of employer" attitude for employee. Like the peon never looking the boss in the eye, tolerating abusive language and insults, performing jobs not in his job description... Those times are gone. You should upgrade to MNC level employer-employee relationship. : ) Smart employers realize that a happy employee means higher productivity and employee retention.

    Forget about employer/employee thing... a simpler and more practical truth is the well-known saying: "Be nice to your DIL, she will be choosing your nursing home." A more direct version of this saying is here.

    In the Indian context, there is no nursing home choice, rather the DIL has a lot of control over the physical and mental wellbeing and care of the in-laws as they get old and frail. Be nice to your DIL in your 50's and 60's and she may be nice to you in your 80's or 90's when you need help to drink a sip of water.
     

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