how to save a marriage

I am reading everybody's comments carefully because they samething is with my brother and her wife who's married since last january. He's in singapore and she's in india.She's working now in india. But if they talk , fight starts. We left it to them to handle the issues and now it happened that my brother is not calling anyone in our home and he said leave me alone. We have no idea what to do. Also donot know who's the issue here. Please help me out to solve the issue.We are really breaking our heads bonk

 

I beg to differ. I said I will listen to my sister's because I have lived with them and known them all my life. It may sound a little harsh but its a fact.I have known my SIL from the time I am married to my husband .Its not fair to ask to think of SIL as own sisters.I did try to have a good relationship with my SIL .Good relationship yes ,same vein as sisters definitely not.It takes 2 to tango and she didnt respond the same way. So I had to retract my steps.She did try to break my marriage and still tries to whenever she can.

We know the facts from your post. How can we assume things when there are a few things obvious from your post in your own words.If you are not interfering much in your brother's life its good as the situation is as such .Let me tell you my husband shares a good relationship with his sister and I do treat her well when she calls or we meet.We dont just respond to every post with hearsay . We respond with our own experiences. And please keep in mind I did not tell ,you completely break off with your brother and SIL.I just meant to step back as he is newly married.And I dont know what saas bahu stories contribute to your post.

 

H4HW

Looks like when you were asking for suggestion, you were expecting everyone to do some sister-in-law bashing, and saying that she has no other business but to listen to you, and treat your family like her family.

As chocolate suggested, everyone says what they feel is right, and what their experiences under similar circumstances has been.

All everyone said was that do not dictate to her on how she should behave. Nobody asked you to totally stop talking to your brother. I don't understand why you are getting so defensive about yourself.

From your post, I get the feeling that you believe in conventional ideas like the d-i-l should always do the husband's family's bidding, and if she's an independent thinker, she is bad. And because of those ideas, you think dictating her on how to treat your family is correct. Again, I gather all this from what you have written. If you are not like that, then well and good!

 

first my suggestion if u truly luv ur borhter then as u think ur sil should adjust ur parents and you, you should also defiently adjust and respect her feelings.so just allow them freely for an year lets them have their own happy life and creates lots of space for them to make them both undersatnd themselves.everything will be alright.:thumbsup

 

Hi,
My suggestion is to give her some time and this being a husband and wife relation, it is best for you to stay away from it and let them handle it. Do not force any decisions on her coz things done under force only result in some harsh feelings getting accumulated within which may finally result in a big bang. I hope you are getting me.
She has every right to get quality time with her husband and away from everyone's presence and interference. This is the Blooming time for them and trying to put them into a crowd is just hampering their relation.
Let them handle it. for now, you can just advice your brother to take things slowly and talk to his wife as much as possible.

All the Best!!

 

Hi, there

After reading all the posts, I completely agree with all of them who adviced you to leave your brother and SIL on their way. Everyone here has really given you a very matured advice.

Very often out of utter love and affection we try to make our loved one's life beautiful however with our effort we eventually end up making their life hell.
I am not saying that you are trying to make your brother's life hell but think rationally that both your brother and his wife are matured adults. Every marriage has issues in the begining, so let them solve it their way. They will gradually start trusting each other and solve it the way they want.
Remember one thing that once your brother or sister grows up, its a wise decision to leave things to them instead of advicing them whats right or wrong.:thumbsup

 

Hi, H4HW. There are two things that come across to me in your posts.
1. You think you and your mom have reached out to the bride, but she has not returned your gesture in kind
2. You are afraid your brother's life will be spoilt.
I have a different perspective here from what you've and perhaps others too.
1. I am somewhat relatively newly married, for the last three years. I did not have to move to another city and had continued in a line of work I'd been in for 8 years. Just to say a lot of things were stable for me. Even then, the first year of marriage was horrible, fights everytime, me packing bags because I felt I could not cope in the marriage, in-laws who were smothering me with love.
I needed the time and space to get used to my husband's way of life and HE TO MINE. These are a part and parcel of most marriages, mature adults sort it out. Mine was a marriage arranged by the two of us with concurrence from our families, and yet it took a while for us to get into the groove once we moved into our home.
2. A divorce is not the end of life, even if the marriage does end in that. But I see it only as a remote possibility. Does your brother live in the US too. Could you then suggest to him to see a marriage counsellor, either by himself or with his wife. I am sure a third party - family can never remain neutral in conflicts - can point out what the issues in the marriage are and help the two of them communicate better with each other.

 

I think other ladies are correct.You should give her some time.Say your mother and brother to talk to her coolly.Do you treat her like your own sister?If you do...try your best to show your love to her.
The answer of love is always love.Does your mother also treat her like her own daughter?let her talk to her and try to win her confidence.There must be something she is feeling not so good about in your house.
Give her privacy.Don't speak in their household matters.She is new she may not like it.