Why Is It Always Housework Vs Earning?

Bubbles · Jan 26, 2022

A thought struck me while going through @EagerForInfo's thread regarding spouse's expectations regarding sharing salary details when one starts working after a break.
This made me think:
If a man refuses to help out with household chores, why does he deserve his wife's contribution to household expenses?
Looking at it the other way, is it justified for the man to refuse to do any household chores if he refuses to take his wife's money?
Basically, why is participation in chores considered in relation to earning capacity always!

And if you want to add childcare to this mix, it becomes even more complicated!

Also, why is it that the woman has to shell out money for house help? Is it not an equal responsibility? Shouldn't women be telling their husbands, either you do Chore X-Y-Z or you pay someone to do X-Y-Z? (instead of paying out of their own pockets?)

SuiDhaaga · Jan 26, 2022

Bubbles said: ↑

A thought struck me while going through @EagerForInfo's thread regarding spouse's expectations regarding sharing salary details when one starts working after a break.
This made me think:
If a man refuses to help out with household chores, why does he deserve his wife's contribution to household expenses?
Looking at it the other way, is it justified for the man to refuse to do any household chores if he refuses to take his wife's money?
Basically, why is participation in chores considered in relation to earning capacity always!

And if you want to add childcare to this mix, it becomes even more complicated!

Also, why is it that the woman has to shell out money for house help? Is it not an equal responsibility? Shouldn't women be telling their husbands, either you do Chore X-Y-Z or you pay someone to do X-Y-Z? (instead of paying out of their own pockets?)
Click to expand...

I guess it comes down to how husband and wife feel about each other.

If husband and wife love each other, and they evolve.

Because they evolve as people, this is a non-issue.

If there are underlying tensions, then this is an issue.

Disclaimer: I have no experience in Happy Marriage, I am learning as I go along

Dishaa · Jan 27, 2022

Dear Op,

There may be some under lying issues or narrow or mean minded thought process.

In marriage whether working or not working both husband and wife do household activities.

Eg
1. Grocery shopping husband carries the heavy bags where as wife carries the lighter ones or just hand over the list. With the grocery wife if she is at home does the cooking work and get helps from husband or kids or house helps.

2. If wife is taking care of kids daily responsibility, then husband looks after their further education and homework.

The above eg is applicable for both working or non working couples.

This is a process where both have to work as per their capabilities for their better life and future.

brahan · Jan 27, 2022

Its all balance...At the end of the day wife and Hubby needs to contribute equally (net-net) in running the house Physically, Emotionally, Monetarily..
If one person is not able to contribute one way (say for eg:Financially) ,may be they make up for it by contributing more in other ways ( say with chores/emotional support/child care)
At the end of the day its all about balance...If one feels like they are contributing more than the spouse thats where the fight starts

Parry22 · Jan 29, 2022

In a true loving marriage, there will be no 'his money' or 'her money' , and at the same time there will not be 'his chores' and 'her chores' . But if sometimes the wife prefers to cook or is better at it, the husband must contribute equally and reciprocate by taking care of another equal critical chore , maybe like cleaning or grocery shopping.
Child care when called a wife's job is ridiculous, a child needs both a mother and father - whether its for studies, making them eat, or bathing / cleaning them etc. (unless it's a baby, then ofcourse the mum would be more responsible for basic needs like feeding).
The above is a idealistic view, unfortunately very very very few marriages follow it (not even my own), even though we all know this is correct in theory, in practical terms we ourselves cannot execute it, due to many social factors.

Bubbles · Jan 30, 2022

Yes, I understand the ideal scenario where everything is shared. But this ideal situation is not the common reality.
Men are infamously pathetic at housework, in general. Learned incompetence is the right word for it.
Yet it is justified, because he is earning.
All I want to say is that earning capacity alone cannot be a criteria for marriage? Or the reason to say someone is a good "family man" ?

Women mostly have to pull the heavyweight in a marriage. They take care of the home, the children, and themselves and the other members of the family, and then some finances (depending upon if they have a say, and if they have their own income or money).
Even in this day and age, we hesitate to say No, this is too much to expect from one person. (Myself included).

My point is, no matter how much you earn (addressed to the husband), you need to eat? you need to sleep? you need to use the restroom? you need to wear clothes? Can you not take care of these things yourself, why do you expect your wife to take care of the cooking and grocery shopping and cleaning and laundry and housecleaning?
Even if you earn triple what your wife earns!
My point is, irrespective of income, both partners should share housework and childcare. Whether they are good at it or not, whether they are employed outside or not.You want to outsource it, great, outsource your part with your income, not your wife's.
And women should insist that their duty to the home is only a part - and not taking care of it all.
Women should also be forthright and talk about money before marriage. If there is an imbalance in income, talk about how you will handle money, so neither feels compromised. Talk about taking a career break for raising kids, and how that handles to financial needs. Do not just blindly expect this nice guy you are starting to really like, to be fair and take care of it respectfully. Have a back-up plan for financial support.
Learn from our pain, sister.

I am confounded by how one can make a homemaker's situation work - if the husband is not understanding and cooperative. I cannot think of any suggestions there. It feels like the lottery?
There is an inherent problem in trading your time and taking up the entire responsibility of home care, and allowing your spouse to be the sole breadwinner. Where will you draw the line? How can you put a worth on you time/efforts? Aren't you just setting yourself up to be taken advantage of (unless the husband is atleast somewhat egalitarian)?
So maybe women should have living proof of their husband's fairness and respectful behavior and supportiveness, before they opt to become a homemaker, I suppose.

I know this issue runs very deep, and touches the core of gender roles, and concepts of respect in marriage. I see it as common thread wherever I turn. Couldn't help mulling over it, thanks for hearing me out!

SGBV · Jan 31, 2022

First of all, it is about how the couple plans to run the family that they have created together. It is a group work, and everyone is expected to give their 100% to the family based on what they are good at.

Traditional family style.
If a man is good at earning, but not so good at keeping the family then he should focus on doing what he is good at, and giving his 100% effort towards the family. What he earns after marriage is not his, but his family's.
Likewise, if a woman is not good at earning, but very good at nurturing the family, then she should focus on that. It is just another equal, rather more important role to run a family.

Modern family style.
If both are good at earning and wants to be the providers, so be it.
We live in an era where everything can be outsourced. Why complicate things?
A cleaner, a cook, a laundry shop, a nanny, a part time teacher and a take away Indian food corner would be so helpful to run the home in the absence of full time housewife. Both spouses can relax with a glass of wine at terrace after their busy office hours and it is perfectly fine too!

There is no cut & dried answer to this equation. From 100% providing to 100% nurturing the family, a man and a woman has many many shades in between. Depending on their comfortability and preference, they can chose where they want to be in this journey. Even then, there will always be some gaps, which can be bridged by external helps and services.

Providing or nurturing or cooking or whatever.... these roles are not gender specific.
Gone are the days when only men got to study, work and earn; hence they were the sole providers of the family.
Women mastered the art of cooking and housekeeping; hence they managed the home.
But, now a days, both men and women are studying, both are working and are capable of earning equally. Both have learned survival skills, yet cooking & housekeeping is not alien tasks for young men anymore.
When it comes to love, care and nurturing... the urge comes from the heart, not from their chromosome. So, both men and women can equally nurture their homes based on their own unique style.

It is just a matter of planning your lifestyle, sharing the responsibilities and working as a team towards one goal.
Each family's style is unique