How Do I Handle This

don’t know but I feel the girl is exaggerating her side of story . Looks like she is getting attention . I don’t want to overlook the main problem but doing brother’s homework and cooking is something bit too much for a high school kid to do . Usually high school kids are extremely busy . One more thing when kids sees the doctor they usually talk to them privately without parents . Kid can tell the doctor if they are undergoing any problems . Does the kid see the doctor regularly ?
If you are worried about the mom not receptive about the call just you can make casual call to just introduce yourself and tell her you called to ask her about their school . You may get an idea how is the parent .

 

Thanks for this post . Once my daughter told me that she wants to win a competition and asked me to be her helper and push her and achieve her to get the medal . At the end during the award ceremony another parent told me how my daughter complained to her friends whole time how pushy I was and kept forcing her to do things when she wanted to have fun with her friends . I know my kid can manipulate my words to favor her . Now even if her grades are bad I don’t say anything and just provide support and keep quiet . It is more like I’m scared of her .I sometimes wonder if some kids do things to fit in to get attention and they say different thing to parent and friends . This may have another side of story . Cooking and doing brothers homework sorry I don’t buy it from my personal experience.

 

I will suggest get your daughter out of this slowly! Maybe change the school or the place. I’m concerned for your daughter. The other girl may get over it easily. But it will effect your daughter psychologically forever . Just take care. Sometimes we have to be selfish! I feel that girl is taking advantage the good nature of your daughter and trying to distract her! Quickly take your daughter away!

 

OP,
I think the urge to do something anything is very strong within you. Especially you are disturbed because the girl mentioned suicide and depression. You are worried that what if you ignore and something happens which is quite understandable.

Though you didn’t mention country I’m assuming you are in India? Even though school doesn’t have a counselor there will be someone- class teacher or some other teacher who the students like and are friendly with. A middle path could be that your daughter can directly approach such teacher and mention this student gives away her lunch daily. And mention in passing that she sometimes says disturbing things. Your daughter can appeal to her teacher for help who will then presumably look into the matter and sort it out between the girl and her parents. She should request the teacher to keep her name confidential.

This may be a good compromise. I still don’t think you should approach the mom or the girl. I strongly suspect girl will totally deny everything and mother will be highly offended. As others pointed out there is always another side to the story. You and daughter will end up being the interfering bad guys

This is a good teachable moment for you and daughter to navigate. As Rihana mentioned daughter has confided in you. She’s asking you what ‘she’ should do. This is also a good stage for you to recognize that dd has grown up and can take action on her own. We are so used to doing everything for them since birth and that impulse to intervene and take charge is also what is agitating you here. Instead step back and advise her what to do. Help her navigate the issue and set her world right. She will also get the confidence, learn to draw boundaries and assert herself. In couple years when she goes to college you won’t be there beside her to intervene for each and every issue. Good luck!

 

the mom is calling her own daughter ugly and other things..the mom seems very toxic.
Somehow informing her directly does not feel right..
what about the girl's relatives, dad or siblings..or as many said school counselor is the way to go..

the other girl deserves help. after knowing what she is going through personally..we cannot stay mum.
The other gal is in a very negative environment which is pushing her to suicidal thoughts..she needs help.
your dd is a kind gal and hope something works for the other gal.

 

Mangaii's post shows that there are always two sides to a coin and it would be wise to take action after proper enquiry. You would know best how to handle this enquiry given this particular situation.
This person does seem to be suffering but we do not know what is root cause of this suffering-whether its a poor mother daughter relationship as she says or parents are constantly fighting or family is going through doldrums for some other reason etc. Eating disorders among girls hitherto unknown in India are now creeping up in India too.

 

I wished to not post anything in this thread but I think I have something to add.

I relate to this situation a lot because I had a friend when I was in 10th who had similar suicidal tendencies. He really felt pained with the way his father treated him. We parted ways after 10th and we were not in touch. A few years later I came to know that he took his own life.

I appreciate that OP's daughter and herself are trying to help this kid. If something happens to this girl down the road, there will be pain that we could have done something, but didn't. Also, the burden should not rest solely on OP and her daughter. It takes a society to bring up a child. A professional in this area need to be brought in and probably starting with the teacher/school counselor is the right thing. If there are any other organizations who can support, it might be good to find those. More educators in this forum like @hrastro might have an idea.

I also totally agree with @Rihana that OP's daughter should have transparency on the efforts being put forward to help her friend and she agrees ( and its up to everyone to convince her as well ).

 

This is a very challenging situation. I too strongly suggest the above. Start by inviting her home and get to know her yourself. Try to highlight the positive sides of the girl and make her feel confident when you interact. Never let her know that your daughter has discussed things with you in detail. If she opens up after a few visits, then you can tell her that you can help her or get professional help. Probably find who she is comfortable in her relatives side, and if it will help if you talk to them. Just keep registering whenever you can thats its just a phase and it can be overcome. At the same time make your DD understand that you are willing/doing this to help her friend so she need not worry too much and concentrate on her studies. Let her know you are trying your best to HELP her only.
Also find if your daughter really likes the friend or if she feels its ok to cut the relationship. Cutting of now may really leave the girl even more in a helpless state. Since next year they are going to be in different classes..it will automatically happen then. At any cost do not discuss with anyone about the friend being a lesbian.
I would at the least try this much knowing a girl is going through suicidal thoughts.

I sincerely pray that all three of you get out of this predicament smoothly soon!

 

@Thoughtful Thanx for tagging me...

@stayblessed you have not yet responded on where your location is.. that would make a huge difference to the type of advice you would get.

As others said, I would urge you to NOT ignore this. Definitely take action.

But keep these things in mind

1) Your daughter and her confidence, her emotional status and her 10th term 2 is the priority for you.

2) So, whatever you do, DO it AFTER you get your daughter's buy-in. So that tomorrow any fall out happens, she doesn't blame you - If some other problem comes up in life, she should feel confident to share with you!

3) You dont know the other parent - dont go looking for them to evaluate them or to inform about their child, do it through the formality of the school process.

4) Even if no school counsellor, talk to the class teacher or any teacher that you are comfortable with - or go to the principal directly. School teachers are much more equipped, have seen hundreds of children and even if there is no counsellor - they would have a formal procedure to deal with these kinds of complaints and issues. If it comes to their notice later or some situation happens, it could create a problem for you (if not your own guilt).

5) As others said, use this as a teachable moment, but remember that your daughter is just 15 - maybe it is time she learnt some life skills, she can cook maggi or get some charts from the stationary shop but this is something very huge... this is not something she is equipped to deal with on her own - you dont need to let her handle it independently - heck - even we adults and even school psychologists are not fully equipped to handle it... so be with her, cover for her, take the right steps along with her and keep her informed at every step.

6) Yes, we are kind, we feel empathy when someone is not happy - but if we dont know the other parent personally, we cannot judge them - it is better to let professionals handle the issue

There are several resources, counsellors in each city - especially with covid, there are several free counsellors for teens - I would suggest that your daughter talks to someone professional - just 1 session might be enough - so that she doesn't have any repercussions from this incident.

TL/DR: Keep yourself informed about the other girl - but go through the school - don't do anything independently, don't share everything about the child - just show concern about the lunch issue and that she has shared some suicidal thoughts, let the school people talk to the girl and extract info about the mother or about the lesbian thoughts.
Be very firm with the school that you will not allow them to involve your daughter and you want to keep her anonymous - this is the problem in India - even if you say this, the teacher might come and talk to her and try to get more info - that's why location matters... Protect your daughter and be very clear with the school - you are doing the right thing because you're concerned about the other girl but your priority is your daughter.

Hope you both get through this, and the other child is also safe! Hope it turns out to be just an exaggeration and teen drama...

All the best
HR