cunning Inlaws

Indumati · Mar 2, 2007

Hello all, I am new to this forum. After reading all the forums here I thought someone here can help me solve my stress. My main stress is my in-laws. Starting from the first day of my marriage my in-laws are dominating me and my husband. They torture both of us very emotionally. They are very cunning by nature who behave royal and dignified in front of others that they are role models for in-laws. But inside there thoughts and views are very dangerous. They try to point some or the other fault whatever we do. They always see problems from their daughter side which is common for every parent. They compare their daughter's in-laws with them and their daughters with me. But my husband who loves his parents a lot doesn't have an idea of their cunningness. Even though he loves them a lot they think he is not taking care of them because of me. No matter how much I try to be like a daughter to them they always see me as a daughter-in-law. They put so many rules you should be like this like that and then in front of his son they say 'you are like our daughter, why are you not getting along with us'. during my marriage they said they dont want dowry or anything from my father. They also told me that I should not take anything from them. That was only in front of others. Now they keep on telling me that my son got so many matches who are rich and offered huge dowry and they keep hating my parents as if they did not give a penny even though my father gave dowry. They try to prove and insult me in front of people who used to like me that I am not a good wife or good daughter-in-law. They are also interfering in our relationship now that I am not taking good care of him. And my husband started thinking thats true. They try to prove to him their daughter is a ideal woman, ideal wife, ideal daughter-in-law etc etc. They always blackmail him emotionally that they don't want to live anymore.
The thing I hate more is they pretend to be good in front of others and my husband. But internally they are mentally torturing me. And my husband has no clue about it. Whenever we get a discussion on this he asks me to keep quite because they are our well wishers and whatever they say is right.
There are many more personal things they bother me. Please help me what to do.

palak · Mar 3, 2007

HI Indu,

Very sorry to hear how your in-laws are behaving. I know it must be hurting you so mmuch especially having to live in such environment on a daily basis. But just getting depressed will not help. U laso need to become smarter in dealing with them. U must realise that your husband is your strongest weapon. If he sides with you, your in-laws can't do anything. So first stop complaining about your in-laws to him. Don't praise them but don't keep complaining on a daily basis otherwise u will lose his support. Keep him happy, cook meals as per his liking, never berate him or speak back to him in front of your in-laws and make a pact with him that even if both of u fight, you two will be normal in front of others and never show your anger to each other in public because your in-laws will definitely take advantage of such a situation. Praise him in front of others and when u are alone, try to create situations where you can go out with him alone for sometime, even if for a walk after dinner. If u have a mobile, send him caring messages through the day and don't berate if he doesn't do the same. In a nutshell, make him feel the most important person in your life and make him realise that you care the most for him.

Next your in-laws. Make sure you create a wonderful public image. Make sure you treat all guests very well, be it their relatives or family friends. Offer them tea, coffee or food, ask about their well-being, their kids, meet them with a smile, sit with them for adequate amount of time. You create an image where even if your in-laws speak badly about you, other people differ in their opinion of you or at least give you the benefit of doubt. If other people speak well of you, it will automatically shut up your in-laws.
Never answer back your in-laws in front of your husband and even in his absence, if they say anything, ignore if possible otherwise answer in a calm but firm manner. As for comparisons with daughter, it is natural but once your husband begins paying more attention to you, this will not matter as much.
Most important, don't compare them with your parents in your mind. Remember, they can never be your parents. And they are competing for the affection of their son with you, they will naturally resent you. Please think about this in a mature manner and handle them accordingly. You can even try giving importance to your mom-in-law and see if that helps.

All the best.
Palak

Varloo · Mar 3, 2007

Hai,
palak has given good suggestions to you. Do follow that. Almost all mils compare their dil to their daughters. Do not worry about their behaviour. Now that you know about them, do not expect any thing nice from them.
Also, you also praise them in front of others, like they do to you. And never miss a chance to praise them for even a tiny reason. Never show your anger etc. to them. After sometime they will tire out of their falso and come around to you. And never complain to your husband about them- he himself would not be able to chane them.
Do all the work by yourself and slowly take over the management of the home, saying that your inlaws have done so much all these years and now they should sit back and enjoy. By this way, you can make them less important over a period of time.
And, there is always a sunrise after a dark night.
All the best to you.

Indumati · Mar 3, 2007

After reading your replies I feel little confident. Yes, I need someone to tell me how to deal with these kind of people because I have been brought up in an environment where there is no fake affection or cunning behavior. Now I feel there are different kind of people in this world and we should learn to deal with them. This is a big culture shock for me in my life. I should be more strong enough to tackle them. I learned so many lessons all these years and still learning because I am still not succeeding in my efforts. Sometimes I get very much depressed down to my heart and think why I had to deal with tough people in my life.

Palak, as you said I already tried to praise him/them in front of others. But he doesn't understand it and he starts saying that "you are lucky to have me and my parents, my sisters are struggling for this life". which irritates me because I am pretending that they are nice and he instead of understanding my nature feels good about himself and his parents. No matter how much I try to be good, for him its his parents and his family who are good, not me. Our relationship is getting bad and bad because of this people. He doesn't support me well and I can't ignore that. Thats the problem here. Should I ignore this behavior of him and his family?

sandy · Mar 3, 2007

hi indu,
i am also in same situation,but wat we can do? we have to adjust and it will take time to mould u r husband in u r way,dont always think abut that,i think watever palak told is correct,fallow that way only,now i also learn like that only,but we cant do ,i know that,
so wat i am telling think in +ve way,and be happy,
take care

sunitha · Mar 3, 2007

Dear Indu

I see that you are in Texas.Are your inlaws with you here or back in India?

If they are not here,that itself should be a relief for you.Also,like varloo and palak suggested,try your best to keep out of trouble.Sometimes,silence is golden.Try not to get too emotional about all this and try to ignore most of it.

If you are working,well and good,you can keep away from troubles at home for some time.If not,try and engage in some activities,like reading ,crafts,tailoring etc so that you can keep your mind away from these problems.

AnanyaRam · Mar 3, 2007

Hi Indumathi,

I can understand your problem , but then dont be too fast to react to incidents. You need to completely gain the confidence of your husband before you start talking to him about his parents.

After all, we need to think from his point of view as well - Men generally grow up assuming their parents to be the best and that they can never be wrong and it takes them some time to understand the reality or even lend a ear to what their wives say...

Be patient and let time be best healing factor for some more time, and then I am sure you will be able to express yourself more better with your hubby.

Patience pays..

Rgds,
AR

safa · Mar 3, 2007

Indu,
While years passing every wound would be healed. Your in laws will not be remain as they are now. They will need your help for everything. How they could expect any one except you for help. I think usually DI-Ls take care of the In laws. So don't think much about it. We cannot change any other's behaviours. Better change ourselves. Do engage in some activities without thinking about it. No need to make your life distressed, leave them with their comments. Don't argue with your husband for this , it will affect life badly. For everyone , their parents are valuable. By forgiving them , let your greatness reach heights!

Shanvy · Mar 4, 2007

Hi indu,
Welcome to the forum. it is a great one.
First just relax yourself. think my in-laws are not cunning (no seriously, the moment you start thinking positive about them you will start feeling better, though you know they are cunning)
What you see is a very common thing that happens in most of the families. You can change it slowly. palak has given good advice. my 2 cents would be just dont react to what they say. if they say the daughter is good, you say akka /whatever is very good (it is just few words. it is not going to cost you much sans ego.) If they point faults, say will do better next time. you advice us better.
Most of the time it is just the possessiveness,the fear that the son will leave them make them do things like this. you can't blame husbands. they cannot think that their parents can do something wrong (for that matter will you agree if your husband comes and tells you that your parents are wrong.) so for that, you need a more observing/open mind. half the time, the husband will not be even knowing what is happening in the house.
Comparison..a great mistake. which should go out of the ....but we don't stop. we compare for marks, dress,everything. So slowly they will come out of comparing.

You get hurt only when you let others hurt you. be strong.

Regarding the dowry, they would have felt great in the beginning. Your in-laws may have met others in their age who flaunt that they got this, they bought this. (I know. my mil did not take dowry. my mil's co-sister she came and said you are fools. my dil has come with diamond ear-rings.....blah,blah.) Ofcourse, i am not supporting their saying..some people tend to become so afterwards.
Acting good in front of others. i have experienced. i used to feel bad. talked to hubby. he used to say my mom has got a rough deal in life (Which was true.since she used to taken for ... by her mil. my mil is no more.but hubby's grandmother is still there.) just ignore it.
From experience, if you go somewhere, just tell them i am going out. do you want to come. (most of the time they dont want to). Just give them more importance, by your actions you have them eating out of your hands.
you cannot forget all the hurt. but dont brood over it. conquer it. learn to be happy. My sister-in-laws today tell me one time, my mil just told them not to come to our place if they wanted to find fault with me. (It does take time but you can achieve.)
Believe me indu, i have suffered, more than what you have written. But with a little effort and patience (sans ego) you can achieve.
I know there are ladies who may feel why should we take it. believe me ladies, husband/wives do not comes as single entity. they comes as packages. you learn to accept the package as it is. (bad example but could not stop from saying, you buy a software package, it is not to your requirement/taste, you just customize it accordingly. the number of trials to achieve the end result.:bangcomp: - cant help. )

Anyway all the best. send us your fb's. dont miss out the happy moments by stressing yourself on this.:2thumbsup:

this is my 2 cents.

Love
shanthi

Varloo · Mar 4, 2007

Dear Indhu,
you have come to the right place, you can relax and pour out your mind. See, all say to be patient. That s the best way. It is not right to walk out or do anything drastic and ruin one's life. That will be like jumping into the fire from the frying pan.
I had the same experience with life and after 20 years I care a hoot. even now my hubby is like that- he always finds fault with me and blames me for anything that goes wrong. It is his nature and I cannot change it. So I just ignore him.
He was like your hubby, always talking about his parents and giving importance to them only. I should not even drink the coconut water when I break one for cooking - only mil should drink it. She was a chronic diabetic too. They wouldn't even let me talk to him, always calling him to their side. By the time I come to the room after finishing all work, he would be fast asleep. Moreover, he will go and tell them whatever wwe talk in private, just imagine. I learned to keep company by myself. He used to give importance to his two brothers and ill treat me on their cue. Now, he does not even talk with them and he has nobody except myself and our son. Even then, he treats me badly. But as Buddha said, whatever we refuse to accept, goes back to the giver. Keep this in mind and be patient. I pray that your hubby does not turn out like mine and he slowly understands you (let it be soon too).
In the meanwhile, pour out your heart here, you will feel better. We shall lend a patient ear to you.
All the best and keep your cool always.