Broken Relationship

Hi All,

Apologies in advance for the long post; but would like some perspective from the wise IL ladies on my tricky situation I'm facing in my life.

Background of my life: I was married in 2010 and migrated to UK along with DH. Like all arranged marriages my in-laws expected a certain amount of dowry at the time of finalizing the match. But after the engagement (there was a period of 4 months from engagement to marriage) my in-laws called my father and started accusing that they were not given enough respect during the engagement ceremony(meaning dowry); also claimed that my fiancé wanted to break the engagement as he was unhappy with the treatment (later came to know it was not true). I don’t even remember how the marriage happened, but it was over.

My in-laws have a deep dislike towards me for the reason – disappointed that they could not get a good dowry. (My father is the GM of a reputed bank and my inl-aws presumed that all the money in the bank belonged to my father!!)

My FIL even tried to get my husband to divorce me (or annul the marriage) in the first month of my married life.
Ever since we got married, I have a good understanding with my DH and he’s been my absolute rock, my biggest supporter and has been my friend and soulmate.
He came to UK for pursuing his masters and has been very financially supportive of his parents (this was before marriage and a few years into marriage too). He is very selfless – for instance, during his life as a bachelor in UK, he would attend university, work 2 part time jobs and send all his salary (except a minimum to pay his bills) to his parents. My in-laws (both retired) have been very accustomed to this constant cashflow lifestyle and would indulge in buying expensive clothes and throwing lavish feasts to friends and relatives.

DH’s relationship with his siblings (elder sister and younger brother) is also based on money – both of them would regularly ask (not borrow with an intent to return) certain amounts not for their necessities, but for their luxuries, show off.

DH is one of the rare exceptions who respected and honored his parents all his life; but stood up for me when my in-laws started accusing me falsely.

DH has a younger brother who came to UK to pursue his masters, and my husband (as responsible elder son), paid my bil’s tuition fees with his interest free credit card. Now the deal (only verbally) was that BIL would pay towards the credit card (he was working part time job). But BIL was irregular in making minimum payment towards the credit card and this had an adverse affect on our credit history. (we were unable to buy a house/get a mortgage due to this).

In addition to the credit card, DH would also give money on adhoc basis sometimes upto £1000 for many reasons – BIL flunked exam and had to pay exam fee, late penalties etc.

In 2012, I had a baby girl, and BIL got married though he did not complete his master or had a job. My cosis’ family have given the expected dowry to my inlaws and they have favored her to me (obviously)

In 2013, DH invited my inlaws to UK in order to celebrate my DD’s first birthday. DH sponsored the visa, paid the flight tickets and took very good care of them during their stay. BIL and cosis also came to our house for DD first birthday. MIL took the opportunity of the audience and started verbal abuse of my DH – you never took care of us, and me – did not cook food for us etc etc.

In reality, I was working full time- would prepare breakfast, lunch and go to office and after coming home, would cook dinner.( I wouldn’t even get time to take care of DD). DH got offended and asked what their expectations were. Somehow the talks turned to arguments, and not before long, there was swearing and screaming. I am prone to anxiety and don’t take such situations very well. I collapsed in the living room, DH called 911 and i was taken to A&E as I had a very high heart rate.

By the time I was discharged from the hospital, my inlaws left our house and went on to stay with BIL for the rest of their trip.

Ever since this incident took place, BIL stopped talking to DH and would not answer DH’s call/messages and stopped paying towards the credit card (mentioned earlier). We repaid the credit card loan which amounted to a lot more than what was originally borrowed. It took us 2 years to recuperate from the bad credit history.

DH took the first step in reconciling the relationship with his parents and sent some gifts on the occasion of FIL birthday and also paid for their trip to visit a foreign country on a holiday. This was in 2013.

Fast forward to 2016, DH invited inlaws again to UK (bearing all expenses) BIL was still not talking to us. DH used to ferry my inlaws around from our house to BIL house on alternate weekends. (while still on non-talking terms) My inlaws never bothered about the relationship between their 2 sons. We bought a new house in UK and shared the news with inlaws with the expectation that they would share our joy – but I could see their envy.

In 2018, I had my DS (I decided not to go to India for delivery to avoid all the drama with in laws). I struggled with gestational diabetes during pregnancy and had tough time with postnatal depression. During all this time DH stood beside me like a mother and supported me in all that I was going through.

We bought a flat in our hometown(DH’s dream to own a flat in India) with the primary intention for our inlaws to live there. My inlaws were living in a 4th floor flat with no ventilation, and quite dilapidated state (has no lift facility for that apartment block). DH was very concerned that his aged parents were struggling to climb the stairs and FIL was a heart patient. This was DH’s main motive to buy a flat so that his parents could stay and be comfortable.

My inlaws gladly move to the new flat but had a dissatisfaction that the flat was in our joint name – me and DH. We visited India in 2019 and my MIL on a number of occasions expressed this – this is your flat – you are the owner etc.

2020 – Covid came, DH job was at risk, and we started facing financial stress of paying monthly EMI towards the flat in india (interest rates were very high – 8.5%). DH has been asking his father to ask BIL to repay the credit card amount. FIL would always give excuses – BIL is not working, BIL is struggling to settle, BIL has expenses etc.

In one of the phone conversations, DH was very frustrated and said – he would go to court if BIL is refusing to pay. Then all hell broke loose – SIL who never calls/messages started sending offensive messages to DH. FIL and MIL started the swear train and made some really hurtful statements on DH – “I wish I strangled you to death when you were a little baby”

DH was quite upset understandably and was now even more determined to pursue this till the end. DH approached a 3rd party mediation service and BIL was very defensive, his statements range from

· I don’t any money to my brother.

· as an elder brother its his responsibility to pay for my education

· I already returned money to my brother,

· my brother is a fraudster trying to exhort money from me…..

I tried many times to convince DH to let go of this whole issue, but for him it was a matter of principles and morals than money. DH felt that his character was tarnished and wanted to clear it for once.
Inlaws have been spreading false stories about us amongst friends and relatives in India.

When all attempts for mediation failed, DH approached court to settle the matter once for all, so that he can move on with life.

During this process, inlaws cut all contact with DH – not answering calls, no reply to texts. Now we came to know that inlaws vacated the flat and moved back to their old flat.

This feels like the last nail in the coffin DH relationship with his parents – its broken beyond repair.

Now I know that without doubt, my inlaws think im the mastermind behind all this – DIL has turned my son against us.

I lay awake at night wondering why all this has happened, search my soul for anything I could have done differently – but its all in hindsight.

My biggest worry is if something were to happen to my inlaws, we would be ostracized or when we visit india, how awful it would for us.

DH doesn’t want to pursue this relationship anymore and says – iam dead to them already

Perhaps this is a vent and but would like some advise on how to deal with this kind of situation.

Kind Regards,

AM

 

Thank you @PurpleRoses and @MalStrom for taking time to read and reply.
the matter is in court - in UK and we have already spent a lot on 3rd party mediation and solicitor fees.
DH is not interested in reconciling the relationship - neither with his parents or with BIL.
Relating BIL marriage - in-laws told my cosis family that BIL is working as a software engineer in London (lies).
inlaws and co sis family have a very loving relationship (all due to money)
My inlaws get pension and have income from rents and agriculture (farm land) - For the purchase of the farmland, FIL emotionally blackmailed into sending money (this is ancestral land, how can we let outsiders buy it, blah blah).
DH sent the money to pay for the farmland, but never bothered about on whose name it is bought/or any income generated from it.
Truth is harsh but is truth after all. DH has encouraged this money habit with his parents since 2005 (when he came to UK).
But they felt it is their birthright to lay claim on every penny DH earns.

Kind Regards,
AM

 

sorry meant 999 (thats our emergency number).

 

@Patientone -thank you for your kind reply.
Hope everything goes well with you in the New Year.
Kind Regards,
AM

 

Hi All,
I sincerely appreciate all the valuable suggestions I received here. I wanted to update on the current situation.
The court case was ruled in my husband's favour and BIL was ordered to pay £3k.
We visited India last year and by the grace of God, the trip was very peaceful without any issues/problems.
The biggest surprise came in this new year. My inlaws and my BIL family visited us to patch up the things.
I have a new found respect toward my FIL for taking the first step towards reconciliation of this broken relationship.
I am sincerely hoping this will continue. As someone said maintaining relationships is an art. It requires time, effort and genuine interest in their lives. @SGBV (quoting your wise words here)
As we are now reunited we have frequent visits to BIL family (they live 1.5 hr away from us)
I would like to put efforts to gel with my cosister. But on occasions find we don't have much in common to talk(im an IT consultant and cosis is doctor)
On the other hand my DD and BIL DD have become super close cousins. I'm so pleased for them.
I really would appreciate any pointers on how to keep the relationship going on with cosis.
Kind Regards,
AM