Why Does My Husband Do This To Me ?

you answered your own question , . not sure if you realized it. your spouse has found a purpose ( i am not patronizing him, but he has found something that he will focus and ignore what he feels about the rest of the issues). you too had one , raising your children. now they are growing and they do not need you all the time, now you realize the void.

your spouse can also realize when he reaches some goal, then sees his parents, friends are all with their own lives.

i am not sure if any IL can answer this for you. Atleast i cannot. i see only few ways, communicate to him and practise some activities so that he connects with you emotionally. then build up. otherwise sorry, not sure what i can suggest.

 

Do you love your spouse? Do you want this marriage to work?
Now its just co-existence, not marriage or relationship.
He don't feel comfortable talking to you or taking you for granted. Obviously he is not 'in love' with you. The needs of every person from a marriage is different. Some want a secure life with family/kids/a wife as service provider. Some want a romantic loving relationship, there are people who need a trophy wife , another group want only financial or materialistic comfort. It differs from person to person. What does your husband want. He only knows.

If you cannot talk and communicate, its very difficult to have any kind of bond or friendship or emotional intimacy, what about physical intimacy. Is there anything? If not, its tough for most men to have any connection with wife. Obviously, there is some love or connection or he is happy with the things you bring to the table, that's why he is still in this marriage. For him you and kids are part of his life, not his life. But he thinks that you are trying to cling to him and don't have a life of your own. Give him space and take your space too. I am sure you do. Just mentioned it.

He is doing what he likes and for his happiness. You can self-introspect what you want.

"I immediately bang the door and come out of his room" Isn't it a negative reaction. What about your tone (just record and listen, it will give you some idea. Soften it a bit. Learn to talk in a calm, composed way & to the point ), facial expression and body language. What type of emotions you created in him by this reaction. You can control only you.

"go to his room" why is there his room and your room? That's the one thing that increase the gap between you too. Men need respect and admiration, women need a good listener and caring person. There is a basic difference there. Everyone needs respect and love. Stop going after him. Talk only when he is ready to listen. If its important text him or call him over phone when he is not with you. But talk only a few sentences.

When he reach home, leave him for at least 1-hour. Most men need rewinding time. Then involve him in family matters. Ask for his help ( watch tone, can you help me with this... ? I need your help ...... use I instead of you when you express your feelings) with kids or anything. If you guys eat food together, share good news there. Watch your tone. Text bad news, if any. Also try to learn how to communicate in minimum sentences to the point.
The basis of a successful marriage is friendship. You said in another post, he was away for a long time. So he is independent and don't need you to make him happy. But now you realized it. That's a good start.

But its also important to protect you boundaries too. I guess there is no other issues like AAA(abuse, addiction, adultery) and in that case you can have some effort from your side. You cannot force him to love you, listen to you or anything. Only you can control your response. Sometimes, efforts by one person can have an impact on marriage. But in long run both of your efforts are needed. Learn to smile to him. That make him wonder why you are happy. Also most normal men cannot resist a happy, pleasant, positive wife. They avoid negative, nagging person. If you are in cordial terms and no other issue, try to hug, kiss and touch him often. Don't expect anything back. Do it for you. Also observe what he likes and fine tune your responses. You can ask; why I need to do; why cant he? But we can suggest it only to you.

Like others suggested, the marriage and its format changes with time, but if there is love and sincerity from both sides, its heaven on earth. If not its just survival or hell. In any case, self care and love is very important. Its very important to have a life of your own. It take time to build it. So take some effort to build your life. Be your best version. Wear good clothes, look and smell good. I remember your old post on health related topic. Consult specialists and take care of you well. Do a blood check at least once in a year.

Take care of kids & home. As you have job now invest money well, outsource, cleaning etc. so that you can spend that time for anything else. Mean time, have a cordial relation with him. Its important to have a positive environment and positive out look in your life. Build your own career too. Be an independent and confident person. Don't share each and everything with him or be available 24h to him. Learn to say NO wherever its needed but in a neutral way. If he is not ready to share his family (parents & relatives) business, do the same with your side too. Take care of your parents in whatever way you want it. Avoid any talk on it. Only actions, no words. Same in your marriage life. Think from his side too, why he should come to you.

Its very clear that your husband is not 'into' you. Accept it. So lower your expectations, with detachment. Do things unconditionally. Try slowly to bond with him. Don't expect wonders. Men take time to notice change in their own home. So be patient. The following video (many other videos in YouTube) I noticed on smart contact may help you. There is nothing to loose by trying to make your life or married life better from your side. At least you will have a satisfaction that you noticed the void in the right time and did your part well. Else, when we became old, we will regret it. Time cannot be reversed. Also, focus on physical intimacy. I have noticed that all happy couples have good bedroom life and friendship. The positive hormones created during s** life some how help bonding too . Our time is precious. We don't have much youthful time. Don't waste it.

Anyway, take baby steps. You should be your priority now, as you are in survival mode. Ignore if any of my suggestions are not useful. Only you know your life better and we don't know 'his' version. If your plan is to continue in this marriage, ask yourself what you want and live your life to fullest. If he want to be part of it, be it; if not, you will have the satisfaction that you lived your life to the best, except the 'husband' component.

 

I really admire your style @DDream . Completely focused on the problem and solutions, never focused on the side effects like blaming anyone. God bless for the selfless time you put.

 

May be he need more time or he is avoiding you. Why dont you discuss about it ( as you dont talk much, practice, record and watch tone before discussing this topic. Ask him what you should do ). You can send your kids to him.I can sense resentment from your writing style.
Emotional abandonment is considered as mental cruelty and is a reason for separation. But in Indian setup its labelled as typical behavior and women is blamed for it and its is her responsibility to hold the family together. People stay for practical reasons as living in dysfunctional marriage and leaving a marriage has equal share of problems.

Only you knows. Good to call. So he dont complain. Its your duty to inform, rest not in your hands

Yeah agree. You have to ask what you want in this life and try for it. Do you want a husband or roommate?
If you want it to work, do your part by removing negativity from your side. But it take efforts from both sides to succeed. Chasing him will push him away.
If you have tried every thing and dont feel like trying, focus on your life, make yourself the best and enjoy your life. You have a job now, do minimum things for him, look best and dress well, build your circle of friends, have hobbies and have a happy life of your own. Your life is your responsibility. Talk to the point. Ignore his tantrumns and do what you want and what you think is right. Let him wonder what you are up to. Its not your headache. Be positive. Be cheerful.

 

I totally agree with you on this. Whilst they are happy to ignore you, they are unable to handle when they are being ignored. Though I think it is far better to be happy and content within one own self then expecting spouse or other person to be responsible for our own happiness. This is something we need to learn to be happy and contend within our selves.
Be your own friend and counsellor and you will be amazed at how quickly you will find that your spouse will want to spend time with you.

 

Its communication issue. Did you tell him that kids are not fed or ask him to wait till they are fed. If he still took them out you should have told him not to blame you later. Looks like he assumed it. You know him, then why you went after them to check. If he can take kids, let him manage. Its his responsibility. No need to babysit. I understand your thoughts, but try to improve your communication skills with him. Or you could have told there itself that you were going to feed kids and didn't know that he took them out. By banging door you also disrespected him. Its like slapping on his face. May be you should think twice before banging door next time.
Shouting at you was an unacceptable behavior. He should have checked with you that kids are fed before taking them out.

Positives : he took the kids out to play. You cooked food and was going to feed them.

Did you tell to him later that it was an unacceptable behavior even though you really appreciate him spending time with your kids. You have to do that in a good way. First tell good things then mention what you cant accept. Use "I" instead of "you".

Both of you negatively contributed to this situation. You gave him so much power by reacting instead of giving a proper response.

As you are working your are eligible for EAP. Ask your employer about it. They provide free sessions for counseling ( if you can find someone who can understand Indian marriage) . Do it for yourself. May be talking to a counselor help you to vent out your bottled up negative emotions and helps to gain clarity or be your own counselor.