Am I Doing Right Or Wrong?

It is a tough situation to be in. Whether you give up the property or insist on your share, both will bring you roughly about the same peace of mind and unresolved angst.

Morally and legally, you are perfectly right to ask for your share. Practically, if your brother is not going to play fair, you are looking at years of arguments over phone and in-person, maybe court visits, while the property stays as is, and maybe languishes. All this will tell on you as a mother, wife and your performance at work. Consider a middle option: You sign off the rights to your share if in return your brother donates a significant sum of money to a charitable organization your parents would have cared about. The organization can build a room or procure other things in the name of your parents.

Once the children are 18+ or 21+, it is natural for the family relationships even in the most loving families to take on a slight transactional nature. In your case, there is no one way to calculate what you got and what you were cheated out of or double charged. The mind will keep redoing the calculations it has been doing for years, and as time goes by, how you look at it will continue to change. A few things that struck me from your narration.. mentioning them so you can factor them into your ruminations as you deem fit.

Your father offered you a choice of spending the 5 lakhs on education or marriage. This is a choice not often offered to girls in families with limited resources. That proved to be a turning point in your life, in retrospect.

Your mother's jewelry that you say she wanted only you to have -- was it a decision she took with everyone's agreement? Was it a permanent decision or did she pass away unexpectedly before your brother got married and his wife, children came along into the family? How right was it that your father had to use foul language to extract the jewelry from you? Given the sentimental value of the jewelry, could you have offered to share it with your brother?

Once you moved to the U.S., all the responsibility of your parents, including the companionship they need when still healthy fell on your brother. Till one year before his death, your father did live with your brother. Presumably, some of this this time also coincided with your brother's newly married years?

You did not help with your father's funeral expenses. I am so very sorry you had to even take such a decision. One can only begin to imagine the mind-numbing pain and sleepless nights that precede such a decision - to not send money when you can afford it. But try to consider how that might look to others. You are where you are because your father funded your M.S. in the U.S. He took a risk. There was no guarantee you would be able to pay it back.

"this is un heard of in indian hindu culture that daughter spends for dad's last rights. I did not spend on purpose since I wanted my brother to take responsibility at least once in his life towards parents."
Once your father spent on your education like people usually do on a son's education, and then forced you to pay in back in endless ways, he pretty much treated you like a son - educate and then treat him like an ATM. : ) Your parents moved away from Hindu culture in sending you abroad for studies at their expense. Cherry-picking parts of the culture that suit you and ignoring the others... why?

Aim for being practical and for making a choice that you can live with for the rest of your life. If it is feasible, have a heartfelt conversation with your husband. See what he says. Sometimes men have a knack for wading through the emotion and pointing out the facts.

That idea of your brother donates to a charitable organization in return for you signing off the rights - it sounds nice in theory. Been there, tried that. Most likely he won't agree. Even if he says yes, its implementation will be only a tiny bit easier than court battles. He will have to come up with money and give to charity before he gets any money from the property.

If I were in your place, I would do this - write off the property in my mind but not sign any documents. He can only get rent from it or live in it, will not be able to sell it or get a loan against it. When a signature is needed, give it at a price and with conditions you decide. If the property appreciates with time, your leverage will only get stronger.