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Why Does My Husband Do This To Me ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by EagerForInfo, Aug 15, 2021.

  1. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes. Most indian guys are like that.
    I am ignoring my husband now and enjoy with my kid.
    He comes and looks .what's happening?:roflmao:
     
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  2. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP, was he always like this? was there ever a time when he used to talk to you? Like newly after marriage? before kids? Do you remember how it was like?

    Assuming the answer to all or some of these questions is a Yes, what was your response? Did you converse with him when he used to speak (because you say you barely speak)? was it a one way conversation from him to you? Things change. Life changes. People change.

    If it was a one way conversation, perhaps he gave up on speaking with you? because there's only so much a person can speak without contribution from others. After 11 years, he is unable to tune back into you because he already has easy other who he is on the same level.

    On the other hand, if it always like this, then there's a problem that you both should have worked on long time ago. It is much harder to start fixing it now, but it can be done.

    Either way, try coming out of your shell and start talking to him. Even if he doesn't listen or pretends to not hear. I am pretty sure he pretends, because there's no way a person cannot hear when 2 feet away. if there's some good news you want to share with him, share it and let it go. No expectations of a response or reaction. Same with bad news - say it and let it go.

    Now do you start and end with good and bad news. No! if you both are sitting quietly (he with his phone) after kids go to bed, just make small talk with NO expectations again! THis is key! Don't expect a response and don't give a reaction when he ignores you. say t simply and let it go. It is hard, because it feels like you are speaking to a wall. But stay the course. given that you are a quiet person naturally you will have to prepare like you are preparing for a presentation. Everyday, prepare a couple topics you will say to him. Like - 1) what the kids ate or something cute or even annoying thing they did 2) what funny thing did you notice outside today? 3) some old memory from your early married life that would would recollect fondly.

    if he starts vacuuming, stop speaking and say it again when he is not vacumming. how many times will he vacuum the same place?

    Stay calm. because you getting upset is not changing him. you have seen that. then why bother. ignore his childish actions and speak when he is saner.

    Otherwise, make sure your life is full and brimming with happiness. New plans, hobbies, learning.. whatever makes you happy. This problem is a part of your life, not your life. since your efforts will take time to bear fruit, it is easy to be disappointed when you are looking for success and don't find them immediately. when you are happy in other areas, these efforts will not seem like a chore/burden.

    Wishing you the very best!
     
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  3. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    If you could remain for eleven years unspeaking to him, how is that now you long for his patient hearing. It seems it had gone out of hands and you are used to his unspeaking and not listening to you for over a decade. You have kids and financially not hamstrung, how does his silence or not listening and cutting you off matters at all. Are the kids attached to him ? Did you notice something else is bothering him!

    Just be and never demonstrate that you are affected because of him. Something else I guess is there which for right reason you can’t disclose here perhaps. For right solution (s) from attorneys and or councillor’s, even from Almighty one has got to disclose all facts.
     
  4. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    I see some responses that say they have same experience or all Indian men are the same. That’s not great. I’m sorry to hear that.
    Some India members have mentioned similar experiences. In India, husband is only one among many, many adults one encounters daily even when homebound. The bai, the dustbin guy, the errand guy, electrician, post, presswala, other random people, in laws, relatives, neighbors, there are many others you still interact with daily. So you are not starving for human interaction.
    All of us have faced temporary situations where spouse is extremely busy and ignores during that phase. But those are temporary.
    I don’t think these situations are the same as what OP is asking about.
    I am a bit concerned our replies may be inadvertently normalizing a very intolerable situation for OP. In a western country often spouse is the only adult person one sees for weeks on end and now in the covid times maybe even for months on end. Besides OP stated he has never had a proper conversation with her in 11 years.

    At some point this kind of deliberate, isolating silence becomes borderline torture or abuse. There’s a difference between the situations is it not?
     
  5. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes, it is possible to normalize something that is disrespectful and unacceptable.
     
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  6. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    People can be manipulated with a simple phone call! They need not be right next to us.
    If you read OP’s old threads you may get an idea why most of the responses are similar.
    PS: I’m not in India!!
     
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  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Yeah I‘m aware... and the part about India wasn’t directed at you at all.
     
  8. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Yeah it becomes equal to torture or abuse..unfortunately , some people cannot be changed so easily.
    I have been through a similar situation and I’m not sure if such a marriage is sustainable in the long run. But we should make efforts to keep ourselves happy and mentally strong despite such struggles and not depend on husband to Keep us happy. Marriage is a gamble really, very few are actually happily married and content and in harmony with their partners.
     
  9. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Not true. Living in a western country I meet up with many people daily. Neighbour's, kids teacher, friends.

    Generally Spouse always holds a important place in one's life. So it does hurt with no conversation with him.
     
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  10. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    What can I not disclose ? Like I mentioned in several posts he was barely home for 4 years of married life working 6 am to 9 pm everyday. But my kids were babies so I was busy with them. Now they’re grown up and now I realize something is not right.
     
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