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Unloving Partner

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by amulya2020, Jul 18, 2021.

  1. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    What to do in a relationship if you are feeling unloved or you have been taken for granted?

    I don’t know how to feel or convince /console my self to be at peace. I’m usually a caring, sensitive person and only thing I expect from a relationship is little attention, caring (at least when feeling low or not well), be with a person to whom I can share anything without a fear of being judged, maintain a normal relationship with my family members like any other family. For me s.. is never a priority, a hug every now and then, be with a partner where we can talk freely like friends or well wishers, who can do little little things to make me happy or uplift my mood when low, summing up to feel desired and being loved. I’m not even a kind of person who much into shopping or buying Jwelers too or expect a expensive gifts or big surprises (however I like surprises). I’m fine if my partner is not romantic, or loving but least I expect is caring and sensitive towards my feelings or at least leave me just complicating my life.

    I’m married to a person that does not have any of these qualities but quite opposite of which I wanted, on top of he is this very boring, uncaring, emotionless strong headed, self centered person, does not have any sense of humor but instead his way of talking is either poking, criticizing manner or puts off my mood. He is neither much connected emotionally nor physically. The only thing he is connected is food nothing else in the world. But still I care for him or support him emotionally even before asking and take care of little things that fills his emotional/ physical tank.

    Now he is mostly like does do anything that makes me happy or keeps at peace. He doesn’t appreciate anything I do for him or doesn’t even compliment me if I dress up. What surprises me is he is in his mid 30’s but still attracted to materialistic things around him as a teenager or under matured person like looks up to women who are more white, lean or more beautiful, ( just for this context- I feel I’m decently good looking). He don’t have a habit of wishing on birthdays, celebrate or not even wish on any other spl occasions like marriage anniversary’s, festivals or New Year. Doesn’t help in any household work(expected very rarely- not even when I worked or when I’m not well), doesn’t take any initiation in taking care of my kid or make them read or write or helping kid learn to communicate. Most of the times he busy with work or remaining time watching phone or laptop. He doesn’t talk much nor listens actively when saying something.

    The only thing good about him is he does his responsibility(job) and looking after needs at home (groceries). I try to adjust myself according to his needs( follow his budget consideration, most of the time make dishes as per his wishes, do everything a wife does or sometimes little more). He behaves as if he is ignorant of my needs or wishes, almost be like took me for granted.

    Gradually I became numb to his insensitiveness ( I mean there are lot of things I can complain but brief summary) or emotionally strong a bit( with not expecting much from him).With no change in his behavior, I have started prioritizing myself and decreased the services that I do. That feels so much better and I see a very little change in him sometimes.

    My main concern is like I’m good till my mood is alright and I’m happy or positive state. But something happens or at some point of time anything triggers or when I’m low. That’s it as I said my husband does not know how to talk normally or pokes me or I feel like not loved. I will be flooded with all these negative thoughts or emotions, I start feeling lonely, helplessness and the sad part is I will be like this until I normalize or get deviated with my work. He never gives a damn to console me. Sometimes I even curse my fate why is this happening with me. Why some people are so lucky to have such caring husbands, who is good at least in one or the other way( contrastingly their wife’s less caring or might not make any efforts to be loved by husbands) but still be treated lot better or lot of flexibility in every aspect of their life. Where as I’m giving so much importance but still not same love and care reciprocated back equally by this person. Deep inside my heart I even start comparing with the person who proposed me before marriage(initially friends later proposed but didn’t accept to the fact parents won’t accept and both were clear on it and haven’t proceeded) who treated me very special and listened to whatever I had to say and always appreciated. Immediately my mind goes like what how it would be if that person was there in my life I would been more happier and I feel more helpless or low.

    so here’s my question, how can I convince my self to be happy or emotionally filled or be emotionally strong with such partner ?
    Don’t mind if you found anything silly or my explanation is very clumsy or not clear in some places . I just wanted to vent it out and haven’t rechecked it.

    TIA
     
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  2. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    Some people especially men in Indian culture haven’t been given that sort of love or exposed to those feelings as little boys. They only learn after marriage if we teach them unfortunately.

    your husband does sound selfish but then you mentioned his good points. Does he help around the house? Not all men are good at remember birthdays etc so don’t worry. You can build this up gradually.
     
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  3. Jamelia02

    Jamelia02 Silver IL'ite

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    @amulya2020 I'm sorry you are going through this pain. I'm in your shoes but with little difference.
    Not sure how much I can help but few of my thoughts for you.
    1. Have you expressed your needs to your dh ? Is there a transparent communication about how you would like him to care for your needs? For most Indian men, marriage is just a check list and romance factor can come in until you have your first kid and then we can be invisible to them. To such men, they can never understand all this on own. You have to make it very clear to them about women needs attention and care and that how painful it is when we are deprived of that love.
    2. Its good that you have started prioritizing yourself and less about what he needs. But is it a possibility that since you were taking care of many things that he never got involved. Did he get the space he needed to support/care for you? This is just a thing to think about. When you stop doing certain regular routine things, it would make him wonder why and that can be starting point for him to be involved.
    3. In my case, we have always shared every single thing with each other and somewhere i read its ok for women to keep some secret(healthy ones of course) which will make your dh curious about you and hence there could be some attention. For instance, on usual Fridays we as family used to relax watching movie or gng for a walk or so..my dh usually is happy around our son and doesn't really acknowledge my presence. I was little unhappy that i felt i'm tagging along with no much attention (of course we are family but little appreciation is no harm). So my girl friends asked if we could go out on one friday night and i immediately agreed and informed my dh just an hour before leaving and then he was like 'its Friday night, you should be with us'. All i said was 'i wasn't sure if you need me here..may be you can catch a movie with our son' very casually(without poking him) and that's when he became curious about my schedules and would say not to plan anything on weekends. This made me feel 'i'm needed'. Just that thought your family/dh needs you is simply makes us feel good but men usually don't realize and can take us for granted. So you will have to make small changes to what you need from your dh. Always remember, don't do this through arguments. That will only make them retract from you. Also, may be sometimes you can pretend he is invisible and keep doing your stuff which can possibly drive him closer to you.
    4. Start participating in some new classes. It could be anything that you like... like art, yoga, tennis class, or read books etc. Have time for you and take care of yourself. That can create lot more respect and can help fill the gap.

    hope this helps!
     
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  4. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    There is a similar situation in my case..
    It has worsened during pandemic ..
    Few suggestions to get over this feeling of being unloved...
    1. Focusing more on career...when you’re occupied with work you don’t have much time for sentimental thoughts
    2. Having an active social life, and meeting people other than immediate family ..such as friends, colleagues , etc..
    3. Having your own interested and hobbies that are emotionally fulfilling
    4. Pampering yourself and focusing your self grooming for yourself and not to impress husband.
    During pandemic it becomes tough to meet people other than immediate family members due to Covid reasons..that’s why husbands tend to take wives for granted and expect them more to attend to them always and don’t show regard.
    In general what i listed were things which I felt are helpful in dealing with patterned who take some you for granted and not showing affection as expected.
     
  5. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    Yes, he does the bare minimum things that he can do(earning, does laundry work) . No, he not at help in household but all the things( most of the time) has to be brought to him and does nagging if any thing is not organized etc. It’s not just about wishing on birthdays, there r few really bothering things about him( relation with my parents- he had a big fight with them and doesn’t talk till now). In general, His behavior and way of talking itself very demotivating and hurtful.

    As with time passed, I have learned to not give much attention to his negative vibration. So if my mood is good, I don’t think much about it but if something hits me deeper I’m become the kind of person I mentioned. Overthinking is the major drawback for me, which I should definitely work on.
     
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  6. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    1. Not completely but yes a few times I told him. That few things also he says that he understood but does the same, which sometimes make me feel bad. I don’t want to explain him each and every time about the little little things as those might be easily done with even a roommate. I feel at least few things has to understand by himself. But with what said is right, May be whenever it’s good time I should tell him more often about my thoughts.

    2. yes I did, that’s the only things worked for me. Atleast he is making an effort to what I say and changed a little bit.

    3. Interesting, May be this I should do more. Usually I tell him each and everything before doing. Ask him what to cook for bf/lunch. Tell my plans etc. I’m trying to limit my urge to tell or ask him everything. I will try to do it more.

    4. Yes surely, will do it. Thank you for the suggestions.
     
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  7. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    True, what you have all mentioned are true. I will keep these things in my mind. Thank you for the suggestions.
     
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  8. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    Physical tank filling? Hahaha... very droll. However, however... please ask yourself why he should behave differently? What is the incentive? How long has this behavior been going on --years of married life-- without you thinking about such things?
    The OP does not mention any child/ren. Isn't it best to keep the romance factor coming in as long as necessary, before letting the inevitable come into the life? Family planning is so key in such cases. The ONE important lesson this subforum teaches: No need to get additional burdens when the current life is less than ideal.
     
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  9. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    My bad, the line should have ended with just emotional tank. Yes, I have 1 kid.
     
  10. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    Congratulations!

    "Married couple should have children after they get to know one another well, find each other quite affectionate, and so forth, so that children will have a loving home"

    is one school of thought, whereas, the contrary view would be to contend that

    "most marriages would be sub-par in mutual understanding, and affections, and rife with sufficient problems pulling the two apart to the edge of divorce, the best prophylactic to avoid all that is to create a child right pronto, soon after the marriage if feasible, so that no matter how terrible the marriage is, the couple might minimize open and flagrant conflicts in front of the child, and there'd be no divorce at least until the child is a legal adult"

    The sub-optimal married life is more common than the ideal situation, at all levels of social/economic classes. Even Melinda Gates, waited in a bad marriage for 18 years before she can chuck Bill out of her marriage.

    Although you may see public displays of affection between married couples, adjusted for the norms of the local culture, you can rest assured that most of that could be fake, or temporary. If you don't believe this, watch Melinda touch Bill on his arm, and send him a loving glance, in an interview on youtube that is not too old. Or Hillary Clinton hugging Bill in some public venue. This would certainly help quell such questions as:
    The following is still quite valid.... be careful, and practice the necessary precautions. Other IL'ites had suggested "focus on yourself" -- protecting yourself from additional entanglements is a major part of that. If you believe your husband to be self-focussed, pragmatic, unromantic, etc. etc., you may take what are the positives, and safeguard yourself. Your happiness has to depend on what you do, and not what others do to/for you.
     
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2021
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