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How To Deal With Some Irritants Due To Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sweety127, Jul 5, 2021.

  1. sweety127

    sweety127 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    MIL is at my place and am not sure how long she is going to stay. MIL is irritating and I dont have a great past with her. I had issues, she stayed at SIL's home for few years and is back now once situation is cooled off citing medical reasons. I have lost my personal space already and not sure when I am going to blow up given my demanding job and studies. I am also not sure of her duration of stay as she does not have a place of her own. She either stays at son or daughter's place. Need some ideas how ladies are coping up with situations like these:

    Food related:

    1) MIL sits in the dinning table and starts complaining about food(which she did not cook). She wants it spicy but H and kid cant take spicy food. So I ensure that food is neither too spicy nor bland. She then doesn't eat it and eat rice with water (showing off to son about her pathetic state). All the dal, subzi will go waste. I have to throw it in dustbin which I hate.
    2) If dal, subzi is in less quantities she complains about it in the dinning table and again eat rice with water or rasam after so much drama. The food will still be left over and I have to throw it in the garbage again
    3) If she doesn't like dal/ some gravies for rice that is prepared she will make lemon rice in large quantities and force us to eat. I eat little and stop but my H and kid eats out of obligation and their stomach is already full without touching the dal, gravies etc. I have to throw all those again.

    I hate throwing food away and keep planning for the entire night!! (By the way she wont eat/ allow her son to eat food kept in fridge. Even if H is ready to serve himself she wont allow so I have stopped eating dinner with the mother-son duo. My H has a hand injury and cant take the food for himself in a plate. He eats what is served on the plate watching tv. She serves only the subzi which she feels is good and royally ignore all other food kept on the table which again leads to wastage.).

    How to minimize wastage with choosy eaters like my MIL?

    General:
    1) Keeps talking continuously without closing mouth as soon as I come from office nonstop. I cant watch TV, relax a bit or spend some quality time with kid. Even if I ignore, she keeps talking right into my ears. I have to run to my room to escape from her clutches.

    2) Interfere and providing unnecessary parenting advices when I am disciplining the child. As a result my child has become so complacent and whines for all things knowing that her grand mom would support her. Once I got so angry that I told the kid that I am not going to give any heed to what your grand mom says. I will do whatever is required so better behave. Even that did not put sense into MIL.

    Positives:
    She takes care of the kid during this pandemic when all the daycares are closed.
    She is empathetic to me when I am sick and needs care.

    Need some ideas on how to deal with this and some reassuring words. thanks
     
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  2. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    It's hard to deal with irritants during a pandemic. Every aggravation gets magnified when you can't escape the situation.

    By recognizing her value in your life, you are halfway to your goal. Empathy is priceless; let her know how much you appreciate her.

    This is a very difficult situation for anyone. She has no independence, no place to call her own. It can cause tremendous insecurity. If you want your life to get better, make her life better. Make her feel welcome and at home. Let her have a say in household affairs. It may not be easy for you to be kind when there's a history of past hostility, but it will be worth it for you. She will become easier to live with.

    This sounds like a control issue. Things will become much easier for you if you let her feel you value her opinions. Let her choose the menu for some meals. Ask her to taste food when you cook. Be sure to praise her input to DH when your family is eating.

    She's lonely. Ask your DH to spend time with her. Tell him to take her for a walk in the evenings. In fact, you can all go out as a family — let him chat with her while you play with DD. Insist on him spending time with his mother; entertaining her should be as much his responsibility as yours.

    Watching the two of you squabble is not healthy for your child. Tell MIL to talk to you in DD's absence if she has a problem with your parenting. If she won't respect you on this, ask DH to have a talk with her. You and MIL both need to be on the same page since your child is in her care all day.

    Ideally, MIL would have her own place and you could enjoy your nuclear family. Since that's not possible, change how you deal with your situation. Work with her to make both your lives easier. As long as you see/treat MIL as an outsider or visitor, you will be unhappy. Making her feel secure, welcome and respected will go a long way in making your living arrangement better for you.

    Good luck, @sweety127!
    .
     
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  3. Ria84

    Ria84 Bronze IL'ite

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    Do you stay in the same floor as hers or have a separate floor?
    Incase u stay in two different floors, do your duty(cooking etc), keep everything on the table and go stay in the other floor.

    If she complains of your cooking, ask her to cook herself or ask your husband to do it. Then she can't complain.
     
    sweety127 likes this.
  4. mohanmogi

    mohanmogi New IL'ite

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    Per my view, and from other replies n the post you are already midway in accommodating the situation. I am not a person who can talk and solve issues. Generally, there will be some accounts pending or being created based on the people's past karma. It need not be pointed to anyone as such.

    My suggestion would be to read forgiving affirmations which can ease out things over time. you can visit the below link: Affirmation | Download in English, Tamil, Gujarati, Hindi, Kannada, Telugu, Malayalam, Chinese, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Bengali, Burmese, Russian and Marathi (pranaviolethealing.com)

    and download whichever language you are comfortable in and start reading every day just before you go to bed. This should help you cope up better.
     
  5. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    My MIL has done similar stuff in the past...she has behaved in a silly way similar to what u described, OP..
    It’s mainly due to feeling of insecurity and loneliness and some kind of paranoid feeling that son and DIL will not look after her properly or plotting against her etc...
    Few solutions which worked for me was to let her socialise with relatives ( we had many relatives nearby), going for outing and lunch during the weekends, buying her gifts like saree , calling relatives home for lunch etc..fortunately most of her visits used to be planned when there was a major family function in our city..of course it would require some planning and running around to organise as we too would pitch in to help..these activities kept her physically and mentally busy during her duration of visit...
    Without these distractions it would have been very tough to manage my MIL..
    Of course, now the pandemic makes outings and get togethers a big risk, and cranky possessive mother in laws when left indoors 24*7 become impossible to handle.
     
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  6. sweety127

    sweety127 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks @Amica and @Needtobestrong I was so pissed off by MIL when i wrote the post. When I reasoned it out with a calm state of mind, I understood her perspective. I cant change a choosy eater at 70 but I can always change what is in my hands. I have now started packing the left over food of the day neatly with proper accompaniments and give it to a roadside woman who now recognize me with a bright smile when she sees my vehicle.

    To escape from her long talks, the first thing I do after coming from office is take my tea with her and talk to her for 10 mins. This has miraculously helped me and she keeps doing her things without troubling me to an extent that was earlier.

    Reg child, I have understood to behave with my 5 yr old which is a great eye opener for me and discipline her only when it is needed. I thank my MIL for it.

    There are n no. of day to day irritants but I wish I would have all the patience in the world to deal with it and arrive at constructive resolutions.
     
  7. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    Do you think she does it on purpose to annoy you?

    Food id just put chilli in her food
    If she talks then you talk non stop too about anything and everything…
     
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  8. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    How to minimize wastage?
    1. Do you have pickle? Or make a chutney she can eat with her food. Ask her to make it herself on a weekend so it’s correctly spicy to her taste and have with dinner.
    2. If even that doesn’t work it could be a power play or her insecurity to ‘show’ her son how less she eats or how she’s not a ‘burden’. Just for show or to make a point person won’t eat 1-2 days. Daily occurrence means could be she’s having something of her choice just before you return home or during the day. Or maybe her appetite has decreased.
    So day after day if she’s not eating and food is getting left over, then slowly make less for dinner.
     
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  9. sweety127

    sweety127 Gold IL'ite

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    @Patientone, ya these type of people like my MIL talk only about themselves and their ideologies...the moment I open my mouth to tell about my opinion on issues she gets pissed off on how different our thought processes are...

    @1Sandhya she nowadays makes pickles for herself...you are v right she is a very health conscious eater and takes nuts milk fruits etc in abundance because of which she doesn't feel hungry...the son doesn't know that or is too busy to even notice that momma is having something...he feels bad that his mom don't feel hungry and keeps cajoling her to eat one extra roti in the dining table..she loves that attention I think....unable to withstand this dining drama, I and my daughter have dinner well in advance before the mom-son duo...
     
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