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New Sister-in-law And Her Problems At The Ils

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by BeingSoulful, Jun 16, 2021.

  1. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Finest Post Winner

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    Dear OP, I can understand you. You are a beautiful soul. I understand that on one side you know what you went through and wouldnt want to put your co-sis through same sh!t but you know already and thats why you are mature and didn't involve into the matter. Continue the same.

    Tell your co-sister that in a newly married life, every girl faces some challenges. Things will not be same as they were around her before marriage.
    Encourage her to spend her time in bonding with her husband than thinking of her MIL.
    Let her figure out herself on when to be silent and when to reply back to MIL.
    Tell her mother to not call you and complain about your MIL. I dont think she should call your husband either. But I understand her mother's plight too. So cant blame her. Be polite and tell her good things about your MIL and tell her that let her daughter get adjusted it takes time.

    In short advice for you is - "Not my circus, not my monkeys".
     
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  2. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    I really wonder how the ladies here are advising u to stay out of it and not let her mother calll your husband..
    First of all op your husband is the father figure and was involved in the match making so he should sort things out or at least talk to your BIL as to how he should get ahead with his married life.
    Yes Op you are a bful soul and ur cosister is lucky ..but going that extra mile and giving subtle hints that you also had a tough time and how you handled it will do no harm to u and help her a lot.
    When a bride comes to a new house she has to face a lot of weird things and people and that little help can go a long way..
    I was luckier than ur cosis to have a cosis who helped me with those subtle hints and not comg out openly in my defence. She even politely and subtly favored me in front of ILs. Rest is upto you how u want to go about helping her and dont feel guilty as def you have to first see your relstionship with your family and then help her.
     
  3. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    And No not necessarily she will figure everything out bcoz u did..every situation is different.
     
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  4. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Finest Post Winner

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    Hi diva, i agree with you that it helps when a bride has someone in the inlaws esp a co-sister who already has experience with inlaws can guide her subtly.
    I don't know about others but why I gave the advice of not let her husband deal with it is bcause :

    1. Just because he was a father figure in helping arrange the marriage doesn't mean lifelong her parents can call him for everything and anything that their daughter might have issue with her inlaws.
    2. If its encouraged now, for every small thing she or her parents will bother op n her husband n their peace will get disturbed. Thy may have issues with inlaws if they get involved directly.

    But I do agree with you that OP can subtly help her new co-sis without being bluntly open abt her inlaws. That's what I told. She shouldn't get involved but can be there for her co-sis and encourage her to figure out how to deal with inlaws without being c
    open abt how they are n wat issues she faced.

    As later MIL can also play trick to get closer to new co-sis (many MILs do this - try to make one DIL scapegoat to get on the nerve of other DIL).
    Even if co-sis is good person, MIL can trick her into opening up about the other DIL's thoughts about her etc. There maybe a chance when co-sis and MIL can get together while the 1st DIL is made to feel like a total outsider and the mean one!.

    Not saying this is what will happen. Saying, this is one of the probability. Hence, its better to play safe for OP n help co-sis but indirectly.
     
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  5. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    But what i personally feel is there should b someone in family who u can talk to when there us a problem ..thats why match making is done through elders.
     
  6. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @BeingSoulful,

    In my view, being a person who had experienced this problem before and your husband who was playing the role of a father for the family, both of you have an obligation to set your cosis life in order. After all, you both have done so much to get them married and lead a happy life together. Perhaps, your conversation with your husband earlier was positive and he was understanding enough to recognize this familiar issue. Frankly, you need to be frank with your husband about all approaches by your cosis and her mother. In fact, you should place the issue in his hands and ask him what role you must play to make his brother and his SIL's life better.

    I realize your husband is busy with his work but he may be able to address it through his conversation with his brother. Having lost the battle with you, your MIL may be more aggressive with your SIL to gain control. Having built a great relationship with your SIL, you don't want her to give an impression to her husband that you have not been very helpful to her. It may affect your otherwise nice relationship with you brother-in-law.

    If I were you, I would take the following clear actions:

    1) Be transparent with your husband about all approaches you have received so far from both cosis and her mother. Ask him to speak with his brother.
    2) Ask your husband what you should do in this situation.
    3) Continue to have good conversation with your cosis and tell her that you and your husband are there to support her and her husband to lead a happy life. There is nothing wrong in wishing them to be happy together.
    4) You must avoid further conversation with your cosister's mother and explain your rationale for doing so with your cosister with the consent of your husband.
     
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  7. BeingSoulful

    BeingSoulful Silver IL'ite

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    I wanted to thank each one of you who took time to read the lengthy post & provided your valuable input. Truth be told, I came clear with husband the very next day. I just couldn't hold it secretive about co-sis's mother contacting and her messages. I gave him a gist and provided their perspective (how normally a newly wed girl's parents would think & be concerned about, things that could possibly go wrong if this is not handled properly).

    And to my surprise, my husband already had received a download from his mother. He dint share it because he clearly wants to keep me out of these things not because he cares for me, its more because of everything that has happened btw me & MIL in the past. He always argued with me stating his mother's behavior was justified with me & I should be the only one adjusting to her.

    Of course every time he gets her version of the facts & incident that occurred. He bluntly refused his mother could be at any fault. As mentioned earlier MIL is extremely good at playing the victim card especially being a single mom for many years. After this discussion with the my husband I realized I was a fool to be feeling all guilty that i was hiding things from him. On the other hand it was so easy for him to keep things from me.
     
  8. BeingSoulful

    BeingSoulful Silver IL'ite

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    UPDATE: After this episode I kept my distance with MIL & everything else related to her. Co-sister would message to check on us & we would talk once in a few weeks (family video call, nothing personal). She left to mom's place & stayed there for 2 months. Now she's back & all the issues came back. Her parents came home to be with her on her birthday & MIL created issues about some wedding gift that was supposed to be given at the time but wasn't given to BIL.

    Firstly, during the time of discussion MIL dint specifically set expectations (on anything related to wedding), she said you guys give whatever you want to your daughter & son-in-law & do a grand wedding. The girl's parents & relatives kept asking but MIL was very modest. At the wedding & after she was upset she dint get enough gold, her son dint get hefty baggable gifts from his in-laws. In a nutshell, she's all about money, all about how much she can get from others. I know this today because she did exactly the same in our wedding & all the complaints against my parents on how much they didn't give in the name of rituals, how she took it all on me in the first few months. Now, co-sis parents were visiting for her bday, it turns out to a huge family drama. My husband gets a call from his mother, co-sis mother is complaining about how her daughter is being mistreated & my husband simply says co-sis needs to adjust & sort it with his mother. On the other hand MIL gives silent treatment, make faces & never open for any open discussion to address the actual issue. She's the same with me as well. Co-sister's parents are very involved, regular calls to MIL to keep contact & strengthen relationship, visits from a different city (takes half day travel) once a month or so.

    This time too my husband chose to keep the details from me. He was yelling on the phone & when i asked he said it was very casual call & only answered to specific questions I asked. And i get a message from co-sis mother on how my MIL insulted them to make sure they don't visit as often & trying to keep the son & DIL away from them. Right now, i am just mad at my husband. Yes, I don't have all the facts with me. And I am not supporting co=sis parents either. I am worried about co-sis & BIL. My husband thinks his mother can do anything, her behavior is totally ok, the girls who marry are expected to compromise & adjust. Within family, their is no thing as self-respect, we should just obey the elders. These are his exact words. I am pissed!
     

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