Huge Fight And After Affects

Prabh · Jun 18, 2021

Hello all

I am a silent member of this group but from time to time when I am not able to handle all my emotions all by myself I am always taking help of you all .thanks for always being there.

This time me and my husband had a huge fight over the small issue and said bad words for each other and the bad part is our kid was also there so that affected both of us a lot.

Just a little background about us as a couple we both are short tempered but the only difference is he is more into silent treatment after the fight or even small arguement whereas I am the problem sorter and believe that we all become angry and we shd move on. He takes lots of time.
With the time our relationship improved . Married for Almost 10 years I understand his nature . This bad fight was almost after an year ... this covid had made us all home bound so there were small small arguments here and there for household chores or kids issues.

So after this ugly fight he took one week to be on talking terms with me although as always he never said sorry I am the one who always says just to maintain peace at home. After a week he is talking to me but there is a friction between both of us.
As a person I am also changed a bit and talking to him less just to avoid arguments and he is definately not talking much.

Now after this fight he immediately left my side parents and siblings family what's app group and he closed his side family group i.e my inlaws group also as he is the admin so closed the group.

After we started talking of a week I asked him after 10 days or around that I am adding you to the group again as my parents are asking me why you left and I said your phone is not working. so I am adding you now but he bluntly refused . I explained him very politely and requested him also and he said no at the end he sits give me some time. I don't want now.

For his side of group I am not saying anything as that group was not so active and he is not on good talking terms with his side family.

Now I am tensed why he is not allowing him to add to group. He is talking to my parents siblings on the phone Very nicely as he said I will talk to them but don't add me to group.
In the past in 10 years of marriage he is very loving towards my family as everyone also loved him like son and he respect everyone loves all kids but all of the sudden he is not allowing me to add .
He was such active fun member In that group.
I know sometime it's a small thing but this is a big thing for me.
Part of me is always missing and always hating him for this that you were also responsible for that huge fight for a small issue and now you are giving me the punishment alone.
It's being one month now and I am not happy from inside that he is still not in group. Today my mother asked me I am happy or not because I am not looking so on video chat. In this old age I don't want to give any tension to them but I can't do anything to be happy.

What shd I do ? Shd I leave him a msg that I want him to be back or shd sit quitely.
As per his nature he is stubborn egostic so can't expect from him to say all by himself that add me now.

He is excellent father and very caring husband in terms of doing household chores, giving me food plate etc.
He is awesome son in law
But now his short temper his ego is taking a big stand in bw us

Please guide how to move ahead
I want his old version back.
Thanks

MalStrom · Jun 18, 2021

Silent treatment is manipulative, abusive and immature behavior.
Why are you running after him to join a WhatsApp group? You are just feeding his ego. Act normally with your family members and don’t waste time moping.

Hopikrishnan · Jun 18, 2021

Prabh said: ↑

What shd I do ? Shd I leave him a msg that I want him to be back or shd sit quitely.
Click to expand...

You must RESPECT his fundamental freedoms. <source>

Freedom of association encompasses both an individual's right to join or leave groups voluntarily, the right of the group to take collective action to pursue the interests of its members, and the right of an association to accept or decline membership based on certain criteria. It can be described as the right of a person coming together with other individuals to collectively express, promote, pursue and/or defend common interests.[1] Freedom of association is both an individual right and a collective right, guaranteed by all modern and democratic legal systems, including the United States Bill of Rights, article 11 of the European Convention on Human Rights, the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, and international law, including articles 20 and 23 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and article 22 of International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights.
Your request for him to rejoin the group should come from the POTUS, EU commissioner, and the prime minister of Canada. [hint: use copy-paste images/texts] He might relent and rejoin.

Prabh · Jun 18, 2021

Thank you for the response.
I truly understand this that any type of silent treatment is abusive and by talking to him after his mistake also is feeding his ego and sort of making him as a king.

But here my question is for my family so I am confused that I shd ask him one more time because as per past different experiences he is a kind of person who will not patch up all by himself.

I don't want my old age parents to see their family breaking sometime if he becomes so egostic not to join even after so many months what I am going to answer to anyone.

Believe me in my mind I am sooo so upset over him that I don't want to ask him ever that come back but my heart is making me think to ask.

Rihana · Jun 18, 2021

OP, in your words, your husband is:
- very loving towards your family
- respects everyone in your family, loves all kids
- an active fun member of your family's whatsapp group
- an awesome son in law
- excellent father
- very caring husband in terms of doing household chores
- caring like giving you food plate etc.
- continuing to talk normally with your parents and siblings after your recent fight

Prabh said: ↑

... we both are short tempered but the only difference is he is more into silent treatment after the fight or even small arguement whereas I am the problem sorter and believe that we all become angry and we shd move on. He takes lots of time. '
Click to expand...

So after this ugly fight he took one week to be on talking terms with me although as always he never said sorry I am the one who always says just to maintain peace at home.
Click to expand...

After a week he is talking to me but there is a friction between both of us.
As a person I am also changed a bit and talking to him less just to avoid arguments and he is definately not talking much.
Click to expand...

You both have different ways of dealing with fights that happen due to arguments about household chores and kids. In particular, he takes longer than you to get back to normal. That's about it. Don't assign heavy labels like "problem sorter" and "stubborn, egoistic" to yourself and him.

Not every argument or fight has to end with one person saying sorry. You don't have to (always) say sorry just to maintain peace. Often time and daily routine more than take care of matters.

In this covid time of being cooped at home, so soon after a huge fight, you are hell bent on making him join back into your family group. Why?

Your mother may be old but she has also seen enough life to understand that any husband and wife will have fights now and then and recover from them. You could tell her an airy "oh we had an argument over who will help kid with homework and ..." Or, you could keep it even simpler and say that he is taking a break from whatsapp group chats and has left his family group too. Even better: tell your mother or father to ask him directly why he left the group or when he will join back.

How to move ahead? Give it time. Lots of time. As more normalcy is reached in your daily life, an opportunity will present himself when adding him back to the group will happen casually. Meanwhile, go about your life as coolly as you can. Don't let him feel like his whatsapp group abstinence is a hold he has over you.

About looking happier and happy from the inside out in the video calls to mother - don't ever let your happiness hinge on your husband's joining or leaving a whatsapp group.

Prabh · Jun 18, 2021

Rihana said: ↑

OP, in your words, your husband is:
- very loving towards your family
- respects everyone in your family, loves all kids
- an active fun member of your family's whatsapp group
- an awesome son in law
- excellent father
- very caring husband in terms of doing household chores
- caring like giving you food plate etc.
- continuing to talk normally with your parents and siblings after your recent fight

You both have different ways of dealing with fights that happen due to arguments about household chores and kids. In particular, he takes longer than you to get back to normal. That's about it. Don't assign heavy labels like "problem sorter" and "stubborn, egoistic" to yourself and him.

Not every argument or fight has to end with one person saying sorry. You don't have to (always) say sorry just to maintain peace. Often time and daily routine more than take care of matters.

In this covid time of being cooped at home, so soon after a huge fight, you are hell bent on making him join back into your family group. Why?

Your mother may be old but she has also seen enough life to understand that any husband and wife will have fights now and then and recover from them. You could tell her an airy "oh we had an argument over who will help kid with homework and ..." Or, you could keep it even simpler and say that he is taking a break from whatsapp group chats and has left his family group too. Even better: tell your mother or father to ask him directly why he left the group.

How to move ahead? Give it time. Lots of time. As more normalcy is achieved in your daily life, an opportunity will present himself when adding him back to the group will happen casually. Meanwhile, go about your life as coolly as you can. Don't let him feel like his whatsapp group abstinence is a hold he has over you.

About looking happier and happy from the inside out in the video calls to mother - don't ever let your happiness hinge on your husband's joining or leaving a whatsapp group.
Click to expand...

.

Thank you dear so much for such a detailed and clear explanation...
I respect that

I understand as a mature person I shd move on and let time unfolds the chapters but seriously sometime the question comes to my mind that why it is so important for him to not to come in that group.
How can he do with me as he knows me so well that how Important that group is for me. My thoughts always link me to the past that when I have always supported him whn he was upset over his family I was the one who was making bridge and not the walls and talking to them normally and today my family who always loved him like his own son even more and pampered him always and today he doesn't care about them at all.

DDream · Jun 18, 2021

As an individual he has every right to decide whether to continue or not in a whatsup group. When you go after him and forcing him to come back based your comfort zone , you are showing a controlling behavior. But in this process, you loose it and giving so much power and control to your dh, boosting his ego.

Who is having this much time for virtual interactions/ social media.You said already that he is behaving normal in real life and a great son in law, father, husband etc.. Focus on that instead of virtual world.

So just leave it there. Dont even talk about it. You can find some excuse if other people ask about it. Give some time and bahave normal. Your attitude should be like its his wish to continue in the group or not and its not a big deal. Be happy for you and try to focus on other aspects of your marriage. Give some time, let him come back by himself if he want to. Take that power from him.

Silent treatment for a long time is passive aggressive behavior to avoid conflict and gain control. Best way is not even acknowledge it and focus on your life.

MalStrom · Jun 18, 2021

You are giving too much importance to social media. If he is otherwise behaving okay with your family then don’t make this your hill to die on. If anyone asks just tell them that your husband has decided to restrict his social media presence, which is not a complete untruth.