Am I Slipping Into Depression?

SGBV · May 29, 2021

Dear friends

Hope you all are safe!

Here i am with a problem again.......

I feel that i am turning to a self which i never wanted to be in life before. Blame this prolonged lockdown situation, joblessness, etc..etc... But i feel, there is much to do with what i am going through.

The first symptom is that i don't sleep enough. Usually i am someone who can fall asleep within 5-10 mins of hitting the bed. But now a days, I go to bed only after mid night, and spend another 1-2 hrs without being able to fall asleep. It started like 1-2 days a months, then once a week and now a days, it is like every fortnight i find it hard to sleep. I can't even think of going to the bed before 1 am these days.

Secondly, I think i have eating disorder. Either i can't eat, or don't feel like eating... Or sometimes i overeat.
With all these my gastrointestinal issues comes by.
These days i don't have heartburns much, but bloating, feeling full all the time, and almost daily case of shortness of breath after eating. Especially at night, which adds to my already sleepless nights.

Lately, I feel weird anxiety. Anxiety of worst kind; hence i am unable to believe is it really me.
For those who are new here, I am someone everyone considered as a fearless strong woman all my life.
I used to travel alone, that too to the most deadly war zones, and difficult places sound the world in the past.
Now a days, I feel some severe discomfort and fear to climb upstairs even to switch off the lights at night. Forget about working alone in my room there at night.

These kind of common fear has changed to more personal fear since last month. It was like one of us catching covid & die or something like my kids or I fall I'll and it turned out to be cancer. So i watch out for the symptoms & keep googling everything.

Sometimes, even a slightest swelling of the lymp node in my DD can make me go wild in my thoughts and start panicking. I keep checking their body & temperature as if they are sick. This make everyone wonder what's wrong with me?
In fact, by Gods grace my kids are healthy, but i don't understand these fears. Sometimes i translate them as motherly instinct, as i had weird instincts like them in the past, and they became true. But those were just one off instances. Not like these daily fears.

Because of all these, I feel the pain not just in my hear, but also in my body too. My legs, arms, shoulders, fingers and all my body ache.
Its been a longtime since i combed my hair & threaded my eyebrows. No facial or hair treatment done in a while too. I never do exercise these days. Can't even go for walking.

I look like a fatty aunty... Sorry about the word, but this is something i hated the most.

My H is very corporative, but he thinks staying away from me without disturbing itself a help as i used to be very much irritated & fighting earlier. As he keeps distance i feel lonely inside.

My mom on the other hand finds nitty gritty things to fight, but that already add fuel to the fire. I am afraid even if she keeps slightest long face. It totally destroy my mood.

Currently i am on sabbatical & hoped never to join back once situation cools down here. But i am considering re- joining, but fearing the worst by picturing the drama happened around my last posting in Bangladesh.

I suffered a lot for my family in the past decade despite of my physical & mental conditions. Because of that, my family is safe & their future us secured. We are back under one roof & living together happily after a long time. But i feel so lonely & this anxiety & depression (ya that's what Google says so) is now killing me.

I may look for consultations from doctors once they ease lockdown a bit. But don't know when...

Help me with some remedies to handle this now

PS. I have hormanal imbalance & pcod since 4-5 years, but i am not on medication

chanchitra · May 29, 2021

Please consult a psychiatrist asap. It can be telemedicine (online)for now.

You can also do online counseling.
AbleTo - Login.
Also look into videos by Robin Sharma.
https://youtube.com/user/sharmaleadership

Anisu · May 29, 2021

Dear OP,
This is anxiety what you are going through. Its better to meet a counsellor and start talking to them.
Pen down your fears.
Exercise everyday. Physical activity is a must to get over this phase.
Pranayama does help a lot.
Try to find out the trigerring point. Could be the job. Since you have been working for years, change in that schedule could be the trigger.

Anusha2917 · May 29, 2021

For me this definitely looks like "signs of depression". While meeting a councellor will help you meanwhile consider meeting a "Good friend" And confide your fears n worries to him/her .You will feel light.. Regarding your children you are getting into a loop of negative thoughts. . Counselling can help you..
Listen to some soothing music if possible and although it's difficult pick up a religious script n read just 1 or two pages a day . ..

You should consider going back to work.

messedup · May 30, 2021

Hi dear.... I don't think it as a sign of depression. It's just a change with the change in your routine. The kind of routine you had earlier as compare to now has a huge difference. Try to accept this change which is temporary. Enjoy your free time that was long awaited. For fear you can do some kind of prayers as most people at this point are having this kind of imaginary fear. It's due to the daily updates we get from our news channels. There is nothing wrong with you. You are completely normal. Just cheer up and enjoy your day.

Angela123 · May 30, 2021

Please consider a therapist. It could work wonders.

Laks09 · May 30, 2021

SGBV - Track your symptoms using a book and take that to a dr. If it is cyclical and related to your period, it’s easy to make out when you have it written down.

The past year has been hard for everyone. It’s been a difficult year for you. You’ve always borne the burden of taking care of your family. You’ve always had to be in charge of everything - finances, planning day to day activities even while away, dealing with having someone to help mom take care of kids etc. Your lifestyle hasn’t been easy. I would say, go easy on yourself. Ensure to put yourself first. You don’t have to fix everything immediately. It’s ok to let go of some things and tackle them later.

Know that your situation is unique. You are not only the primary breadwinner, you are also the primary caretaker for your kids. You really don’t have the support you should get. For most men, when they are doing what you do, their entire household is run by their spouses. My DH doesn’t have to worry about who will drop my son at therapy, who will teach him, who is cooking for the kids, who is buying groceries etc. When he is out of the house, he’s gone. Until he gets back, there are no worries about the kids or the house. For you, you have had to sit in Rwanda and manage the things that help the running of your household in SL. You've never gone and left your home responsibilities behind. I’ve seen you post about managing maid/driver/cook etc even when you were not present in the country. It’s bound to have impacted you. You’ve had a full plate for far too long.

This next few months, put everything else on the back burner. Make yourself the priority. Even if you don’t want to, go get your eyebrows etc done. Get out and walk by yourself. Stop thinking about kids, mom, husband, family during the walk. Listen to some podcasts instead.

I think going back to work may help you get back into the swing of things. But unless you have the right kind of support you will be playing multiple roles again and it will again impact your health. Making sure you internalize that your health is your top priority is the best way to take care of yourself. Everything else has to wait.

Good Luck! See the doc and keep us posted on what he/she says.

athura · May 30, 2021

SGBV said: ↑

Dear friends

Hope you all are safe!

Here i am with a problem again.......

I feel that i am turning to a self which i never wanted to be in life before. Blame this prolonged lockdown situation, joblessness, etc..etc... But i feel, there is much to do with what i am going through.

The first symptom is that i don't sleep enough. Usually i am someone who can fall asleep within 5-10 mins of hitting the bed. But now a days, I go to bed only after mid night, and spend another 1-2 hrs without being able to fall asleep. It started like 1-2 days a months, then once a week and now a days, it is like every fortnight i find it hard to sleep. I can't even think of going to the bed before 1 am these days.

Secondly, I think i have eating disorder. Either i can't eat, or don't feel like eating... Or sometimes i overeat.
With all these my gastrointestinal issues comes by.
These days i don't have heartburns much, but bloating, feeling full all the time, and almost daily case of shortness of breath after eating. Especially at night, which adds to my already sleepless nights.

Lately, I feel weird anxiety. Anxiety of worst kind; hence i am unable to believe is it really me.
For those who are new here, I am someone everyone considered as a fearless strong woman all my life.
I used to travel alone, that too to the most deadly war zones, and difficult places sound the world in the past.
Now a days, I feel some severe discomfort and fear to climb upstairs even to switch off the lights at night. Forget about working alone in my room there at night.

These kind of common fear has changed to more personal fear since last month. It was like one of us catching covid & die or something like my kids or I fall I'll and it turned out to be cancer. So i watch out for the symptoms & keep googling everything.

Sometimes, even a slightest swelling of the lymp node in my DD can make me go wild in my thoughts and start panicking. I keep checking their body & temperature as if they are sick. This make everyone wonder what's wrong with me?
In fact, by Gods grace my kids are healthy, but i don't understand these fears. Sometimes i translate them as motherly instinct, as i had weird instincts like them in the past, and they became true. But those were just one off instances. Not like these daily fears.

Because of all these, I feel the pain not just in my hear, but also in my body too. My legs, arms, shoulders, fingers and all my body ache.
Its been a longtime since i combed my hair & threaded my eyebrows. No facial or hair treatment done in a while too. I never do exercise these days. Can't even go for walking.

I look like a fatty aunty... Sorry about the word, but this is something i hated the most.

My H is very corporative, but he thinks staying away from me without disturbing itself a help as i used to be very much irritated & fighting earlier. As he keeps distance i feel lonely inside.

My mom on the other hand finds nitty gritty things to fight, but that already add fuel to the fire. I am afraid even if she keeps slightest long face. It totally destroy my mood.

Currently i am on sabbatical & hoped never to join back once situation cools down here. But i am considering re- joining, but fearing the worst by picturing the drama happened around my last posting in Bangladesh.

I suffered a lot for my family in the past decade despite of my physical & mental conditions. Because of that, my family is safe & their future us secured. We are back under one roof & living together happily after a long time. But i feel so lonely & this anxiety & depression (ya that's what Google says so) is now killing me.

I may look for consultations from doctors once they ease lockdown a bit. But don't know when...

Help me with some remedies to handle this now

PS. I have hormanal imbalance & pcod since 4-5 years, but i am not on medication
Click to expand...

Hey,
Covid Lockdowns and Joblessness have made life worse for so many people around..
But after reading your post I feel that, you must get into some forms of Physical activity and spend some time for prayers everyday.
I know its easier said than done, but if you try and inculcate it for 7 days continuously, then definitely your routine will pull you further into habituating it. Try it.
Also if it helps, try chanting or Listening to Lingashtakam.. It will help in subsiding the anxiety related to uncertain future.

Regards
Athura

Sweety2019 · May 30, 2021

Hi @SGBV
I think you are disturbed and slipping into depression. And I think you are disturbed because of your thoughts on black magic and related stuff reading from your previous posts.. whether I or other people believe it or not here..I think you believe in it strongly. And it is okay to agree on it and see what you can do if it is affecting your life.

So one way maybe to overcome this is by first making up your mind that you and your family are strong enough to resist any of the bad energy given by others. And start doing what you believe will help. If you feel prayers will help you feel strong do that. Distraction with activities then that. Or talking to someone about it will help them do that.
End of day remember you are stronger than the bad energy and you will overcome all this.

Sandhya13 · May 30, 2021

@SGBV I have read your previous posts and know some background about your situation. You have been in a toxic environment for a very long time and it is bound to catch up some time or the other. You had to deal with some terrible situations in the past especially created by those whom you love a lot. You had tackled those situations very well and bounced back stronger which is not possible to do by many. It was just a matter of time that the situations you had been through is bound to break any sane person. Though your mom and DH love you and mean you well deep inside, the way they bring out their emotions on a day to day basis has been very selfish and caused a deep scar inside you. To add to this, there was a lot of drama from your extended family too. Since you love them both (mom and DH) unconditionally you put up with their toxic ways of expression. You never had too much time anyways to brood over their behavior (see you were extremely busy always juggling your high profile work and family life), though their impact on your emotional health was deep inside, it never came out. It was always in the back burner like a dormant volcano which might explode some day or the other. During COVID times, there is a lot of time on your hand and all those things deep inside are coming out. Like Laks said, please start by journaling your symptoms and tell yourself that you are the first priority in your life and that you will bounce back this time too. Having said that, I think you really need professional help this time.