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In Laws Irritating And Forcing Me To Travel

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Apr 30, 2021.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes..that’s what I’m doing now..
    They just don’t leave the topic..
    Second wave has created havoc everywhere..all they can think of is their native..
    They are unable to go there at the moment, but keep making plans to go there and keep suggesting that since I’m not working I’m also free to travel..
    I myeslf am in lot of tension as I have health issues and vaccinations are not available for below 45 age group due to high demand and low supply..I too have turned into a bitter person and taking lot of efforts to maintain positivity..it’s becomes tough and I just ignore or change the topic when they mention their native place.
     
  2. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Ignoring is the best way. Be indifferent to them. If they insist tell them, you cant travel, if they want, they can take their son with them. You are busy with kids and can't take any risk now.Be firm. If you keep on yielding to their demands they will never stop. Dont give any importance to their reactions.
     
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  3. EverydayBloom

    EverydayBloom Gold IL'ite

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    @Needtobestrong what is the role of your spouse in this kind of conversations around going to native place? Does they express these kind of "ideas" with him alone or around you? Don't loose your peace with people who provoke you constantly, focus on your health and well being as much as you. This pandemic is hard on many of us, we can get through this.
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Needtobestrong, just reading this makes me so mad. I really hope things change and the below happens soon for you:

    eachmorning.jpeg
     
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  5. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    Doormat to Devil kind of change isn't going to happen all of a sudden.
    However, a doormat can behave like one and be reconciled to the status. A doormat is stoic, doesn't respond, has no emotions, takes a licking and just lies there. Occasionally it is hung and beaten, and yet doesn't cry out. Only makes a slight whoosh sound.
    A doormat is a satyagrahi -- it stays put, and doesn't move on its own. A satyagrahi, endures suffering as a route to freedom and justice.... in the very long run.

    Be the best doormat you can be.
     
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  6. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    My husband doesn’t say anything, he also plays alongside and keeps promising to travel in few more months...
    Some week back there was a big fight and I spoke up strongly and yelled back at them so they kept quiet for sometime..but again after speaking to their friends and relative in their native dont know what brain washing happened to them..heard her speaking to her friend on phone..she was saying that in native place the cases are less and how nice it would have been if we all had travelled and shifted there in March itself and stayed there continuously...
    Definitely even in some more months I have no plans of giving in and travelling there, given my past and experiences there and they way they have treated me..
    Let them label me as a bad DIL for not giving in to my wishes.
    I’m right now pissed off at their senseless ideas and assumption that I will accompany them.
     
  7. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks to Indus ladies, I’m making the transition from doormat to devil slowLy..
    Thankfully nagging isn’t as worst as earlier but still they get nonsense ideas now and then.
     
  8. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    ya hope so too...earlier I would listen silently nowadays I answer back and give it back when I hear criticisms...there have been fights.
    If they talk to me nicely and treat me well I reciprocate , else I feel they criticise and shout I’m giving back in kind..
    Hope to make a transition soon .
    But they just don’t leave the topic of their native place. They think they’re doing a favour by taking me with them there “for a refreshing change” God pls give them some sense..
    Indirectly when speaking on phone with family members, friends and relatives they will keep telling how they want us all to travel in few months to native.
    Anyways since any travel plans are out of question in current worst situation and almost all states are having lockdowns and curfews , they can only dream and imagine.
    I think I need to deal in a cunning way by making excuses and reasons to avoid going to native place as and when the situation arises.
    Would get good suggestion from IL then.
     
  9. Bubbles

    Bubbles Silver IL'ite

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    Hi @Needtobestrong ! You are already facing so much, and I notice that you are not blaming your in-laws as anyone would be tempted to, but you understand what they are likely going through; I'm really impressed by your ability to stay unbiased despite all that you are being put through!

    I agree with the others in that for your own emotional/mental/physical well-being, you should train yourself to ignore, and set your boundaries. I know how near-to-impossible that can be, given the circumstances, both inside and outside the house. I say, try to handle it, and in the meantime, you need some respite too. Take your break. Come here and vent often - you will find many comrades-in-arms here, myself included. Boundaries, seems to be the key word here. And assertiveness. YOU decide what you can/will do. Do that and just that. Somebody has a problem with that? Deal with it politely, but firmly : do not change your plan. You can say No, in a nice way, you can divert or change the topic, you can joke about it, you can turn it around on them etc...
    In my experience, I have found a certain amount of detachment, some space (emotionally, in my own mind) a necessary prerequisite to be able to do that. A lot of great advice has already been given in this regard in IL here over several posts....
    The crux is, FIRST take care of YOURSELF. Then the family (acc to YOUR judgement). Then handle their demands - learn to say no, defuse, distract - or simply ignore. If you manage the first, you will be amazed how well you handle the second and third.
    You will never have the time. There will always be work to do, dishes to wash and chores to finish. There will always be complaints. The important thing here is to REMEMBER that all that is NOT IMPORTANT. YOU ARE. So. Reach out to us, and vent. Nurture yourself with refreshing activities : COMPULSORILY do something you like everyday. Play music when you cook or clean. Sing, dance or whatever energises you. Let them all realise they are all secondary for you. Try it, and tell me how it goes...

    Many elders, like you pointed out, feel frustrated with the situation. I see it in my parents, my uncles and aunts, and others (in-laws, well H can handle theirs... :yum:) Especially if they have been very careful the whole year - this second wave is making them more scared, more unreasonable and more frustrated and prone to making sweeping declarations that assert their freedom. It is not JUST them, but it affects them and the kids more... all this cooped up-ness. Of course, it affects you and me as well, but somehow we keep pushing forward, even at a cost. Let them say what they want. Follow your husband's lead on this. It is going to be awhile since anybody is going to be able to travel, so don't waste your mental energy worrying about it. We'll face it if it comes to it. IF after taking care of your own health and emotional needs, you are able to, see if you can get them engaged in something they can do from home. Do you have a safe terrace or balcony where they can at least peep out? Somebody mention satsangs online, its a wonderful idea. Tell your husband or your kids to arrange some family zoom group calls where they can crib away about everything, and not to you ;) They need their vent too.. Maybe some other ILites can give more ideas... even a simple carrom board can make evenings fun for them with their son n kids while you go and watch one episode of something on NETFLIX. What do you think?
    Stay strong, keep talking and keep rocking:beer-toast1:
     
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  10. Bubbles

    Bubbles Silver IL'ite

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    Hmmm, I disagree... I think Satyagraha is about Non-Cooperation. It isn't about enduring suffering, but Calmly saying NO, I wont. Refusing to Cooperate, do as you please, follow your rules (laws, expectations, criteria). It is Rebelling, without declaring War.
    No, I won't follow your salt laws. I will make my own salt.
    No, I won't follow your import goods rule, I will make my own cloth.
    ..... and in that vein, it could also mean, No, I won't follow your rules/expectations of what a DIL should be/do... I will (whatever it is that one wants to do).
    So a Satyagrahi is not a doormat, but one who has the spine to be bold enough to say no and cool enough to say it calmly and go about her/his own life, and willing to face the consequences of whatever that might bring.
    If I remember right, the very origin of the idea of Satyagraha is credited to Kasturba Gandhi refusing to accede to Gandhiji's controlling behavior over her...
    My two pennies, apologies if this is off-topic.
     
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