Parents And Money

These are golden words . Please don't do this to yourself. Once upon a time I used to do this and feel terrible going to bed at night after trying to fix something. After several experiences I learnt it in a harder way everything can wait. Our mental health is most important. It is so easy for parents/siblings to throw allegations against you but believe me this conversation will do no good to you or them. If I were you I will pretend like everything is normal and broach this subject few months later. Parents have misplaced anger issue when one kid is outside India and one staying with them. a. Since you have a family where your parents brag to in-laws(which is unique by the way) and parents probably staying indoors due to lockdown please keep the conversation around general issues . Don't touch the money issue now.

 

Dear @Angela123 I can understand you. I was in the same situation once.

Take a break from this issue and don't discuss this with your parents wait for some days to let the tensions between everyone defuse.

When it comes to money matters or health issues my inlaws are kind of very similar to your parents, they don't like to discuss openly. FIL receives his pension along with that they also had a rental income till 6 years back and all the expenses were taken care of inlaws till 6 years back since bil wasn't settled down yet.

We too had faced a similar situation. DH tried to bring up the finances issue and offered to help and few times tried to give them money during special occasions/our annual bonus/profit earnings but every time it used to come back to us. Every time we used to hear we don't need your money, We have money. khud ka Dekho and all that. And again when we visit them we used to hear oh! no we don't have money it's getting difficult to manage monthly Ghar ka karcha.

Remember one thing whether you do your part of responsibility or not, you still hear things and it's always the one who stays close by to them physically and takes care of them not just financially also emotionally stays close to their heart and they get more comfortable with those and get emotionally attached. So accept that and don't take their words to your heart and try to let things go as much as possible. If they don't want to share their financial details completely with you take it lightly. If you are close to your sister talk to her and discuss what you can help in the best interest of all. Also remember once you give the money think it as gift, it upto them how they use what they do with it.

As others said our families in India don't understand the struggles and situations here, How much ever you try to explain them they cannot relate/imagine your daily life struggles and problems here, it only drains your time and energy by explaining them again and again. Instead, if your parents haven't visited you here, when things come back to normal and if you can afford to bring your parents for few months do that. Until unless they see and experience they don't understand.

My inlaws used to think the same way that we are living luxurious life here and always I used to hear so many things until they visited us and they saw how we plan and save each every penny. That changed their thinking at least a little bit.

I know it's hard to let go of childhood scars. I have seen my husband suffering. It's best to try to let go of the past for your mental peace. If needed please consider a therapist.

I am someone who talks openly about money matters or health when we come to as a family. As I have seen my parents, bil(sis husband)uncles, aunts my cousins who are very close to me, and few DH's cousins and their family are very open in this matter, they directly tell ok this is what I have this is my monthly expense, this much I save, this much id my debt. It took me time to understand money is a very sensitive topic discussing opening seen a taboo. I understand most elders don't like to take money from their children or they want to show themselves always as strong. But I feel at some point I have to be open and be prepared for the worst.

I feel these things are better to discuss in person than on phone.

That is what we did and it worked for us, after an emergency medical surgery, huge expense and bil was not prepared and they didn't had funds, so on one India visit, we all sat together tried to work out, and we had set up a fixed deposit and interest goes to them every month. Apart from that every visit we leave some cash, and signed cheques for emergencies, we got an add-on Bank of America travel card in my mil name to use for hospital visits, blood works, travels, insulin, tablets come from a known family friend medical store they directly send the bill to us, and all the other expenses which we can pay in advance we are taking care of it.

Think and plan which works best for you. If you have any future plans to visit India then park this thing till then. If not you want to discuss now and want to clear your head first, make a list of all the things you want to discuss, on a day when you are with settled emotions call during not their usual TV time and start with a story or an appreciation towards them , give someone's situation as an example, instead of ask more questions on their financial details just let them know that you want to know if they any emergency medical fund or if any urgent help needed like transportation to the hospital or anything or they are managing, if you have any plan to help them in the future once you are stabilized let them know that. Don't discuss everything at once ,take it slow.

I think it's better you talk alone first with your father/mother and if that goes well later after few calls and general talks have an open discussion as a family with everyone including you sis and bil. if not let this go, as the majority don't feel comfortable in discussing it openly and plan to help in future medical expenses, keep aside every month a small amount according to your situation and send them once that way it won't be a burden for you too.

Never assume and get relaxed that your parents have money. Even if they have keep aside some because we never know the future and fund access at that situation. For now concentrate on your health mental peace, work, kid, husband. Practice let go of things for mental peace.