Is It Normal To Hate Someone That Much?

Dear @Needtobestrong

The difference between her and you seems to be that she is the daughter of the family and you are the daughter in law. You do know the difference na?
It is not your fault and you do know that this will not change.This is what happens in most Indian homes. Just be thankful that she is not your real sister in law.

You live with ungrateful horrible people and are in a tough spot as you have to live with them without any scope of respite. Unfortunately you do not seem to have support from your parents .

Your misery is far greater than the misery of perfect people who are hated by acquaintance who meet them sometimes. So don't feel guilty for hating her even if she is not directly responsible for your misery.

Right now you can't show hate for the people who abuse you .If hating her is giving you some release and helping you deal with your situation ....do it. Do it silently as it is safe . It does not hurt her...infact she does not even know. So if it helps you...don't feel bad . Make her your punching bag for short relief.
But do realise that it will not change your situation in any way .

If you feel bad about hating her, then don't do it.

Do take that advice of agreeing with others when they praise and mention how lucky she is to have such a wonderful support system .But don't over do it because you don't have the kind of family that will realise their mistake .

Work on yourself girl. Get fit ,take care of your physical and mental health . Learn yoga, learn proper breathing .Work on your self esteem . You may find material online .

The moment your in laws get vaccinated, get a good maid .

Work on getting a job . Even if it is not possible in the near future ....keep working on yourself and try to get a job in future.

Just do the bare minimum that you need to do to keep peace at home .Don't try to impress these ingrates.They will not value that . Love yourself ,care for yourself .

Lots of hugs to you . Consider yourself a survivor .You are going through much more than a pandemic.
This will pass too. Stay strong
Best wishes to you .

 

Her ghost lives in your Head dear @Needtobestrong - that's why she is everywhere!
Get her out first.

Think of it as a spider web you need to clean - remove it every time someone says a statement about her....
Check CBT - Cognitive Behaviour therapy - Everytime you think of her, use a particular action (Many snap their finger or shake their head in a certain way, some act as if pulling out a grey hair of a bad thought) to imagine that your head is clear of thoughts about her...

And focus on yourself. And your family !

Your family's communication methods are mean and atrocious - work on that! TEACH THEM how to talk to you... tell them what statements you expect from them.

Ignore everything she does - even if she is fake to others or she freezes food, ignore her. You DONT talk about her AT ALL...
Deal with your family....

For instance - for the function - you could have said you had an important work and now I've come, let us enjoy properly and get busy with the function stuff... whether she lied or whether she went on vacation - dont think of it...

If you wanted to plan vacation with your husband, then blame it on your husband ...

Forget about inlaws and parents, first START with your husband -
If your husband says - why didnt you cook - you tell - could you change the statement to "Do you need help for cooking?"
if he says - "but cousin cooks so well" - you tell - "can you help me plan the cooking?" - Break down the tasks and tell how long it takes - or tell him - "I will make the extra dish if you help with kids homework"..... when he says cousin manages so well - tell him, "she has help - can you help me" - keep HER topic minimal, don't fight to prove that she is not as great as he thinks..... and focus on what YOU WANT in that situation...


He says - "She is so well groomed and maintained" - DON'T try to prove that she is horrible in some other way - it will NEVER EVER register - you say - "Can you get the kids ready for school in the morning, I can spend more time on Gym or walking etc"
He says - "But cousin manages" - You say - "she has help - can you help me?"
If he says - "what help she has, she does this and that ??" - you say - "Currently, You want me to do task1 - for that I need help with task 2"
DO NOT get into discussion about HER and how she manages, FOCUS on the task that needs to be done and what help YOU need from them!

Another idea is to make an Excel sheet - of all the tasks you can think of in and around the house - and put a green tick under your name !!
Any time your husband mentions her - take a 1-2 hour break ( dont talk when you're emotional) and show the excel to him on your phone... DONT SHARE IT as digital images have a way of going to people it should NEVER reach!!!

Believe me - whatever you're facing now will be nothing compared to what would happen if word reaches that you talked wrong about this lady (she seems to be a family favourite!!!) - So please be careful with your words and actions about her and focus on yourself and your family...

 

Dear,

You are not at fault here for having ill feelings to someone you are constantly compared to...It’s quite humane to have resentment for someone if we are compared with them day and night, that too by the people you care for everyday...
It’s not that girl’s fault too ( I think you already know that)... What I am saying is the cheap mind games your in-laws are playing by constantly comparing their own son’s wife to a cousin..they are the only evil people here..
We can advise anything here, but the only thing that is going to help you now is some distance from your in-laws..Take interest in getting them vaccinated, and when the waiting period of 2 or 3 weeks are over, nudge them to travel to the native place..Do they have their own house in their native place?

 

You are frustrated because she is getting everything (admiration, acknowledgement and appreciation, love, respect) you crave for. Its natural to long for those kind of treatment when you are working so hard to please them. But its not practical with these people. I am surprised that you have not learned it even after these many years bad treatment.

Sorry you are expecting too much. You are DIL ,you get only criticism even if you do everything perfect.
She is daughter of family, so she gets everything

Its better for you to accept it and stop trying for a best DIL certificate. You are not going to get that. She is not responsible for your misery, you are. Your thoughts.

1. You need to develop a thick skin. Let them criticize. Who cares. Listen and leave it through other ear ..Dont even reply.. They dont deserve a reply for this double standard

2. Who is stopping you from celebrating your favorite days. You should learn how to love and celebrate yourself. If you dont do, who is going to value you.
My friend, has faced similar treatment from dh. What she did-She took a perfect picture. Post it on Facebook on her birthday..." officially getting one year older. Long way to go." Everyone wished on her birthday. Many friends even called her. She got all positive wibes she needed. In the evening she dressed up and bought a cake to celebrate with her kids. To her surprise her husband bought her cake ....why can't you celebrate it with kids.

If they criticize, say I like it. If you dont want to be part of it ,that's fine even though I wish you join with us..I am sure you can buy a cup cake or prepare something special for you.

You should celebrate your anniversary too. Tell your kids and celebrate. Its the anniversary of survival in this marriage.. do it

3. Dont over do anything. Do minimum. Let them criticize...if they criticize you can tell, this is all I can do alone.. if you help I can do better or you may please hire nannies.. you should learn how to convey it in neutral tone.

If she is so dear let them all go and live with her and leave you alone. ( I may even tell this to husband if he continue to bring her to find faults or blame me more than a few times).

4. This female has nothing to do with it. You should blame your mind, your dh and your inlaws. You are finding her as an excuse. Sorry to say,it won't help you in long term. Stop thinking about her. She has not done anything to hurt you. No one is perfect.

Try for a job. Getting out of this house alone will help you.

You have to learn management skills instead of trying to be a people pleaser and super woman.

Your life is your responsibility. Every one in this world has one problem or another. But how we approach it makes the difference.

Dear OP, hugs to you. Its easy to say. But we are here to support you. I wish you to emerge as a strong person who will not be affected by these silly people. I wish you to be optimistic and happy.

 

Dear @Needtobestrong,

Husband saying good things about another lady is certainly not a nice thing and hard for anyone. Let’s acknowledge that. It is so easy to influence another person so positively. I don’ know why people choose to be like that. Well!

From what you say, she does not live where you live. Perhaps you are all spending so much time thinking of her and talking about her, you all may not even exist for her in her day-to-day life.

Your in laws and maybe even your husband know that this (lady) gets your goat – perhaps that is why they use this.

That said,

People who come across as self-assured are usually comfortable in their own skin, irrespective of how others see them, including husbands.

There is no other solution here @Needtobestrong other than you changing your own outlook. You need your own approval and your own acceptance. We all seek approval and appreciation. But when we don’t get it, we can’t let our own approval and appreciation of ourselves disappear.

Vent all you want with friends who understand you and with every vent, work on yourself. Imagine how it would be if you simply became her best friend? What would all these people around you do? She can be the center of who they are or want to be. It need not be so for you. Stay rooted and connected to yourself. You got this. Don’t waste any more time on all this – easier said than done but it can be done. It takes that one moment of telling yourself, “this is it.” Make every little positive thing as a means to root yourself in positivity.

Don’t miss out appreciating who you are, please.

PS: Your title really touched me and heart went out to you. You must be hurting badly. Please pull yourself out of this and begin to enjoy those positive memoents. Hang on to that light feeling, search for that moment and relive it!

 

Exactly !

You are a wonderful woman who is doing her best given the circumstances...

Focus on yourself!

 

I am currently reading this book and I found lot of quotes/anecdotes applicable to your situation.

https://www.amazon.in/dp/0241331129/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_5S8XDS742X5417MKMYAF

It's very tough to be in your position having to battle with three adults on a regular basis. But please don't become a slave of the situation. You will feel suffocated if you can't express your opinion and you will get depressed further. You have to stand up for yourself. Hope you are able to do that. They must learn at least not to disrespect you.

 

Hey,

You have been going thru a lot this pandemic and you are living with a bunch if ungreatful people who are also selfish.

I understand your pain. You do soo much for them yet, all yourself alone and you get nothing out. The lady on the other side has income of herself and she is outsourcing almost everything yet she is a wonderwoman who does everything. Everybody has got 24/7... people choose how to use them. No one can do 4 of 24/7s in one 24/7. She is earning extremely well which implies 8hrs of it is her job so there are others fixing those hours around her. You do it all alone.

People seem to have stopped recognising time and only recognise money. Your inlaws are deliberately measuring both of you on a same scale when you both have totally different choices.

Now the problem:
You hating her or not wont change her life. She has made her choices, sticking tight to them and getting on with her life. You resenting wont make her any better or worse person she already is. She is what she is.

Hating her wont make your life any different

I know its a natural reaction but if you brood on it; you might see your 50 to be the same as your 30... 20yrs of life which could have turned your life downside up has been wasted.

Force yourself out of this muck that your H and inlaws drag you in everytime. They are suceeding and you are brooding away one day at a time which eventually makes up years and then a life time. No one is born to do this... YOU have a purpose, YOU are worth more than suffocating in the muck. It makes no difference at all if someone else is in a stinkier muck or on a bed of roses. What matters is where you stand.

Get up, start making your bed, however slow but it will be better than what you are now sleeping in. These comparisions are just another tantrum from these people who cant see worth of a home maker and a hard working mother. You cant change them.

Your choice:

Either to waste away your life which could have been otherwise brilliant in buying all things from your Inlaws/H.

Find happiness-job or not; but if job will do it, so be it. March your arse off to a better you .

Hugs and all the best