Mean Kid At The Park - Part 2

J's parents are Indian?

 

You are trying to do what a parent does: equip the child with skills to interact with other people and to navigate tricky situations.

However you need to do a slight shift of the target or goal. The kids are arguing whether you are spoiling your son. You are trying to help your son bring more logic and fairness into a playground argument / exchange between 9-11 year old's. Logic and fairness in discussion need two willing participants.

Shift the goal to: how can your son handle such discussions in a better way. Your job is to guide him towards coming up with solutions himself. Don't provide ready-to-use solutions or statements. Guide him. So that he slowly learns how to come up with solutions more and more by himself.

If you and he discuss the issue and you refrain from criticizing the other kids (and their parents), you and your son will start to find ideas worth trying. I could think of a few from your description:

"when my son discusses a new toy with his other friends"
Talk with your son about what happens when we have something that others don't yet. At 9, he is old enough to get the politics between families who own a house versus who rent. : ) My DD at that age started to get the politics between SAHM and working moms. : ) So, brainstorm with your son if discussing new toys with friends (who don't have that toy yet) is always a good idea. You might find that he is (unwittingly) bragging about the new toys? Tell him how as an adult you had friends from a different economic status and how that impacted your friendship, how you remained friends in spite of that.

Winning an argument:
Outside of high school debate competitions, it is rarely a useful victory. Teach him methods to deflect an argument. Just one example, he can turn the discussion into "my mother buys stuff for me to keep up with her friends." Cribbing about parents can be a strong bonding mechanism among pre-teens and of course teens. Or, your son can agree with the boys that you are spoiling him. Agreeing with the opposition is a tried and tested way to defuse a situation.

Invite the kids to use the "expensive toys":
The Indian thing to do is to one-up the other child in the argument about "parents spoiling kid." The American thing is to invite the kids to share the expensive toys. If it is safe for your kid to go to the park, it is safe to invite those kids to your backyard to use the trampoline and play structure. If that is not a viable option for whatever reason, then reflect on that reason. Inclusiveness is an important skill to learn. More so in the current times.

Am I over reacting?
Yes. But most parents would. After some over-reacting myself and getting too involved in he-said she-said, she-started it first kind of arguments, I learned that unless my kid is being seriously bullied or is unable to have even one friend to hang out with, I should let him handle such things himself. The other kid(s) not sharing swing, kid saying 'your parents spoil you', kid using profanities do not fall under bullying. It is hard, very hard, to watch one's kid getting the short end of the stick in any situation*. Harder to stay quiet.

All that you have described are non-issues, standard stuff for the playground.

* In high school, the Afghan kid from a lower middle class family might find more internship and other opportunities available to him. Colleges might prefer him over kids with your son's profile. Asian-American male student applying for a STEM major is the toughest profile to have. I digress. : ) What to do.. it is college decisions season and I am fielding whining along these lines from my mommy-friends. : )

 

Thank you. This hair did not turn grey in the glorious CA sun. It was years of overreacting to school and academics and extracurriculars that did it.

Continuing with my hatke perspective... at 9, you should start tuning out the sounds of such conversations. And you shouldn't be spending time recalling so much of those conversations.. So short life.. so much Netflix... : )

That makes it easier to decide on the approach. Not being allowed to go into anyone's house can be tough on a 11 year old. Tougher than being a vegetarian in a cafeteria where the only choices are rare or medium <meat>. This is an opportunity to teach your child compassion and empathy.

Jokes aside, I am not trying to be annoyingly preachy here. It is really a good opportunity to talk about compassion, empathy and understanding the reason for another's person's actions and choices. As our children grow up into an increasingly diverse world, this is an important skill and character trait to develop. For example, not all Afghans do, but many of them have stories from back home that are disturbing. If your son sees you being kind to that kid in spite of that kid's behavior, it will be a lasting lesson.

My son is doing an online college course. One of his groupmates in a project is an 18 or 19 year old from a remote African country who attends this online class while on the job as a security guard in a private warehouse (in the U.S.) It was kind of hard for us to talk after dinner that night when my son talked about his classmate. We felt subdued and didn't know what to say or think about the disparity.

Unrelated: what did you end up paying for the tennis lessons? : )