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Mutual Respect And Equality - Looking For Some Advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by aarth0203, Dec 19, 2020.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    How are the investments doing generally? Do you periodically look at them and discuss overall strategy with him? Will he refuse if you ask to be part of the finances task? If the entire investment research, planning and monitoring is left to him, has he ever received any acknowledgement for what he does?

    He might be asking you to use his credit card so it is easier to check on fraudulent or overcharging. Try to find a middle ground of using a common card for household expenses. Keep a separate one for expenses that you prefer he doesn't know on a routine basis.

    That kind of comment can mess up much more than a child's birthday. Not his ego, but his self-respect must have been hurt. Why hesitate to spend x when we earn 20x - should be the thought.

    Child turning 6 is a good time to set some things in order in the home. A start would be to start thinking of income and expenses as ours and less of my. Rather than "his" and "hers", it works out better if income and expenses are categorized as mostly "ours" and some as "mine."

    There are indeed some double standards at play here not fair to you but there is also an underlying tone of "I make more money, but still ..."
     
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  2. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    Dont worry too much about the peace..If you want to get the equality in the marriage ..u have to b firm on what u want..Not talking to his daughter and refusing to go to temple on her bday just proves that he is a control freak..and consider it as his loss..To b heard and respected u will have to ignore him for a while.If he doesnt talk let him b..Dont go after him.
     
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  3. Penelope

    Penelope Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I just also have a good husband but. Not so great marriage. I recently read a book that has really helped me to shift my perspective and it will take some time but I can tell it is already changing things for the better. I didn't realize what I was doing to contribute to things going badly. And this book is all about helping us adjust how we take care of our self care and how we interact with our husbands to make them feel respected but also honor ourselves. I listed to it on audiobook while doing chores and ended up taking many notes on how I can improve. My husband told me today that I have been "glowing" for the past couple weeks. This is about when I started reading the book and using the advice. Anyway it's called " First Kill All the Marriage Counselors" by Laura Doyle. I hope that you give it a try and that it helps you. I am going to start it over and listen again and again as I work on my side of things.
     
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  4. aarth0203

    aarth0203 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Rihanna

    You seem to have answered it beautifully and what you mentioned is 90% right.
    Hi Rihanna

    I feel you have understood the issue well. All investments are on my name and few in joint name. I have full access to the file and login to check them periodically. If I say let us invest in gold he sees a good safe plan that will maximise our investment. So no complaints on that front.

    We both had an open conversation last night. He is not stingy, if I say I need something he will do through analysis before buying it and will buy it from a place where we get a good deal. He is a bit lazy too, the amount of time he takes makes me impatient. So I told him I will start doing few things on my own rather than asking him and he seems to be fine with it. He did acknowledge it’s going to take sometime for him to get used to this as he did things mostly.

    He is very good in money management abd uses the credit card points to redeem for stuff we enjoy. So he is good with that too.

    I also felt the trigger factor could my vitamin levels and staying at home for so long since pandemic. Hopefully we found the cause and are working to resolve it. As you said careful usage of words is important too.

    I stay with in-laws so anytime there is a fight. Mil gives a lecture. I initially used to feel bad, now learnt to care damn about it. Hopefully I learn the art of getting things done as how I want without rocking the boat.
     

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