How I Over Came My Tough Family Situation...

Hi,

There are many ladies who gave me solace when I was so frustrated last year with my family situation.
Need Advise To Adjust To Joint Family From Nuclear Setup
Right after they moved in Feb last year, MIL was having too many problems (mental health issues - severe anxiety, depression) and by the time the we were managing these issues, we were all stuck at home from March due to lock down. Also my FIL was diagnosed with cancer during this time. Those days are the most trying period in my life so far.

I was also extremely stressed and frustrated and rather than worry about managing cooking and chores...... taking care of IL's health took centre stage. Having no maid during this time, the chores were piling up and not being a very physically fit person, I started feeling adverse health effects.


how I managed the situation was, I transferred a fair share of the work to my husband. I figured with the WFH , he was saving atleast a couple of hours everyday (no commute/ no going out for tea etc).

He took care of Bfast on most days and washing of vessels. He also cooked lunch on Sundays. My FIL helped out with cutting veggies. Though I would never ask him directly if he could cut veggies, I will keep the veggies to be cooked for the day ready: washed and cutting board, knife , etc for chopping in the dining table when it was time for breakfast, so it wont go unnoticed and when he offered to help with cutting of veggies, I didn't refuse with false pretensions and said - YES pls. Thank you. I profusely thanked him for all the help offered and never refused any help.)

My MIL was out of it for most of the time and dealing with her (some episodes of depression and maniac actions ) itself was emotionally draining. My FIL was a rock during this time and helped out as much as he could. My MIL would keep to her room except for meal times and would always be focused on the next meal like she would ask for lunch at 10 am when we hv had bfast at 9 am and usually lunch time is at 1pm. And again ask for coffee at 2 pm when its usually at 4pm and so on.
Even when I am in my room , resting for a bit after lunch she would keep calling for me for the next meal. This was a psychological problem and though we discussed this with her doctors no one could provide a solution for the same. After a while I learned to ignore it after politely answering a couple of times that it was not time yet for that particular meal yet.

Also I started closing my room door after completing my chores and kept the coffee making stuff on the counter , so that my FIL could help her out with the afternoon coffee and kept some fruits and ready made snacks for the evening. Maybe my IL's felt I was a bit abrupt, but I really needed some private time for myself and this was the only time available for me.

I hv to manage laundry, cleaning the house , cooking and grocery shopping (online) , paying bills etc. I was doing some part time work and I wasn't unable to devote any time towards it until April. Things started slowly settling down after that and I would finish my chores and keep the food on the table and managed to find a couple of hours everyday for my work.

I was quite involved with managing my IL's health like fixing doctors appointments, who to consult , which hospital , what treatments to try etc, I realised I was feeling the burn out and couldn't really take it after about six months. In the mean time my BIL / cosis didn't visit or offer any support / suggestions and let us handle the whole thing.

We (me and DH) had some arguments (mainly abt day to day stuff) and FIL felt that around september that we needed a break and said they will go to BIL's place for a bit. However, he was planning to come back soon. I put my foot down with my husband that they need to stay for a longer period in my BIL's place and also we need to make some other arrangement because though we managed it during this time (emergency) I can't keep doing it in the long run. Even If I get the label of bad DIL, I didn't care.

So, Once they went to my BIL's place, after they were a bit settled there, we asked our tenant who was in the same building to vacate and offered it my FIL. I was ready to take the loss of rental income for the peace of mind and also I felt this would give them a bit more independence. They can get help if needed from my BIL's family at the same time give them some privacy. I was not prepared in anyway for them to come back and go through it all over again. I was not afraid of being labeled selfish for my health was getting affected, my relationship with my DH and even kids (I couldn't devote time for them).

It did mean that my IL's were left to fend for themselves a bit, however, now that his treatment is over (successful) and MIL's mental illness is also under control (not back to normal but improved from before). I find that I am happier and given that my FIL also chose to go live in our other house and we could visit them time to time, without worrying if our weekly visits are disturbing my BIL's family.
I did help them get settled in the new place and my FIL is doing some cooking ( he has learnt from youtube and sometimes my MIL gives inputs) they are managing by and large with some help from my co-sis.

I am writing this largely to share my experience so it might give some hope to some women who might be going through similar situation feeling that they couldn't get out of the hole they find themselves in due to some family situation. I was also depressed / couldn't sleep and there was a general lack of peace in family life. But things have turned around for me and also I feel that by putting myself first gave me a purpose to find an alternate solution for my situation.
I am dealing with guilt at times but not enough to make changes in the arrangements. I wanted time and space to deal with my daughters (separate thread) and enjoy life when possible.