1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Husband Asking Me To Apologize

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ishaan10, Dec 29, 2020.

Page 2 of 2
  1. Dec 30, 2020 #11
    Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,258
    Likes Received:
    1,325
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male
    Don't you follow that old rule that husbands have to apologize to wife once every fortnight (at least, or more frequently as needed), and wife has to apologize to MIL once a week (or once a month if they are not living together) for all the unknowingly committed infractions?

    [Tradition has it that the DIL would do it on Friday at noon, after observing a fast from Thursday dinner to the time of apology. Husband would do it Friday night as the couple retire to bed. The strength and genuineness of the apology has to be sufficient enough to cure head aches]
     
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2020
    Hopikrishnan, Dec 30, 2020
    Hopikrishnan, Dec 30, 2020
    #11
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  2. Dec 30, 2020 #12
    Sreevidyaa

    Sreevidyaa Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    78
    Likes Received:
    111
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Tell your husband an apology not truly coming from one’s heart isn’t an apology at all. It’s a namesake lip service. Just tell him frankly that his deeds have caused more damage to the effect of rocking the marital boat and no matter how many times you have apologised nothing has changed. If your husband has even an ounce of respect for you he wouldn’t have even asked such a question to you. Just like how he has the right to enjoy his life with his mother so do you. You shouldn’t accept him asking you to take only one kid to your parents house. Just take both your kids and stay a longer period with your parents. He is unreasonable in his demands. Just make your points clear to him.
     
    Sreevidyaa, Dec 30, 2020
    Sreevidyaa, Dec 30, 2020
    #12
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  3. Dec 30, 2020 #13
    Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    477
    Likes Received:
    1,021
    Trophy Points:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    Did any of the two approaches help you or improve the situation? If you want a different result respond differently.

    Turn a deaf ear to his demands and do whatever feels right to you. Just do! You have life of your own and it is too precious to be left to live at the mercy of someone.

    This might not yield results overnight or with one occasion. But, it sure will give you peace and a sense of satisfaction for standing up for yourself and for not letting anybody mistreat you.
     
    Metamorphic, Dec 30, 2020
    Metamorphic, Dec 30, 2020
    #13
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  4. Dec 31, 2020 #14
    Ishaan10

    Ishaan10 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    63
    Likes Received:
    32
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks dear...u r giving words to my thoughts...I should stand for myself...I m being deaf to that apologising thing, but he thinks I'm convinced by his words, so if he insist more I will ask sorry to mil...
     
    Ishaan10, Dec 31, 2020
    Ishaan10, Dec 31, 2020
    #14
  5. Dec 31, 2020 #15
    DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,918
    Likes Received:
    4,003
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    You are the best judge of your situation. Do what you think the right thing to do.
    Let your MIL continue silence, that's a blessing so that you don't have hear any thing. Create a silent retreat. If he insists apology you can ignore it or ask her to apologize to you too. It should be a two way process.

    When someone gives silent treatment , do what they dont like you to do( for example take two kids and go to your house), enjoy life, be very happy...soon she will stop. Also pretend she dont exist there.

    If he stop you visiting your parents, you can also ask him to move to another house away from his mother. He is enjoying everything why can’t you. Rules should be the same fir every one. Be bold enough to take both kids with you. You are earning so can hire a taxi to go.

    If you want to stop it, be bold and face consequences. Dont give any importance to unnecessary interfaces. Do what you want in whatever way you want it. Its your life you have to decide. Dont allow anyone to sit on your head. Its yours. Take control of your life to your hands.
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2020
    DDream, Dec 31, 2020
    DDream, Dec 31, 2020
    #15
    shreepriya likes this.
  6. Dec 31, 2020 #16
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,513
    Likes Received:
    30,285
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    Given that you would sometimes recommend rather permanent measures like sterilization, the suggestion to tender a no merit apology was a surprise. A little ponder on how OP could issue that darned apology yet retain her self-respect led me down a delightful internet rabbit hole, through this and this. I also learnt a new term: ignoratio elenchi. The first word doesn't rhyme with ratio : ) and the second doesn't rhyme with ilaichi (cardamom). : ) Pronunciation. Listening to the term pronounced multiple times made the little internet trip all the more restorative.

    ======
    OP, one solution is in your words. Manage things smartly, manage them in a slightly better way. Tell him the same things in a different way, and skip telling him some things. Don't say that your love for him is now less or that his mom being more important is hurting you.

    The exact words depend on the dynamics of your relationship, but try something that roughly amounts to this the next time he asks you to apologize:
    I understand why you want me to apologize. I also sort of understand why "MIL" talked like she did. She means well but ... Apologizing is one way to maintain peace in the house. I also want peace above all. But I wonder if it is right to keep apologizing without meaning it. That is not me. Doesn't this reduce the value of an apology? Then, when one really means to apologize, the sincerity is lost? <Pause> Anyway... this discussion can go on for ever. I can apologize if you want me to, but an acknowledgement from you that I am apologizing because you are asking me to would mean a lot.
    ​
    Instead of fighitng tooth and nail and then issuing or not issuing that apology, turn what he is saying into a request from him that you are granting. Grant it gracefully. He should know you are granting it without you driving the point home.
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2020
    Rihana, Dec 31, 2020
    Rihana, Dec 31, 2020
    #16
    shreepriya and Hopikrishnan like this.
  7. Jan 2, 2021 #17
    Ishaan10

    Ishaan10 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    63
    Likes Received:
    32
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi friends, just uodating...I planned n promised to celebrate New year with my parents, but husband asked me to go after new year I accepted..but he doesn't accept me to to pick two kids along with me to meet my parents after many round of argument...so I'm traveling with my first kid alone..I'm failed.
     
    Ishaan10, Jan 2, 2021
    Ishaan10, Jan 2, 2021
    #17
  8. Jan 3, 2021 #18
    lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    953
    Likes Received:
    1,248
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    happy new year.

    do not think you failed. this is technically 3rd year of your marriage together. keep working on making him understand the big picture. single mom / son drama will wear out, as you remain positive and keep the momentum.
     
    lavani, Jan 3, 2021
    lavani, Jan 3, 2021
    #18
Page 2 of 2

Share This Page