How To Love Partner?

@Benadryl ,
There is nothing wrong with your communication or writing skills except that you seem deflated and constantly under estimating yourself and feeling negative. Even if you don't receive any appreciation, you know your worth and how far you have come in life. Find some interests/purpose that will reward you more than you are able to give. If you are simply able to engage yourself & enjoy the process and it generated lot of positive feelings in you, job done. I hope you can understand what I mean here.

Just to tell you my father(78 yrs) never lost his blissful disposition even though he spends every minute next to my mom(72 yrs). He does not carry any anger/hatred towards my mom unlike me. Who is suffering more? Me or Him?

I have nurtured this deep desire that I should spend at least a day with my dad without my mom around. Couple of years ago, if someone told me this would never happen, I would have felt that am a big loser in life. But today, I am mentally prepared and slowly forgetting my thoughts because my happiness is not dependent on some event, touch wood. I have become numb over the years and the grief thus got sealed.

You can get there too if you allow yourself to welcome enriching & productive experiences instead of chasing one goal which is outside your control. I sincerely wish you the best!

 

Yes of course it’s usually for guests.
And looks like even your wife is working so expecting her to do everything is not fair in this modern era.. Unless one is sick expecting a partner to give water every time you return home is little too much.

How many times have you given water or keep the food ready when she returned home after a long tiring day?

And maybe your wife is an introvert and if she has any emotional trauma she hasn’t discussed this with you.

Also since you already spoke about getting into other relationship with her I don’t think any wife will take it casually and keeping that in mind she is not able to love you like how you want it to be.

In any relationship one will always give more compared to the other.

 

Exactly. He think its her duty to take care of home and kids. And if he do his part( ideally he should contribute 50% of daily work / kids care as she is also working, taking care of home, and managing two kids below 5 yrs), he is doing a great service that needs lot of applauds and appreciation. Good that he is contributing. But that's not enough most of the time with two kids. May be she is not getting any appreciation. So she dont feel like giving it or think its his duty to do. Its hard to remember your need all the time. Little bit of empathy and understanding won't hurt.
Op feels he is giving not getting anything back. May be his wife also feels the same. I believe, this situation improve as kid grow up. Instead of worrying about small things, trying to spend time together that may help. In many cases, men feels neglected when small kids are there as women focus fully on their kids,its not their fault fully, because nature created them that way. But sometimes this neglect has its own effects in their marriage. Its not possible to be a super women all the time.

I think so much water has flown under the bridge. I read op' s old thread in 2017 on similar topic. But still its the same. That time also ilites suggested counseling. I hope he will take that seriously this time and try to go for it. I dont think a person alone can satisfy all our needs. Thats why we need a life our own with hobbies, friends, or other activities. Also she is supportive of you to help our family. That alone can create resentment in women's mind as I understood from the relationship with inlaws forum.

The fact that OP discussed his wish to go outside marriage to fullfill his emotional void, alone is enough to drive her away . It can make her detached emotionally. Complaining about small things ( its very important for OP) can make her feel like there is no use in trying as its difficult to satisfy her spouse who always give the impression that she is not enough. Look like she has given up on it or she has strong resentment. Thats why she is not trying. Why its so. Only she can answer. We don't know the other side of the coin. In my opinion, both partners should try their level best to fullfull the love and emotional needs that only a spouse can satisfy. Also its important to understand love languages.

We can't change others. So we should know who we are and we want ,our positives and problems. When we don't love someone, expecting them to full our emotional needs is too much. We should know how to give love to our partner only then we get it back. Most of the time this contribution is not equal. There is a belief that some people are not expressive. I disagree, when you love somebody, you should express it. But it come naturally especially if you are with the right person. One should be happy enough to spread happiness. Our love tank can drain away when there is lot of work stress, tiredness, broken trust, lack of affection etc...when its empty we can't contribute anything. So we need to figure out and fix our own problems before complaining.

OP, hope your decision to go for therapy will help you and give you an answer on why you feel this way. May be couple counseling also help your wife to reveal what's in her mind. Do your part, rest is not in your hands. Give some time and have lots of patience.

 

@Rihana, I just tried to understand where he is coming from and with the experiences I closely witnessed in marriages in my close circles, I just gave a benefit of doubt to the OP. I thought just maybe, he has a valid version which was being defeated by the unappealing lines flashing in his original thread. I've read his earlier threads and thought through before answering. If you may observe, my thoughts in second post are different from that of my first post in the thread.

We all see and understand posts created here differently and that makes this place beautiful, vibrant and informative. I wrote what I felt.

But, may be I shouldn't have addressed "ladies" while trying to give a perspective. I was only trying to direct the participating members attention to a perspective/possibility in a very friendly way. Apologies if that was not as pleasant as I thought it to be.

OP is the best judge for his situation. I only wish OP will take a wise decision which best suits his life and his kids & wife's lives.

By the way, when you said "deeper insight" in the first lines of your post, I hope it is not sarcasm. Honestly, I do not feel I have a "deeper" insight than anybody here. It was just my understanding, which may sometimes turnout to be very superficial/baseless. Consider taking it easy please Rihana ??

 

That is an awesome perspective @Laks09 - thanks!

Firstly OP , my monkey mind wants to know why Benadryl ?

This is incredibly sad. Sad because as a child you were likely so deprived of the love and affection you craved that you have failed to see/feel the good around you. And that is why a well loved child hood is so important for a well adjusted stable adulthood.
So many posters here , with a wealth of life experiences, taking their time to read thru your posts and see things from your perspective, and take time to reach out with their suggestions and ponderings -- that isnt kindness?

Amen!
your first post barely showed your issue , each post, with examples builds a better picture. So imagine what a few sessions with a trained professional will let you do .

Errr... do you hear yourself ? What I hear is you have already decided that the counsellor will tell you that you are ok aka perfect, and that the problem is with your wife, she is the one who has to change for this marriage to get meaning full. Sigh!

I really think you really need individual counselling to understand yourself and start to heal the festering wounds of neglect before expecting anyone to meet your needs. A good counsellor will show the difference between what you say , what you imply and what you feel. And small changes to help you overcome your pain, to become self sufficient. You need to have faith in the process , in the counsellor ( the first one may not be the one you can click with). But if you cannot trust the process , I am not sure it will be that effective

There is only one person you can change and that is you, but if you have already made up your mind that you have done whatever you can and now it is up to wifey to change , and she wont, well not much you can do other than part, is there? You know you have had some emotional scars as a child, something that has in ways not allowed you to grow into a true adult.
If you are not willing to invest in yourself to heal your emotional scars - the chances of finding a fairy who will be your soulmate and have that one body two souls - well it will be a fairy tale.

On a side note - two souls one body - aint that suffocating?

Edited to remove some not related quotes

 

Do folks use wiki-how ? The location where all the how-to's are described with pictures.

We have already seen lots of great responses to the OP. And the OP has recognized that too with his thanks in #48.

Just for the heck of it, given the title of this thread, I went and typed in "how to love a partner". And voila... there is a how-to on that too. I am amazed. Go on and try it: wikiHow: How-to instructions you can trust.