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How To Love Partner?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Benadryl, Dec 3, 2020.

  1. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    No we don't. And we aren't doing that either.

    And besides, we men do not really know the full value of what we have, until we had lost it.
    I posted on this subject a while back (LINK), and decided to close on that topic, and get on with paying homage.
     
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  2. netflx

    netflx Gold IL'ite

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    Agree, OP seems to have a genuine issue
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 18, 2020
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  3. Benadryl

    Benadryl Silver IL'ite

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    @Hopikrishnan Partner/Wife/Spouse/Missus/Consort - all interchangeable in my book. Australians usually refer to their common law wife as partner/missus etc.

    @DDream Thank you for a well thought out reply. I respect your replies. Having read so many of them so many times in the past, going by your post, I am beginning to feel you are reacting to my questions instead of responding - which I sincerely hope is not the case.

    By emotionally available - I mean to be able to discuss my intimate feelings of love, happiness, rejection, insecurities etc and to be able to keep them in mental context at least for the next hour. For example, I may talk with her about how my health issues are concerning me and how my and the doctor's efforts are not getting results - but I do not even get a proper acknowledgement of her even having heard my issues. Forget about giving me some words of comfort. And usually when I am at my lowest and I desire some one to be affectionate towards me (simply by means of consoling and caring), will she be more stone like and with no response. There's not even a "dont worry it will be ok" kind of response. Isn't that how mature adults communicate? I will usually make sure that she has the least of the things to worry about in the house - but there is no reciprocation. If I am always taking kids out of her hair when she is doing something - she will never do the same. When she has to study an extra course - taking time off work seems to be the best option. But when I have to study for a certification - "You can wake up an hour early na". Things like that. This shows to me that my comfort is not even in the consciousness of this person. To an emotionally needy fellow like me, this pricks even more.

    On she feeling loved - I am amazed myself too. If I am not able to love her then how is she feeling my love? As a matter of fact, I have hinted this to her a few times - I am not going to tell her that I don't love her - by saying how do you expect me to love you when you aren't even acknowledging or being present for me? Although this itself is dichotomy - if I love, why is there an expectation of any sort from the loved? This is getting a way more taxing and exhausting. I did confirm this yesterday again - she has confirmed she feels loved - I dont know how.

    I do accept I am trying to find a motherly component in the wife somewhere. I believe most men are? Not in the toddler sense of the way - but more in a caring sense. I am pretty sure I have read a lot on this written by Osho and even some psychology articles which suggest most men are seeking the (caring of) mother from wife. And in my case since I have shared with the wife the emotional incompleteness I feel, I would have hoped she would fill in the blanks somehow. Even in the capacity of a mature adult. But it has gone quite the opposite way - she has become my mother in the way my mother actually is! Treating me like a machine and taking me for granted and just assuming all services will be provided for as well as an income.

    An example, the other day I took the kids out to the oval so she can have her own time and when we come back after 2 hours in the blistering sun, its like I don't even exist for this woman. She takes the kids in and doesn't even ask if I'd need a glass of water. I have really dialled down my expectations from this woman - so I don't really mind and go searching for my usual bottle of water - which again - despite hundreds of requests is not in its usual place. This might seem like a silly thing - but when I am tired, exhausted and beaten and feel like I am not cared for, this escalates in my mind. I start thinking that, you ask water to anyone and everyone who knocks on your door ! Hell people even put out a bowl of water for birds and dogs. Why can't she be bothered to even have the muscle memory of offering water ? Then I think, may be I am a useless fellow - that I am not worthy to be even offered water. May be because I am such an unworthy fellow I have been treated this way by my family. If my own parents have treated me like a machine, then why do I have much expectations from others. If I can't have even this basic expectation from a wife - then what expectation can I really have? May be my destiny is really bad and no wonder I am not going anywhere in life. It's a huge domino effect in my mind and I have no control over it. And I have clearly explained all of this to the wife and asked her to support me - with fail. Of course, I did communicate and ask her why she wouldn't offer water, and she said she forgot.

    Why I have stayed on for so long? I think all of us can change. I note that a lot of arranged marriage partners can spend years trying to find how to please their partners. I wanted to give it a good shot. I have laid out specifically how I can feel cared - and yet what I say either does not make sense to the partner or she forgets all about it conveniently. Although I do admit even all this might not lead me to love - but I will probably be satisfied with mild affection. Its still not too late. I haven't quite proposed an open marriage arrangement but I have made clear from my side that if either of us feel unfulfilled we should discuss and seek an out from this marriage and find some one who will make us happy. The kids - they will go through what they have to - at least it wont be a new thing society wise for them.
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2020
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  4. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Or maybe because a grown adult can get his own water?

    I actually feel like laughing at this because I sometimes make similar statements. It doesn't go well. My DH doesn't think of it as anything more than a vent. I had to learn to calm, use my inside voice and talk to him without using the terms - nanny/maid/cook/driver etc in the conversation as triggers to get myself to be heard. Calm conversations have helped figure out a middle ground. This machine/granted verbiage won't help you. I'm talking from personal experience. She will have similar grievances that you haven't considered.

    In all seriousness though, @Benadryl, marriages take work. Even long haul ones. Times have changed. We've got to keep up with the times. It's good to get some counseling and have a neutral third person help decipher feelings on both sides. You seem to be dealing with a lot of hurt feelings and it isn't good for you. I know both of us have had to learn to be more vocal about our appreciation for each other and our struggles with each other. I've noticed that when the appreciations happen a lot more than the need to improves, it's taken more seriously. Hope you find some way of helping each other through this. Consider this as a partnership not a series of transactions. Thinking in those terms has helped me a lot.

    Good Luck!
     
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  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Oh..my..
    I never imagined that a man can think like this. Most of the statements ( "machine"), I also make when I am so tired. It made me smile.

    Its not partners job always to make spouse happy. You have to do your part too. If you are not happy or content, no one can make you happy. You have a very fragile sensitive mindset.

    " I mean to be able to discuss my intimate feelings oflove, happiness, rejection, insecurities etc and to be able to keep them in mental context at least for the next hour"

    This is quite a normal thinking. I am sure most of people,including me, like this kind of connection. Women complain often that their husbands are not ready to listen. Go through married life forum to know how common it is..or how many are struggling. Everyone like to love and be loved, I believe.

    "ask if I'd need a glass of water." "To an emotionally needy fellow like me, this pricks even more."

    Have you ever asked her if she need a glass of water?
    I feel you are craving like a kid..I dont think majority of women can handle that. She treated you like an adult and expected that you can drink water by yourself. If you want her to serve water you should have asked her. I dont think she will deny that. She can't read your mind. Also she is mother to your kids ,so she treated them like mother. May be she might have forgotten your thinking on these small stuff or might have thought you are ok. It can happen. Its not easy to change a person, the change should come from them.

    I can see lack of communication or inability to understand the depth of your needs. But its very difficult to handle a needy spouse. So most of the time people ignore it. I really wish to hear it from your wife. I think she cannot understand it well if she dint have these kind of needs. I wish she could and reach a middle ground. You too.

    "I haven't quite proposed an open marriage arrangementbut I have made clear from my side that if either of usfeel unfulfilled we should discuss and seek an out from this marriage"

    What I understood is that open marriage is for having sexual relationship with other partners outside marriage. Just for hanging around when one have a partner and kids. By the end of the days they go back to their family, I guess. You said your intimacy part is good.Then why?I guess you are ok if your wife has other sexual partners.

    But in my view,if my husband says this I will consider it as lack of love, understanding, respect and commitment. As I said before, if my husband ask for it,I will give divorce. But if both of you are ready then its your life your choice. No one has any right to comment on it.

    This open marriage lover/partner will not treat you like a kid or offer you water like you imagined unless you find someone like a mother figure. Even then, no one can handle a needy kid for long time. You can't have an open marriage when your wife dont agree with that. Affair is not an option. Both of these are not good role models for your kids in my view.

    So better think about it well consider separation as the last option. But I must warn you no one is perfect and there is no perfect marriage. Marriage is work. Love/ commitment is a decision. Love or marriage or any relationship keeps on evolving. Its not the same all the time.

    You dint have any serious issues, breaking a marriage for this issue is unfortunate. Its not her fault that you have these many needs. Its impossible for one person to satisfy all the needs of other person. That's why I asked you why you marry her when you didn't have any connection when you are looking for is deep connection, appreciation and affection.

    If you think your satisfaction of emotional cravings are important than your kids or family go for separation. There is no point in continuing in an unhappy marriage. Everyone deserves a full filling life.

    Only way i can see forward is by reducing your expectations, accepting your wife, being realistic and see the positives. I feel that you have deep emotional wounds that needs to be healed. I dont think your wife alone can help you. So please consider talking to a therapist. If you are working your EAP can cover free sessions for you. Good luck.

    upload_2020-12-7_23-52-16.png
    Op, its your choice to consider my reply as reaction or response. May be its both. I am least worried about that. My intention was to give you my view . That's all. I spend this much time in my life to write it down because I thought your post as genuine. I am not a professional therapist. So if my reply is not very effective or useful, please ignore it.
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2020
  6. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    This deserves a Fine Post mention !! If you should only compile all your domestic support-fails, and find an editor, that could sell. As you had said, there may be many in that same boat, sub-optimal home-care situation.
    Just telling someone (or on this forum) should help; does it ?
     
  7. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    @Benadryl, Post no. 23 from you made some sense to me. I see your struggle. Living with an emotionally unavailable spouse is hard. Unless an abuse of some kind is involved, the most relevant & meaningful advice everyone has to offer would be to stay in marriage. But, living with an emotionally unavailable spouse can sometimes be equally as intolerable & hard, depending on the degree of unavailability.

    Your original post attracted wrath because most people find it difficult to support the idea of "changing partners" for reasons such as those you mentioned especially when kids are in picture. But, you are in a tough stop.

    Ladies, when OP talks about being served a glass of water after coming back from a kid's day out and he sharing the household chores, he is only trying to make a point of his expectations and contributions. It might seem calculative on the face of it and deserves condemnation when taken literally & quoted separately. But, only Op or a person who walks a mile in that shoe knows how it feels to not being "reciprocated".

    My husband offers to prepare a cup of coffee most of the times when I go to drop-off my child at school and reach back home during cold winter mornings. I cherish something more than a cup of coffee here. May be OP is talking about the lack of that something.

    Op, I understand how it feels when the family load - finances, domestic chores and children - is disproportionately shared between partners. Can be hard on the person who takes the heavy load and for a prolonged period. I personally have seen this happening in few families. Men slogging at office and house, while women chill out. Of course, the donkey begins to resent after a period of time and doing all this for an emotionally unavailable spouse feels even more unreasonable.

    OP, both you and your spouse's language of love is different. I've seen your other threads. You appear to have had enough discussions with her and also requested her to mend herself a little. If you had already tried hard to find a middle ground, try counselling as others here suggested. Counsellors may help her see her insufficiencies in the marriage and also help her with some practical advice of how to go about it. A third person's advice/corrections sometimes are effective.

    Is her reluctance to put any effort in improving the situation coming from her checking out of this marriage already?
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2020
  8. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:If you desire to be treated like an Emperor, you should treat spouse like a Queen.
    It is not one way. I trust you share your thoughts with spouse and God Too. Both would tell you there is nothing abnormal.
    What has been described in the post is quite normal in almost all households all over the world.
    Regards.

    God bless .
     
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  9. hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

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    There is no guarantee. It depends on the consciousness and awareness of the recipient to return it back. Some may feel entitled to be treated like a queen or some may not be capable of reciprocating it.
     
  10. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, its very hard to live with an emotionally cold spouse. But you said there are happy moments too. Life is not always smooth and happy.
    I forgot to ask,
    Was it like this from the beginning?
    Is there anything that might have created a strong resentment or anger towards you? Any bad experience that created a wound in her mind? Was there any issue that might have hurt her?Is there any silent treatments from your side? Do you encourage or appreciate or reinforce positive aspects in her approach towards you?
    There can be few reasons- she is incapable of understanding your needs or giving it back, she is emotionally detached from you but staying there for the kids, she is so tired and stressed out to even think about your needs(kids can contribute too) or any MIL/PIL issue where she feels you are not supportive or anything else.
    Good that you communicated your needs. If you keep on complaining, she may shut down. She can feel like you are too demanding. She may feel that she gets only complaints and no use in trying. Also you will never get satisfied with her or she is not enough for you. This thinking alone can stop people from doing anything. There can be a reason, I believe.
    So take baby steps in adding positivity though words and actions. Completely stop talking negative. Treat her the way you want to be treated. Have lots of patience. Try to be a happy person. Take care of yourself. No one wants to interact with a sad or distant or angry spouse. Both of you need to work on this marriage. Also try counseling as the last resort. Atleast you will have the satisfaction that you tried everything, before taking any decision on your marriage.
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2020
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