Friend’s Constant Need For Help/support

@ATI

No one is constantly in crisis. If that’s how it’s being portrayed to you, there’s something fishy.

Your responses show you are thinking more about her than the chaos she’s unleashing in your family.

The kind of justifications she is giving shows constant drama between her and her hub. Why do you want to get dragged into that drama?

Please wake up! Her life is not your problem. Your h and kids are.

Think about the wrong lessons your kids are learning from these encounters with her kids. They see you excusing her kids even for breaking stuff and leaving fridge open. This kind of inconsistency is going to come back and bite you.

Your issue is mainly not knowing how to say no to her. Practice if necessary. Just say no once and then don’t pick up her phonecalls.

 

5 and 6 year olds who lie a lot - that’s a red flag right there. Kids that young don’t lie naturally, they reflect what they see around them. Are you sure they are not picking this up from mom?

She sounds like quite a drama queen. All the sob stories are her version. Why did you automatically discount what the mil has to say? She does sound irresponsible if you ask me. least interested in taking care of her kids, farming them off on to you every weekend, goes off on girl only weekends several times a year- yeah tell me if you h or you behaved like that then will the other be okay with it? She needs to work on her marriage or get out why is she making it your problem?

And finally why are you so sure this is short term?

 

Yes. I agree.
@ATI is a good person, who makes giving support to friend as high priority.

 

Hi OP,

You are an amazing friend. But i think there are instances you should let your friend deal with her problems like an adult, than try to forget them with temporary fixes like taking trips or vacations away. You seem like the loving parent who supports a kid no matter what and the kid knows that and takes advantage of that. I think you need to give your friend the moral support she needs, but all her requests for child care during weekends seems to be a lot. As parents of 5 and 6 year olds they can take a trip together and bond as a family. I can see someone crying when there is a real crisis such as a sudden health issue, but missing a trip is not a crisis and changing plans to take kids along is an easily workable solution for normal adults. This is a good time to start saying no, say you are planning a trip for your family or say you are unwell. Have them deal with this simple issue, its really a non-issue.

 

I wish I had a friend like you OP

 

Best retorts ready for op all in one breath.
Hats off to my sister @Rihana for noambivalence and point blank FB & best wishes to Austin Texas India- @ATI

 

This is so worth remembering. Thanks @MalStrom @Rihana
I need this reminder, that sometimes a reason is not necessary. It just complicates things.

Yeap, you are a very good friend! But @ATI if I were your friend , I would like my friend to support me when my life is tough, at the same time let me know when I am over reaching, when I am making her life hard, when I am wallowing in my troubles that I fail to realise I am making my friend's life miserable.

 

I am so glad that you are such a supportive friend. It is important for all women to have a ‘tribe’ of women they can depend on. The unfortunate part of this, is that you @ATI is the only one in her tribe. Just because you are the only one, doesn’t mean that you need to over-extend yourself. Your first priority is your husband and family.

You ask how to say no, when she is crying and begging. Simply say, ‘I’m sorry I can’t help you, but you know I’m always here for you.’

Considering it’s 2020...I can believe that she has been going through one crisis after another. Many of my close friends have also struggled week to week, with a new fire in the US or in India to put out.

I would encourage you to help direct her to other resources for help- emotional help or actual physical help with her kids. Don’t sign yourself to every emergency.

Also, unless you know what your friend’s action plan is, you don’t know if this is a temporary situation. This could very well continue indefinitely. I would respect my (hypothetical) husband in this situation, and commit to help only on certain things. Weekend and overnight childcare is something I would NEVER expect of anyone unless I was in the Emergency room/hospital. I did expect my brother to care for my son for that day, but just because he’s capable doesn’t mean I would request him to take care of my son if I wanted to go on a girls trip or something. This is “free” help that you are providing, and it’s quite excessive.

 

I am trying to stand on your shoes and feel what's happening around.

I am someone who finds it extremely hard to say NO. I am still learning this art.

This friend of yours may be in crisis, but I don't believe she is constantly in crisis as you have described above.
As a friend, you can support her to an extend. The rest, she has to find a way.

May be, you can help her to sort out her crisis and that's the limit. I mean, looking after her kids while she is holidaying is a bit too much, that too compromising your own family time.

Coming to your problem....I would suggest you to speak to her directly, and convey your inconvenience citing any reasonable reasons. Eg: We are visiting family or friends or whatever.